Taking the First Step: Navigating Relationship Challenges on Your Own

 

Every relationship experiences ups and downs, but what happens when you feel stuck in a cycle of frustration, disconnection, or conflict? While it’s ideal for both partners to work together on resolving issues, that’s not always possible. The good news is that change can start with just one person. Taking the first step to navigate relationship challenges on your own can set the stage for meaningful growth and transformation.

Why Start Individual Therapy for Your Relationship Alone?

It’s common to feel hesitant about addressing relationship issues on your own. You might wonder if your efforts will even make a difference. However, focusing on your own growth and responses can:

  • Shift dynamics within the relationship

  • Reduce tension and create space for open dialogue

  • Empower you to set healthy boundaries and meet your needs

  • Provide clarity for the future of your relationship

When you take responsibility for your role in the relationship, it often encourages your partner to reflect on their own behaviors and contributions.

Steps to Navigate Relationship Challenges on Your Own

  1. Reflect on Your Emotions and Needs

    Understanding your feelings and needs is the first step in addressing relationship challenges. Journaling or speaking with a therapist can help you clarify what’s really going on beneath the surface.

  2. Identify Your Patterns

    Are you quick to avoid conflict, or do you find yourself becoming defensive, reactive, or explosive during disagreements? Recognizing these patterns can help you approach situations more intentionally and productively.

  3. Practice Effective Communication

    You don’t need your partner’s participation to improve communication. Avoid the silent treatment, focus on expressing your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements, and practice active listening when your partner responds.

  4. Set and Uphold Boundaries

    Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Identify what behaviors you’re willing to accept, and communicate these limits clearly and respectfully.

  5. Cultivate Self-Awareness

    Taking time to explore your own beliefs, values, and triggers can help you approach your relationship with more clarity and confidence. This might involve therapy, mindfulness practices, or self-help resources.

  6. Foster Personal Growth

    Working on yourself isn’t just about improving your relationship; it’s also about finding fulfillment and balance in your own life. Pursue hobbies, connect with supportive friends, and take steps to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being.

How Individual Therapy Can Help

Individual therapy is a powerful tool for navigating relationship challenges. A therapist can:

  • Provide an objective perspective on your relationship dynamics

  • Help you develop communication and emotional regulation skills

  • Support you in processing past experiences that may impact your current relationship

  • Guide you in setting realistic expectations and goals

You don’t have to wait for your partner to be ready to start therapy. By seeking support on your own, you’re taking an active step toward positive change.

The Ripple Effect of Change

When you shift how you show up by setting clear boundaries, managing your triggers, and communicating more openly, you affect the emotional climate of the relationship. Your partner is likely to notice and may respond in new ways.

It is important to keep perspective: you control only your own choices and the atmosphere you help create. You can’t force the other person to engage in individual or couples therapy or guarantee that the relationship will survive. However, even if your partner never joins you, your efforts can still lead to a healthier, more fulfilling dynamic.

Begin Your Journey With Austin Relational Wellness

At Austin Relational Wellness, we understand that navigating relationship challenges on your own takes courage. Our licensed therapists are here to support you every step of the way. Whether you’re seeking clarity, healing, or tools to improve your relationship, we can help.

Schedule a free 15-minute phone consult today to take the first step toward creating the changes you want to see in your relationship and in yourself.

 

What Is the Negative Cycle in EFT Couples Therapy?

 

Understanding the Negative Cycle in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples

The negative cycle, also known as the "demon dance" or "dance of disconnection," is a key concept in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It refers to the pattern of negative interactions and reactions that can occur between partners in a relationship.

The negative cycle is often characterized by a pattern of emotional withdrawal, criticism, defensiveness, or other negative behaviors that can trigger negative reactions in the partner. For example, one partner may criticize the other for being emotionally distant, which can cause the other partner to withdraw even further, leading to further criticism and resentment.

EFT couples therapy helps couples identify their negative cycles and understand the underlying emotions and needs that drive them. Through this process, couples can learn to recognize and interrupt the negative cycle, replacing it with more positive and adaptive patterns of interaction.

The negative cycle is a common issue in relationships, but it can be particularly damaging if it becomes a habitual pattern. By working to break the negative cycle and develop more positive patterns of interaction, couples can build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.

Is EFT Backed by Research?

Yes, EFT is supported by a large body of research and has been shown to be effective for a variety of relationship issues.

Numerous studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of EFT for improving relationship satisfaction and reducing relationship distress, as well as for treating individual issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). EFT has also been found to be effective for diverse populations, including couples of different races and sexual orientations.

For example, a meta-analysis of 86 studies found that EFT was highly effective in improving relationship satisfaction and reducing relationship distress, with effect sizes similar to or larger than those of other forms of couple therapy. Another meta-analysis found that EFT was effective in improving individual mental health outcomes, such as reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

EFT has also proven helpful for specific relationship challenges such as infidelity and trauma. One study found that EFT significantly improved relationship satisfaction and reduced trauma symptoms in couples dealing with infidelity.

Overall, the research suggests that EFT couples therapy is a highly effective form of therapy for improving both relational and individual mental health outcomes.

Ready to Break the Cycle and Reconnect?

If you and your partner feel stuck in painful patterns of disconnection, you’re not alone. You don’t have to keep navigating it by yourselves. Emotionally Focused Therapy offers a proven path forward, helping couples move from conflict and shutdown into deeper understanding and connection. If you're looking for EFT couples therapy in Austin, reach out to connect with one of our therapists. We're here to help you rebuild, together.

Written by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Providing Couples Therapy in Austin and Individual Counseling for those looking to deepen connection, improve communication, and create lasting change.

 

What to Do When Your Partner Won’t Go to Therapy: Try This First

 

Relationships are central to our lives, providing connection, support, and love. Yet, even the strongest relationships can hit rough patches where everything feels “stuck.” Arguments may become repetitive, emotional distance may grow, or issues may persist despite attempts to address them. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Individual therapy can be a transformative tool for breaking through these challenges, even if your partner isn’t ready to join you in therapy.

Common Signs Your Relationship Might Be Stuck

When a relationship feels stuck, it’s often due to underlying patterns or unresolved issues. These might include:

Communication breakdowns

  • Conversations might feel more like debates or accusations than meaningful exchanges.

Emotional disconnection

  • You may feel distant from your partner, even when spending time together.

Unresolved conflicts

  • Old arguments or hurts may linger beneath the surface, impacting trust and closeness.

Differing needs or priorities

  • You and your partner may struggle to align your goals or values.

While these challenges are common, they can leave you feeling helpless and unsure of how to move forward.

How Individual Therapy Can Help

Individual therapy isn’t just about addressing personal concerns; it’s also a powerful avenue for improving your relationships. Here’s how it can help:

Gaining Self-Awareness

Therapy provides a safe space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You can uncover patterns such as people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, or defensiveness that may be contributing to the dynamic in your relationship.

Developing Healthy Communication Skills

A therapist can help you identify ineffective communication habits and teach you new strategies for expressing your needs and listening to your partner.

Increasing Emotional Regulation Skills

If you feel overwhelmed by emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration, therapy can provide tools for regulation and reflection, helping you approach relationship challenges more calmly.

Healing Past Wounds

Unresolved personal or relational traumas can influence how you show up in your relationship. Therapy can help you process these experiences and reduce their impact on your present.

Building Boundaries and Confidence

If your relationship feels unbalanced or one-sided, therapy can help you establish healthy boundaries and advocate for your needs without guilt.

Why Choose a Relational Therapist for Individual Therapy?

Not all individual therapists approach relationship challenges in the same way. It’s crucial to work with a therapist trained in relational dynamics and systems theory if you’re seeking therapy due to relationship concerns. A therapist skilled in relational work will focus on understanding the full relationship system rather than simply reinforcing blame or encouraging separation. This helps you gain deeper insights into the patterns that keep your relationship stuck and empowers you to create positive change without just prematurely ending your relationship.

Can Individual Changes Improve the Relationship?

You might worry that working on your relationship alone won’t make a difference. However, change often begins with one person. As you grow and shift, the dynamics in your relationship can naturally start to transform. Your partner may even feel inspired to join you in therapy down the road.

When to Seek Individual Therapy

Consider reaching out to a therapist if:

  • You feel stuck or unhappy in your relationship.

  • Your attempts to improve the relationship haven’t worked.

  • You want to understand your role in the relationship dynamic.

  • You’re considering big decisions, such as whether to stay in the relationship.

Start Your Journey With Austin Relational Wellness

At Austin Relational Wellness, we understand the complexities of relationships and the courage it takes to seek help. Our experienced therapists are here to support you in navigating challenges, whether you’re seeking clarity, healing, or growth.

You don’t have to stay stuck. Taking the first step toward individual therapy can lead to meaningful change in yourself and potentially in your relationship.

Schedule a free 15-minute phone consult today to learn how we can help you move forward.

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Lauren Little

 

Tell us a little about your background as a therapist…

Hello there! My name is Lauren Little, and I am an Austin, TX-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate seeing individuals, couples, and other relational units. As an Austin couples therapist, I work with a variety of clients and draw on my training in several therapeutic models, including Attachment Theory, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Additionally, I have received specific training in grief and loss, spiritual harm and religious trauma, and sex therapy. 

Why did you choose to become a therapist?

For the past decade, I have worked as a pediatric nurse caring for patients and their families facing chronic and terminal illnesses. My passion has always been to offer compassionate, holistic care. Over time, I found myself especially drawn to the mental health side of caring for others. My own experience in therapy has had a profound impact on me and ultimately inspired me to pursue graduate school. I went on to complete my Master’s in Counseling at Texas State University and pursued additional counseling training for couples therapy and other populations, further deepening my commitment to helping others on their healing journey.

What are you passionate about in the therapy room?

My training reflects the many passions that led me to become a therapist. As an Austin couples therapist, I am especially passionate about working with couples and individuals who seek deeper intimacy within their relationships and wish to overcome challenges in emotional and physical connection. I enjoy working with clients who desire a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.

Additionally, I am deeply committed to supporting clients who have experienced grief or loss, addressing the many aspects of life that can be impacted by these experiences. I am also particularly passionate about working with individuals who have experienced spiritual harm or religious abuse, helping them heal and rebuild a healthy sense of self.

In my work with individuals, I am dedicated to supporting those navigating life transitions, managing anxiety and depression, and those who may have experienced trauma or have developmental trauma histories.

Beyond the therapy space, what do you enjoy?

Outside of sessions, I cherish time with my husband and our baby girl. Together we love exploring Austin and find joy in the food and coffee scene. Catching live music or sitting down to a meal with family and friends are other favorite activities. If I’m not doing these things, I enjoy a good yoga flow, getting lost in a book, or finishing a sewing project. I am currently working on a quilt and learning how to two-step!

Looking for an Austin couples therapist or individual therapist? Reach out to Lauren to schedule a free 15-minute phone consult!

 

6 Strategies to Help Couples Navigate Life Transitions as a Team

 

Major life transitions, such as moving to a new city, having a baby, or changing careers, can bring about significant changes in a couple's dynamic. While these transitions can be exciting, they can also be challenging and stressful. In this blog post, we'll explore strategies for couples to support each other during these significant changes and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Understanding Major Life Transitions

Common Types of Life Transitions

    • Relocation: Moving to a new home or city

    • Career Changes: Starting a new job or business, changing careers, or going back to school

    • Family Changes: Getting married, having a baby, dealing with a family illness, or caring for aging parents

    • Financial Changes: Significant changes in income, such as a job loss or major investment

Common Challenges for Couples Experiencing Life Transitions

    • Stress and Anxiety: Uncertainty and fear of the unknown

    • Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings and lack of communication

    • Different Coping Mechanisms: Each partner may handle stress differently

Strategies for Navigating Life Transitions

  1. Open Communication

    • Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to talk about each partner’s feelings, needs, concerns, and expectations.

    • Active Listening: Listen to each other without interrupting and validate each other’s feelings.

    • Transparency: Be honest about your needs and worries.

    • Refrain from Criticizing: Transitions are difficult enough. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and refrain from criticizing during conversations.

    • Check your Defensiveness: With increased stress and anxiety, it’s easy to be defensive and blaming. Manage your defensiveness and own your part to help conversations go more smoothly.

  2. Set Realistic Expectations

    • Manage Expectations: Understand that things might not go as planned and be prepared to adapt.

    • Be Patient: Allow time for adjustment, and don’t rush the process.

  3. Work as a Team

    • Share Responsibilities: Divide tasks and support each other in managing the workload.

    • Problem-Solve Together: Approach challenges as a team rather than individually.

  4. Seek Support

    • Professional Help: Consider seeing a couples therapist to help navigate the transition.

    • Support Networks: Lean on friends and family for additional support.

  5. Self-Care and Mutual Care

    • Personal Well-being: Take time for self-care activities to reduce stress.

    • Quality Time Together: Spend time doing enjoyable activities to strengthen your bond.

  6. Celebrate Milestones

    • Acknowledge Progress: Celebrate small wins and progress in your journey.

    • Create Positive Memories: Focus on creating positive experiences together.

Navigating these transitions alone can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. The strategies outlined may seem simple, but they can be difficult to implement when you’re in the midst of stress, anxiety, and communication difficulties. Our couples therapy services are designed to help you and your partner manage these changes and come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re facing a significant life transition and need support, contact us today to schedule a free consultation for Austin couples therapy and take the first step toward a healthier, happier relationship. Let us help you turn these challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

Article by Hannah Eubank, LPC, LMFT

Contact us for Austin Couples Therapy through the link below

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Emily Ilseng

 

Tell us a little about who you are and your background as a couples therapist…

Hi there! My name is Emily Ilseng, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate and couples therapist based in Austin, Texas. Since I started counseling, I have worked with a variety of individuals, couples, teens, and families. I am trained in Prepare/Enrich, which I utilize in premarital therapy with couples, and I also use Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Why did you choose to become a couples therapist?

Learning about psychology, relationship dynamics, and having an understanding of a person’s personality has always fascinated me, and it is what initially sparked my desire to be a therapist. Growing up, I always wanted to be at a job that revolved around working with others and helping others. Therapy as a profession felt like a great way to help and support others in a personal manner. Another reason why I chose to become a therapist is because I know what it feels like to feel misunderstood and just want to feel seen and heard. As a therapist, I now have the privilege and opportunity to provide a safe space to allow clients to feel heard and seen, as well as explore their emotions and whatever challenges life might be throwing at them.

Where did you get your counseling education?

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Texas Tech University. I have a Master of Arts in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage, Couples, and Family Therapy from St. Edward's University here in Austin.

What types of therapy clients do you like to work with?

In individual therapy, I love to work with those who might be experiencing perfectionism or are wanting to understand their own relationships or family dynamics. I specialize in couples therapy for those who are longing for a deeper connection with their partner or are wanting to repair their relationship after a betrayal. The reason I love working with these types of individuals or couples has to do with my own personal experience of wanting a deeper understanding of my own relationships and family dynamics. I have a passion for learning about relationships, and I want to help support others who are wanting to gain a better understanding of themselves or their relationship dynamics.

What do you enjoy outside of therapy?

Outside of the therapy room, I like to read my Kindle. My favorite genre right now is psychological thrillers, specifically those written by Freida McFadden! I also enjoy watching college football with friends, and in the fall, I love attending games. My favorite teams to watch are my Texas Tech Red Raiders, of course! A close second favorite is Texas Christian University— Go Frogs! I also love going to spin classes, going for walks on the trail, and playing golf when the weather is nice.

If you resonate with Emily and you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. 

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

Benefits of Premarital Counseling

 

Premarital counseling can be beneficial for the health of both partners and your relationship, even if you’re looking forward to your wedding and don’t feel like you have any pressing relational issues. This type of counseling provides a safe and supportive space for couples to explore specific aspects of their relationship. Pre-marital therapy can help improve communication skills, preemptively identify future challenges, build a stronger relational bond between partners, discuss sensitive topics, and plan for the future.

Improve communication skills

Effective communication is crucial to a healthy relationship and can positively impact a couple’s relational and mental health. Through counseling, couples can learn how to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is clear, respectful, and non-confrontational. They can also learn active listening skills that promote emotional intimacy and reduce the risk of misunderstandings that can negatively affect their relationship.

Identify future disputes

Premarital counseling can help to identify and address potential, longer-term challenges, before they become significant issues. This can be done by assisting partners to identify potential triggers or future misalignments and develop coping strategies that minimize the impact of these conflicts on the health of their marriage.

Develop skills to navigate conflict

All couples will experience some type of conflict. Counseling can help to identify the couple’s patterns while in conflict and introduce new skills and strategies to improve their argumentative styles. Improvements in how a couple argues can result in shorter times in discourse and greater understanding of their partner’s unique perspective.

Build stronger relational bonds

Counseling can help partners develop a deeper understanding of each other's needs, increase emotional connection, and build a deeper sense of trust – all important components of a healthy marriage. By strengthening these parts of their relationship, a couple can protect their relationship from feelings of loneliness when life becomes stressful.

Discuss sensitive topics

Premarital counseling provides a safe space to discuss sensitive topics, such as intimacy, family planning, finances, religion, past trauma, or mental health struggles. Couples can explore these issues and work through these areas in a non-judgmental and supportive environment. This work can lead to increased emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and empathy for themselves and each other.

Plan for the future

Counseling can help couples set realistic expectations for their future together. This is especially important since having unspoken, unrealistic expectations for their marriage can lead to disappointment, frustration, and stress. Engaging in therapy can help partners develop strategies to competently navigate challenges that may arise as their marriage commences and matures.

If you and your partner are interested in benefiting from premarital counseling, reach out to any of our therapists for support in your journey to the altar. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, Couples Therapy, & Marriage Counseling in Austin, TX

 

How to Support Someone with Anxiety

 

To conclude this series on panic attacks and anxiety, this post will focus on how to support someone who experiences anxiety. Check out my previous posts to read the full series - Panic Attacks vs. Anxiety | How to Know the Difference + How To Support Someone During a Panic Attack.

Similar to panic attacks, unless you have had a discussion with your loved one about how they want to be cared for during their anxious moments, you can feel unsure about how to provide support for them. Here, we list some strategies you can immediately employ with them or use to begin a dialog about what may resonate best with them to manage their anxiety. By learning more about some of these general tactics, you can help create a stable, understanding environment for anyone who struggles with anxiety.

Here are some suggestions for how to care for someone who is experiencing anxiety:

  • When someone shares that they are feeling anxious, listen and validate their feelings. Anxious thoughts can feel overwhelming so try to avoid minimizing their anxiety, dismissing their experience, or telling them to “just relax”. Instead, show empathy and acknowledge the challenges they are facing.

  • Encourage the person to identify triggers that may have led to the onset of their anxious feelings and help them to employ coping strategies such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or practicing mindfulness. Ask them if they have any unique, specific tactics that have worked for them in the past and then help them to implement them.

  • Anxiety can make everyday duties more difficult, so offer practical, logistical support by helping with tasks such as grocery shopping, running errands, or basic housekeeping. Assisting with some of these common, daily tasks can help alleviate some of the general stress your loved one may be feeling at the same time as the anxiety is present.

  • Supporting someone who is experiencing anxiety can be emotionally and mentally draining so also remember the importance of taking care of yourself. This may involve seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional of your own.

  • If your loved one’s anxiety is severe or interfering with their daily life, encourage them to seek help from a mental health professional. A therapist or other mental health provider can help them understand the root cause of their anxiety and develop additional strategies for managing it.

With patience and understanding, you can help your loved one feel supported and cared for as they experience and manage their anxiety. Remember that seeking help and finding coping strategies are important steps in managing anxiety and improving overall well-being.

 

9 Cognitive Distortions That Influence Negative Thinking

 

Do you recall a time when you were driving, a song came on, and as a result, you felt a certain emotion or had a specific memory? Then what happened? Did you feel sad and cry, or maybe you got mad and got upset? Then what did you do? Did you text your ex because the song made you think of them or honk at a car around you because you were mad?

Sometimes, do you feel like these experiences are out of your control? Our thoughts impact our emotions, which influence our behavior. This concept is the foundation of a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT.

The premise of CBT is about how what we feel, what we think, and how we act impact one another.

Let’s take another example - you go on Instagram, see someone posted a picture on vacation with their new girlfriend, and you then think, “I will die alone.”

This is an example of what we call a cognitive distortion - a thought pattern or belief that is exaggerated, irrational, or inaccurate. Sometimes we create cognitive distortions from thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

CBT therapy helps you process your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to be more present. One way to do this is by working with cognitive distortions.

Examples of cognitive distortions:

  1. Black and white thinking - you have an all-or-nothing mentality

    Example: “I didn’t do the dishes. I am lazy, and I am a failure.”

  2. Catastrophizing - you go to the extreme, worst-case scenario 

    Example: “I will not pass the exam, and it will be a bad experience.”

  3. Discounting - you feel unworthy and discount an experience, justifying the unworthiness

    Example: “I only passed because I got lucky.”

  4. Emotional reasoning - you rationalize your feeling

    Example: “I feel sad, so something must be wrong with my career.”

  5. Labeling  - you label yourself as something negative 

    Example: “I am broken.”

  6. Should statements - you guilt or shame yourself for what you think you are supposed to do

    Example: “I should fold the laundry right now, even though I am exhausted.” 

  7. Blaming - you blame someone or something else

    Example: “It is my mom's fault for being like this.” 

  8. Overgeneralizing  - you generalize an experience

    Example: “I had bad luck last time I tried this. I will never get it right.”

  9. Mind reading - assuming what someone else is thinking

    Example: “I know he doesn’t like me.”

Cognitive distortions can impact how we feel about ourselves, go about our day, and impact our overall well-being. With CBT strategies, we can become more aware and train ourselves to be aware of these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to improve our quality of life.

Here are a few CBT strategies:

Cognitive Restructuring

This strategy is about identifying and reframing cognitive distortions with a better outlook.

For example, you recognize when tell yourself that you are lazy because you should have been more productive (an example of a should statement and an overgeneralization). You can use the strategy of cognitive restructuring to reframe and consciously remember all the times you have been productive, then instead tell yourself that maybe you need rest right now.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is one of the best ways to be present. Mindfulness practices include breathing, meditation, journaling, and moving your body. The key is to purposefully engage in and focus on an experience without any evaluation or judgement. With a mindfulness practice, you become more aware of your thoughts, befriend them, and are able to just be with them.  You can bring the subconscious to consciousness. You can respond versus react to your thoughts. By tuning into yourself, you can intentionally replace your cognitive distortions with cognitive restructuring.

Other CBT strategies include exposure therapy, self-compassion, behavioral activation, and skill training.

Realizing that some of these cognitive distortions are ones you use at times? Reach out to Sarah for support in recognizing and working with cognitive distortions in individual CBT therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

 

In my previous post, I wrote about attachment theory, attachment styles, and specifically, anxious attachment style. In this post, we’ll explore another type of attachment style — avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are generally more distant or dismissive of closeness and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, these individuals did not receive the closeness they were perhaps craving as a child. Their need to express emotions and connectedness was met with disapproval. Those with an avoidant attachment style perhaps had more closed-off, emotionally unavailable, or stern parents. With this, as adults, those with an avoidant attachment style can be very independent and self-sufficient and appear confident. These individuals may fear too much closeness and come off as dismissive.

Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers

Those with avoidant attachment styles can display the image of being overall happy and “fine.” At the same time, on the inside, they struggle to connect with their partner or to feel safe expressing themselves deeply. They might appear to have high self-esteem and a fun-loving personality. They are easy to be around, and it often seems like they have it all together, but they struggle to actually get close to others. For those with avoidant attachment style, a relationship can start to feel scary when the bond starts to feel too “deep.” It may feel like a closed door when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy with this attachment style. To a partner, this may seem hot and cold and be confusing.

Ways to Manage an Avoidant Attachment Style 

For those with avoidant attachment style, a first step to managing this style is actually to create space and distance. This is a good time to self-reflect and recalibrate the nervous system. Once you regulate your nervous system, you can start asking yourself questions like — “What do I feel? What sensations are arising emotionally and physically? What will make me feel safe to open up?”

Then ask yourself — “What do I need, and what should I do?”  How can you feel safe to share with your partner and lean into the conversation? What will make you feel close?   Gaining insight into your internal compass and taking baby steps towards softening towards another person is a strong step forward that can lead you from avoidant to secure attachment.

For the partner of an individual with avoidant attachment style, it can be so hard to give the avoidant partner space, especially if the partner leans towards an anxious attachment style themselves. The partner may need to take a beat and get curious about their own attachment triggers to give room for their partner to manage theirs. You can also approach your partner by asking how you can support them and how the two of you can connect in the moment. 

In addition to self-reflection and nervous system regulation, individual therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, and mindfulness practices can help you manage your avoidant attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas