The Attach Phase: Creating Connection and Safety with the Gottman Method

 

Welcome to the final post in our series on the Gottman Method for affair recovery (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method). If you’ve been following along with this series, you’re already familiar with the first two phases: Atone and Attune. These phases guide couples through the raw, painful emotions following the discovery of an affair and help them begin to understand and empathize with each other. Now, we’re moving into the third and final phase: Attach. 

Understanding the Attach Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

Attachment is about reconnecting and reestablishing emotional safety. This phase focuses on deepening your emotional bond and reigniting intimacy, both physical and emotional. It's where the focus shifts to building a relationship that can withstand future challenges, deepening the bond that may have been neglected or damaged over time. 

By the time a couple reaches the Attachment phase, they’ve already worked through the initial stages of shock and anger in the Atone phase and learned to understand what led to the affair in the Attune phase. Now, they face the ultimate challenge—rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy. This is where couples explore what it means to reconnect in a vulnerable, yet deeply loving, way.

Key Components of the Attach Phase 

  1. Rebuilding Emotional Trust 

    Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and after an affair, trust can feel shattered. In this phase, the betrayed partner begins to feel safe enough to trust again, while the partner who had the affair demonstrates reliability and emotional availability. Both partners must continue being transparent, compassionate, and honest with each other. 

    Therapeutically, this might involve exercises designed to enhance emotional safety, such as learning to express vulnerabilities and meeting each other’s emotional needs. These are crucial skills that can help prevent future betrayals and misunderstandings. 

  2. Reigniting Physical Intimacy 

    One of the most sensitive aspects of affair recovery is the re-establishment of physical intimacy. Physical connection is often tied to feelings of safety, trust, and emotional closeness, all of which have likely been severely affected by the affair. 

    In therapy, couples are encouraged to discuss their fears, desires, and boundaries openly when it comes to physical intimacy. This process can help repair the sexual bond, but it’s important to understand that for some couples, this part of the recovery may take time. The goal is to help couples feel emotionally connected again before focusing on physical closeness. 

  3. Creating Shared Meaning & Future Goals 

    Affair recovery is not just about healing from the betrayal; it’s about rebuilding a relationship that is meaningful and resilient. In the Attachment phase, couples are encouraged to create shared meaning in their relationship—identifying common goals, values, and dreams for the future. This is the time to discuss what each partner needs to feel secure and connected, as well as how to continue building a relationship that honors both partners' needs.

  4. Establishing a New Relationship Narrative 

    Part of moving forward involves redefining the story of your relationship. The affair will always be part of your shared history, but in the Attachment phase, couples work on creating a new narrative—one that acknowledges the past without being defined by it.

    Couples may need to reframe the affair in a way that allows for healing and growth rather than letting it overshadow all the positive aspects of the relationship. This narrative-building can help both partners feel that they are writing the next chapter of their story together. 

Rebuilding Attachment After Infidelity

Attachment doesn’t happen overnight, and the wounds from infidelity don’t heal on a set timeline. For many couples, the attachment phase is where true reconciliation occurs, but it requires continued commitment from both partners. Vulnerability, patience, and the willingness to explore emotional and physical connection are key to making this phase successful. 

Rebuilding attachment after an affair isn’t just about fixing what's broken—it’s about creating something new and enduring. While the road to recovery is long and complex, therapy can offer the tools, support, and guidance needed to navigate this difficult journey.

Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and set up a couples therapy appointment to begin healing your relationship.

 

The Attune Phase: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity with the Gottman Method

 

In the first post of this series on the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy affair recovery model—also referred to as the Gottman Trust Revival Method—I delved into the essence of this transformative approach created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Designed to guide couples through the deep emotional pain of infidelity, this structured model offers a pathway to healing and rebuilding trust.

In the second blog post in this series, we delved into the first phase in couples therapy for affair recovery: Atonement. This is a crucial phase where the couple begins to address the initial shock and emotional trauma of the affair. It involves acknowledging the betrayal, expressing genuine remorse, and allowing space for the hurt partner to express their pain. As challenging as this phase can be, it's a necessary foundation for the healing journey ahead. 

In this post, we move into the second phase: Attunement. This phase is about rebuilding the emotional connection between partnerss well as learning to understand each other deeply, listening with empathy, and validating feelings without defensiveness or dismissiveness. This phase is where the true rebuilding of trust and intimacy begins. 

Understanding the Attune Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Attunement phase is about rebuilding emotional trust and understanding between partners. After the initial phase of "Atonement," where the betrayed partner's pain and anger are acknowledged and validated, Phase 2 shifts the focus to fostering empathy, open communication, and emotional connection. This phase is not just about talking through the infidelity or affair but truly understanding each other's feelings and experiences at a deeper level. 

Key Components of the Attune Phase 

  1. Deep Conversations: During this phase, couples are guided to have meaningful conversations about their relationship, including what led to the infidelity and the impact it had on both partners. These conversations are designed to help the couple understand not just the surface-level details but the underlying emotional needs that were unmet.

  2. Building a Culture of Appreciation: The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of fostering positive interactions and building a culture of appreciation and respect. This involves recognizing and verbalizing the things each partner values in the other, which can help to rebuild the couple's emotional intimacy.

  3. Learning to Self-Soothe: Part of the healing process involves learning how to manage one's own emotions and self-soothe during difficult conversations. This skill is essential for avoiding emotional flooding, which at times may lead to defensive behavior and further conflict.

  4. Practicing Effective Conflict Management: The attunement phase also includes learning how to manage conflicts constructively. This means addressing issues in a way that promotes understanding and resolution rather than escalating tension.

Common Challenges in the Attunement Phase 

While this phase is crucial for healing, it’s not without its challenges. It’s normal for couples to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions involved. Here are a few common hurdles that might occur during the attunement phase: 

  1. Fear of Reopening Wounds: Many couples fear that discussing the infidelity in-depth will only reopen wounds. However, not talking about it can prevent healing. Therapy provides a structured environment where these conversations can happen safely.

  2. Difficulty in Understanding Each Other: Sometimes, one partner might struggle to understand the other’s feelings or perspective. This is where guided exercises and therapeutic techniques can help foster empathy and understanding.

  3. Temptation to Rush the Process: The healing process cannot be rushed. It’s important for both partners to move at a pace that feels right for them. Trying to push through this phase too quickly can lead to unresolved issues resurfacing later.

Moving Forward Together: Infidelity & Affair Recovery 

Attunement is a pivotal phase in the Gottman Method for affair recovery. It’s where couples often start to turn towards each other again, rebuilding their emotional connection and trust. If you’re considering therapy for infidelity or affair recovery, know that this phase is a journey—one that requires patience, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But it’s also a journey that can lead to profound healing and a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation and schedule a couples therapy appointment to get on your way toward healing your relationship.

 

How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Strengthens Relationships: Applying Attachment Theory to Couples Therapy

 

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping individuals and couples understand and regulate their emotions to improve their relationships. EFT is a couples therapy model developed by psychologists Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the 1980s. The model draws on attachment theory, which suggests humans have an innate need for connection and emotional bonding with others.

More about Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how humans form emotional bonds with others, especially during early childhood. British psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, developed the theory in the 1950s, and other researchers, such as Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, have since expanded upon it.

The basic premise of attachment theory is that humans have an innate need for emotional bonding and security. These needs are met through close relationships with caregivers, such as parents or other primary caregivers. Bowlby believed that infants and young children develop an internal working model based on their experiences with their caregivers and that this model shapes their future relationships and behaviors.

Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers can shape an individual's attachment style and that attachment styles can change over time based on new relationship experiences. Understanding attachment theory can help build stronger relationships and improve emotional regulation and communication skills.

EFT & Attachment Theory

In EFT, couples therapists work with clients to identify and express their emotions and needs in a safe and supportive environment. Through this process, clients can gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions and their partner's, leading to increased empathy and intimacy in the relationship.

EFT is shown to be effective for a variety of relationship problems, including communication difficulties, conflict, infidelity, affair recovery, disconnection, and emotional distance. EFT has also been used to treat individual issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How is EFT Different from other Couples Therapy Models

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) differs from other couples therapy models in several ways. Here are some of the main differences:

  1. Focus on emotions: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and how they impact relationships. An EFT couples therapist helps clients identify and express their emotions in a safe and supportive environment, which can lead to deeper understanding and connection with their partners.

  2. Attachment-based: EFT is based on attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding and security in relationships. EFT couples therapists help clients to identify their attachment styles and work to strengthen their emotional bonds with their partners.

  3. Short-term: EFT is typically a short-term couples therapy that involves between 8 and 20 sessions. The focus is on addressing the immediate issues in the relationship and helping clients to develop skills that they can use outside of couples therapy.

  4. Structured approach: EFT is a structured approach that involves specific steps and interventions. The couples therapist helps clients to identify negative patterns in their relationship and works to replace them with more positive and adaptive patterns.

  5. Involvement of the partner: EFT involves the partner in the couples therapy process, rather than just focusing on the individual. The therapist works to create a safe and supportive environment for both partners to express their emotions and needs.

Overall, EFT is a highly effective model of couples therapy and individual therapy that has been shown to be successful in treating a wide range of relationship issues. Its focus on emotions, attachment, and structured approach make it a unique and valuable tool for couples seeking to improve their relationships.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

The Atone Phase: The Essential First Step in Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

In my first post in this series regarding the Gottman Method Couples Therapy affair recovery model (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method), I discussed an overview of this structured approach, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples heal from the deep wounds inflicted by infidelity. In this second blog post in this series, I will delve into the first crucial couples therapy for affair recovery phase: Atone. Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling shattered and the unfaithful partner engulfed in guilt and shame. The Atone phase is designed to address these intense emotions, setting the stage for genuine healing and reconciliation. Let’s explore what this phase entails and why it’s essential for your journey towards recovery. 

Understanding the Atone Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Atone phase is all about addressing the immediate emotional fallout of the affair. This phase is critical as it sets the foundation for the healing process. Here’s what you can expect in this phase:

Key Components of the Atone Phase 

  1. Acknowledgment and Responsibility: The first step in atonement is for the unfaithful partner to fully acknowledge the affair and take responsibility for their actions. This means no excuses, no blame-shifting, and no minimizing the impact of the betrayal. Genuine acknowledgment shows the betrayed partner that their pain is seen and validated. 

  2. Expressing Remorse and Apology: A heartfelt apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves expressing genuine remorse and understanding the depth of the hurt caused. This includes acknowledging specific ways the affair has affected the betrayed partner emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. 

  3. Open and Honest Communication: Transparency is crucial in this phase. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions and provide details about the affair to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This can be an incredibly painful process but is necessary for rebuilding trust. 

  4. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy involves truly listening to the betrayed partner’s feelings and showing a deep understanding of their pain. It’s important for the unfaithful partner to recognize and validate these feelings without becoming defensive or dismissive. 

  5. Setting Boundaries and Creating Safety: To begin rebuilding trust, both partners must agree on clear boundaries and actions to ensure the affair is truly over and will not happen again. This might include transparency with phones and social media, regular check-ins, and agreeing to avoid situations that might lead to temptation. 

The Role of the Betrayed Partner 

While the primary focus of the Atone phase is on the actions of the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner also has a crucial role. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly, ask questions, and seek the reassurance necessary for your healing. However, it’s equally vital to recognize that immediate forgiveness is not a requirement at this stage. Healing takes time, and the atone phase is just the beginning. 

The atone phase is a challenging yet vital part of the affair recovery journey. It requires immense courage and vulnerability from both partners. By fully engaging in this phase, you lay the groundwork for the subsequent phases: Attune and Attach, where deeper emotional healing and reconnection will occur. 

If you’re considering starting couples therapy for affair recovery, know that you’re taking a brave step toward healing. The road may feel long and tough, but with the right guidance and commitment, affair recovery and even a renewed relationship are possible. Reach out to me today to schedule a free phone consultation and get started on your healing journey.

 

6 Strategies to Help Couples Navigate Life Transitions as a Team

 

Major life transitions, such as moving to a new city, having a baby, or changing careers, can bring about significant changes in a couple's dynamic. While these transitions can be exciting, they can also be challenging and stressful. In this blog post, we'll explore strategies for couples to support each other during these significant changes and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Understanding Major Life Transitions

Common Types of Life Transitions

    • Relocation: Moving to a new home or city

    • Career Changes: Starting a new job or business, changing careers, or going back to school

    • Family Changes: Getting married, having a baby, dealing with a family illness, or caring for aging parents

    • Financial Changes: Significant changes in income, such as a job loss or major investment

Common Challenges for Couples Experiencing Life Transitions

    • Stress and Anxiety: Uncertainty and fear of the unknown

    • Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings and lack of communication

    • Different Coping Mechanisms: Each partner may handle stress differently

Strategies for Navigating Life Transitions

  1. Open Communication

    • Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to talk about each partner’s feelings, needs, concerns, and expectations.

    • Active Listening: Listen to each other without interrupting and validate each other’s feelings.

    • Transparency: Be honest about your needs and worries.

    • Refrain from Criticizing: Transitions are difficult enough. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and refrain from criticizing during conversations.

    • Check your Defensiveness: With increased stress and anxiety, it’s easy to be defensive and blaming. Manage your defensiveness and own your part to help conversations go more smoothly.

  2. Set Realistic Expectations

    • Manage Expectations: Understand that things might not go as planned and be prepared to adapt.

    • Be Patient: Allow time for adjustment, and don’t rush the process.

  3. Work as a Team

    • Share Responsibilities: Divide tasks and support each other in managing the workload.

    • Problem-Solve Together: Approach challenges as a team rather than individually.

  4. Seek Support

    • Professional Help: Consider seeing a couples therapist to help navigate the transition.

    • Support Networks: Lean on friends and family for additional support.

  5. Self-Care and Mutual Care

    • Personal Well-being: Take time for self-care activities to reduce stress.

    • Quality Time Together: Spend time doing enjoyable activities to strengthen your bond.

  6. Celebrate Milestones

    • Acknowledge Progress: Celebrate small wins and progress in your journey.

    • Create Positive Memories: Focus on creating positive experiences together.

Navigating these transitions alone can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. The strategies outlined may seem simple, but they can be difficult to implement when you’re in the midst of stress, anxiety, and communication difficulties. Our couples therapy services are designed to help you and your partner manage these changes and come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re facing a significant life transition and need support, contact us today to schedule a free consultation for Austin couples therapy and take the first step toward a healthier, happier relationship. Let us help you turn these challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Article by Hannah Eubank, LPC, LMFT

Contact us for Austin Couples Therapy through the link below

 

The Three Phases of Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

Infidelity can feel like a betrayal like no other, leaving both partners in a relationship reeling with pain, confusion, and distrust. As a couples therapist, I've seen the devastation and the pain that an affair can cause, but I've also witnessed the remarkable resilience and healing that can emerge from these impossible hard times. The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, offers a structured and compassionate approach to navigating affair recovery. In this Intro post to this blog series, I'll state the three phases of affair recovery according to the Gottman Method, providing you with key components of what is explored and addressed in each of the different phases of affair recovery.

Phase 1: Atonement

Understanding the Wound

The first phase of affair recovery is Atonement, where the primary focus is on understanding and addressing the profound wound caused by the affair. During this phase, the unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their actions, express genuine remorse, and work to rebuild trust. Here are some key components of this phase:

  • Honesty and Transparency: The unfaithful partner needs to be completely honest about the affair, answering any questions their partner may have. Transparency about past actions and current behaviors is crucial in rebuilding trust.

  • Validation of Pain: The betrayed partner's feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal must be validated. It's essential for the unfaithful partner to listen empathetically and acknowledge the depth of the pain they've caused.

  • Expressing Remorse: Sincere apologies and expressions of regret are vital. The unfaithful partner should show through words and actions that they understand the gravity of their betrayal and are committed to making amends.

During this phase, couples may often experience intense emotions and difficult conversations. As a couples therapist, my role is to facilitate these conversations, ensuring both partners feel heard and understood.

Phase 2: Attunement

Rebuilding Connection

Once the initial pain has been addressed and the unfaithful partner has taken responsibility, the couple can move into the Attunement phase. This phase focuses on rebuilding emotional connection and intimacy. Here are some factors that could be addressed during this phase:

  • Open Communication: Couples learn to communicate more effectively, expressing their needs, fears, and desires without blame or defensiveness. This helps in re-establishing a sense of safety and closeness.

  • Emotional Attunement: Partners work on becoming more attuned to each other’s emotional states. This involves recognizing and responding to each other’s emotional cues, fostering a deeper emotional bond.

  • Conflict Resolution: Learning healthy ways to handle conflicts is crucial. The Gottman Method emphasizes techniques such as gentle start-ups, accepting influence, and making effective repairs after disagreements.

  • Rebuilding Trust: Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy behavior. The partner who had the affair needs to be transparent and reliable, while the betrayed partner works on slowly opening up to trust again.

During the Attunement phase, couples often begin to see glimpses of hope and start to reconnect on an emotional level. It's a time of gradual healing, where the relationship starts to feel safer and more supportive.

Phase 3: Attachment

Creating a New Future Together

The final phase of affair recovery is Attachment, where the couple focuses on strengthening their bond and building a new, healthier relationship. This phase involves:

  • Shared Goals and Dreams: Couples explore their hopes and dreams for the future, setting shared goals that give their relationship direction and purpose.

  • Rituals of Connection: Establishing new rituals for connection helps maintain the bond. This can include regular date nights, shared hobbies, or daily check-ins to stay emotionally connected.

  • Continued Growth: Affair recovery is an ongoing process. Couples commit to continuous growth, both individually and as a couple, seeking to improve their relationship dynamics and maintain their connection.

In this last phase, couples often find a renewed sense of partnership and commitment. They have moved beyond the pain of the affair and are now focused on building a future together, fortified by the hard work they’ve done to repair their relationship.

Recovering from an affair is undeniably challenging, but it is possible. The Gottman Method provides a structured and compassionate approach to help couples navigate this journey. Each phase of recovery—atonement, attunement, and attachment—plays a crucial role in rebuilding trust, deepening connection, and creating a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

 

Healthy Boundary Setting: Understanding the Difference Between Boundaries and Control

 

In the realm of mental health, personal relationships, and couples therapy, the concepts of boundaries and control are often misunderstood. For those new to the idea of setting boundaries, it's crucial to understand what healthy boundaries are and how to display and communicate boundaries properly. One should also be aware that boundaries are not meant to control another person's behavior.

As previously mentioned in my last blog post in this series, I discussed the do’s and don’ts of boundary setting. In this third and final blog post of my boundary series, I will provide examples of what a boundary might look like in practice versus what a non-boundary (aka, controlling behavior) might look like. My overall hope is that this blog post can be used as a guide to clarify these concepts and provide practical tips for establishing boundaries without crossing into control. Understanding this difference is key to maintaining healthy relationships.

Example 1: Privacy in a Relationship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I value my personal space and privacy. I would appreciate it if we could discuss and agree on boundaries regarding sharing our personal information and giving each other space when needed." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't have any private conversations with your friends without letting me know every detail. I need to have access to your phone and messages to make sure nothing is going on." 

Example 2: Time Management in a Friendship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I have a busy schedule, and I need to prioritize certain commitments. I hope you understand that there may be times when I need to decline social invitations. Let's work together to find a balance that works for both of us." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You're not allowed to make plans with anyone else if I'm available. I want you to prioritize our friendship over other relationships or activities." 

Example 3: Workplace Collaboration 

  • Boundary Setting: "I prefer to receive feedback in a private setting rather than in front of the entire team. It helps me process the information more effectively, and I feel I'm more open to constructive criticism that way." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't give any feedback about my work without discussing it with me first. I need to approve any comments or suggestions you have before sharing them with others." 

Example 4: Family Finances

  • Boundary Setting: "Let's create a budget together so we can manage our finances more effectively. I would like us to agree on spending limits for discretionary expenses to ensure we are on the same page." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "I will be in charge of all the finances, and you need to consult me before making any purchases, no matter how small. I will monitor all transactions to make sure you're following my rules."

In each of these examples, the boundary-setting approach emphasizes personal needs, open communication, and collaboration, essential elements often explored in couples therapy. In contrast, the non-boundary approach involves dictating specific behaviors and limiting the other person's autonomy, which could be viewed as trying to control someone’s behavior. It's important to remember that when boundaries are communicated appropriately, they can promote mutual understanding and respect in a relationship. Whereas trying to control someone's behavior can lead to tension and strain in a relationship.

Need help with healthy boundary setting? Both couples therapy and individual therapy can be avenues for learning how to identify your needs and communicate your boundaries. Reach out today to get started.

 

The Do's and Don'ts of Setting Boundaries in a Relationship

 

In my first blog post on my series regarding boundaries, Take Charge of Your Mental Health: A Therapist’s Guide to Setting Boundaries, I discussed different ways one can begin to implement boundaries in one’s life. In this second blog post in this boundaries series, I will be discussing the Do’s and Don'ts of boundary setting.

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of maintaining healthy relationships. However, like any skill, there are both do's and don'ts to keep in mind when first establishing boundaries. Whether you're navigating your marriage, personal relationships, professional dynamics, or even your relationship with yourself, here are some guidelines from a therapist's perspective on the do's and don'ts of setting healthy boundaries in a relationship:

Boundary-setting Do’s & Don’ts

1. Focus on Yourself

  • Do: Clearly express your needs, feelings, and limits based on your own experiences and emotions.

  • Don’t: Avoid trying to dictate or manipulate the other person's actions. Your boundaries should be about your own well-being, not an attempt to try and control another person’s behavior.

2. Use "I" Statements

  • Do: Frame your boundaries using "I" statements to express your feelings and needs — for example, "I feel uncomfortable when..."

  • Don’t: Avoid using "you" statements that might blame or accuse the other person, as this can be perceived as an attempt to control and potentially can take away from your feelings regarding the situation.

3. Be Consistent

  • Do: Consistency is crucial when it comes to maintaining boundaries. Once you've set a boundary, stick to it. Consistent reinforcement reinforces the message that your boundaries are non-negotiable.

  • Don’t: Try to change your boundaries to influence or to try to control the other person's behavior — consistency with boundaries can help build trust.

4. Respect Others’ Boundaries

  • Do: Recognize and respect the other person's boundaries as well — it's a two-way street.

  • Don’t: Avoid expecting another person to adhere strictly to your boundaries while disregarding theirs — mutual respect is crucial for a healthy relationship.

5. Seek Communication & Understanding

  • Do: Encourage open communication to understand each other's needs and feelings.

  • Don’t: Avoid shutting down communication or forcing compliance — understanding each other's perspectives is key to building a healthy relationship.

When first learning to establish boundaries, one may feel scared, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable. However, my hope is that by following these do's and don'ts and using them as a guideline for how to set boundaries, one can begin to feel more confident and at ease with establishing boundaries and feel like they are one step closer to living a more fulfilling life — a life that consists of cultivating healthy relationships, increased self-esteem, and a lifestyle that aligns with your values and priorities. Remember that boundaries are about taking care of yourself, expressing your needs, and fostering mutual respect.

 

Take Charge of Your Mental Health: A Therapist's Guide to Setting Boundaries

 

Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves to define our limits, protect our mental health and our emotional and physical well-being, and maintain a sense of autonomy. Establishing boundaries is an act of self-respect, asserting your needs and values in relationships and situations. Maintaining a sense of balance can be challenging, especially when it comes to establishing and maintaining boundaries. As a therapist, I understand the crucial role that boundaries play in our mental health and emotional well-being. In this first blog post in my boundary blog series, we'll explore how you can implement boundaries in your own life. 

7 Tips for Implementing Boundaries from a Mental Health Therapist

1. Self reflect

One of the first steps when thinking about implementing boundaries is to begin by reflecting on your values, needs, and personal boundaries. What behaviors or situations leave you feeling drained or uncomfortable? Identify areas in your life where boundaries are needed.

2. Clarify your limits

Define your boundaries clearly and specifically. Be honest with yourself about what you're comfortable with and what crosses the line, whether it's time, energy, physical space, or emotional intimacy.

3. Communicate assertively

Practice assertive communication when expressing your boundaries to others. Use "I" statements to assert your needs without blaming or accusing. Be direct yet respectful in your interactions when setting boundaries.

4. Set realistic expectations

Be realistic about what you can and cannot control. Understand that not everyone will respect your boundaries, and that's okay. Focus on asserting your limits and prioritizing your well-being, regardless of others' reactions.

5. Learn to say “no” 

Saying no is a powerful act of self-care and boundary-setting. Practice saying no to requests or obligations that conflict with your boundaries. This might feel a bit uncomfortable at first. However, it is essential when working towards maintaining boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.

6. Seek support 

Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect and encourage your boundaries. Seek guidance from friends, family, or a therapist who can offer validation, insight, and encouragement as you navigate the boundary-setting process.

7. Practice self-compassion

Be gentle and kind with yourself as you begin to establish and enforce boundaries. It's normal to feel anxious or guilty when you are beginning to set boundaries. However, remember that prioritizing your well-being is not selfish — it's essential for your overall health and happiness.

By recognizing and respecting our own boundaries, we honor ourselves and create space for growth, authenticity, and fulfillment in our lives. Understanding boundaries and how to implement them is the first step towards cultivating healthier, more balanced relationships with ourselves and others. So, take a moment to reflect on your own boundaries, and remember, it's okay to set limits that prioritize your mental health and well-being.

Starting therapy is a great way to prioritize your well-being. If you’d like some help working through and implementing your own boundaries, reach out for a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit for working together!

 

Contempt: 1 Simple Practice to Stop It From Ruining Your Relationship

 

Contempt

In our initial blog post, we introduced The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as outlined in Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver's book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. To delve deeper into these harmful relationship patterns, this post will examine contempt.

What is contempt?

Contempt involves an attitude of superiority and disrespect towards the partner, often manifesting through sarcasm, mockery, or name-calling. Expressions of contempt might include eye-rolling, using demeaning language, or belittling the partner's opinions or interests. Contempt conveys a lack of regard for the other person's feelings and erodes the foundation of trust and intimacy.

Scenario showing contempt in a relationship

Will and Brett’s relationship had become strained due to their ongoing, stressful conflicts. In the last few months, their disagreements had started to include some contemptuous communication, and both of them were becoming more unhappy in their relationship. Their latest fight was over their upcoming summer vacation plans – which should have been a positive discussion to have. 

Brett expressed his desire to go to the beach since they had gone on several consecutive hiking vacations in the mountains over the last couple years. When Will said he wanted to go back to the mountains, Brett replied, “That’s not happening. We just did that last year. You aren’t ever able to slow down and relax…or agree to do what I want to do. I really don’t understand why we always have to go, go, go, on vacation all the time.”

Will, feeling dismissed, replied, “You're just being lazy as usual {and rolled his eyes}. It's pathetic how you don’t want to get out and appreciate nature. You only want to do nothing and lounge in the sun."

In this scenario, contempt was evident in Will's response. He not only disagreed with Brett's preference but also insulted him by implying that Brett was lazy and incapable of appreciating the outdoors.

What is the antidote to contempt? A simple practice to stop contempt in its tracks

To combat contempt, Gottman recommends building a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship. Couples should actively nurture fondness and admiration for each other. Instead of contemptuous behavior, express appreciation and gratitude, regularly. Replace sarcastic remarks with kind and affirming words to help restore mutual respect and emotional closeness.

How could this interaction have gone differently?

In response, Brett could have acknowledged Will's feelings and attempted to find a middle ground for their vacation plans. This alternative approach would have strengthened their ability to have healthier communication and allowed them to work together to resolve their differences.

Do you recognize contempt showing up in your relationship? Relationship counseling can help. Contact us for a free phone consultation and start the process of repairing your relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Relationship Counseling + Gottman Couples Counseling