How Date Night Can Help | Moving on From the Crisis That Brought You to Couples Therapy

 

There are times when your relationship or marriage feels so-so – when you’re feeling like things are going okay – not bad but also not great. There may be a strong desire and longing for your relationship to be more enjoyable. This can be a common feeling for couples who have just been through a crisis.

If you’re a couple who has started going to couples therapy, these feelings can arise after you and your partner have weathered the crisis that brought you to couples therapy and after you’ve reached a sustained period of time with an even level of stability within your partnership. 

Our relationship isn’t on fire or burning down anymore, but are we really enjoying ourselves?

After you’ve been through any stressful relational situation, there’s a good chance those events have changed some aspects of you as a person, how you view life, or how you view your relationship. The events have also probably changed your partner and your interactions in your relationship. 

How can we start to enjoy each other’s company again?

When you think about times you felt good with your partner, you may think about the experiences you’ve had together or the memories you have made during your relationship, prior to your crisis. One strategy to start to feel more positively toward your partner is to take or make opportunities to create more positive experiences to add to your memory bank. 

Would a date night help?

Date nights can help, and there are strategies that can increase the chance your date night will be a positive experience. The success of a date night doesn’t depend only on spending dedicated, quality time with your partner. Novel experiences – an encounter that both of you are trying for the first time – can take your date nights to a new level of enjoyment. When we try new things, our brain’s reward system is activated, and we produce some of the same chemicals that are also associated with romantic love. 

If you take the opportunity to try something new, you may learn something new about yourself, you may learn something about your partner, or you’ll try a new place. Ideas for introducing new experiences to date night can be as simple as changing your dinner venue to a restaurant neither of you has been to before. You can also get more creative and book a cooking class or try stand up paddle boarding. 

Approach experiences with your partner from a place of adventure, creativity, and curiosity, and you’ll have a better chance to create connections with your partner that take your relationship or marriage from feeling okay to feeling good again.

If you’re struggling to move forward from the relationship crisis that brought you into couples therapy in the first place, this is a great thing to bring up in your next couples therapy session.

Not yet in couples therapy or marriage counseling but having a difficult time navigating a crisis or getting back to a good place? Reaching out for couples therapy could be a step in the right direction.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

Feeling Disconnected When You’re Apart? | How Couples Communicate to Get Connected

 

How do you keep from feeling disconnected from your partner when the two of you are physically apart?

Relationships and marriages have their ups and downs – times when you feel close to your partner and times when you feel more distant. These feelings can be enhanced when you and your partner are unable to achieve or maintain physical proximity – such as when one of you is traveling or when one of you has to put in longer hours at work.

Furthermore, if you’re in a challenging phase of your relationship due to unexpected stresses, you may need extra support from your partner. Here, we discuss a few ideas to help you proactively take action to stay and feel connected while you’re apart.

Be open and communicate about feeling disconnected

Sometimes, there is a misalignment between when we feel connected or disconnected from our partner and when our partner feels connected or disconnected from us. If you’re away from home to take care of your mother who just had surgery, you may be so busy that you don’t even notice a disconnection, but your partner could be feeling very distant from you. If you’re starting to feel some distance growing for yourself, share this feeling with your partner, and encourage them to do the same.

How do we prevent disconnection from happening when we are physically separated?

To become aware of your own sense of connection, one question you can ask yourself is:

“In previous times when we’ve been apart, when have I felt the most connected to my partner?”

Examples of these moments could be:

  • when they sent good morning or good night texts

  • when they called to check in on your day or you did the same for them

  • when you shared that you missed them and they said they missed you too

  • when they asked to make a video call to wish you good luck on your big presentation at work

The potential for small moments like these are endless, and these types of moments will be unique to both you and your partner.

Before you’re apart, you and your partner could make a list of these types of moments and share them with each other. Commit to each other that you’ll implement one item from the other’s list each day you’re physically apart.  If you have conversations before you’re in different physical locations and too far down the road of disconnection, you’ll have a better chance of staving off more significant feelings of separateness.

Review what worked and what didn’t

After a period of time apart, have a discussion about what moments cultivated a sense of connection for each of you and plan to implement those efforts during future times you’re apart.

If disconnection is something that affects your relationship or marriage and you feel you could use a little extra help navigating the shift toward greater connection, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help. Reach out to find out more about if couples counseling is right for you.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Tips from a Therapist on Coping with Pet Loss & Grief

 

If you’ve ever had a pet, you’ve experienced how animals love us unconditionally. They know all parts of us and are our “fur babies”, which can make it so hard to process when they are sick or when they pass. In fact, research has shown losing a pet can hit harder than losing a human for some people.

Lately, I have had a handful of conversations with friends about making difficult decisions, such as having to put their dog down or their cat suddenly getting sick. They’ve described how the experiences filled them with a rush of anxiety and panic and left them wondering how to cope. Personally, I have a senior dog that is aging, and I too have explored what grief due to pet loss looks like.

Understanding your grief and loss

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, it is widely accepted in the therapist community that grief has 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While they are called stages, they don’t always go in a particular order, so it’s important to honor where you are at any given moment.

The first few days may hit you the hardest. When you don’t hear their paw steps or there’s no one wagging their tail at the door to greet you, it can be difficult.

Like any time you are struggling, you want to be sure you are meeting your basic needs and that you are eating, sleeping, going to work, and meeting obligations. Around the month mark, you may want to assess if it feels more like depression than grief. In a future post, I’ll touch on the differences between grief and depression.

Find ways to process the grief and loss 

One way to process grief is through ceremony. Prior to your pet passing, give them their best moments before saying goodbye — a steak, a walk on the beach, and all the “I love you’s”. If you can, create a ceremony to celebrate their life. You can even hold a service with your community of friends. 

Take the space you need 

It is okay to take a personal day from work. In fact, some companies honor pet loss as a family loss. You can also find ways to grieve such as:

1. Find a support group or system

2. Write your pet a letter

3. Know that your grief is valid

4. Don’t compare your grief to others’

5. Honor when and if you want to have another pet join your family

6. Acknowledge that it is okay to cry and have waves hit you suddenly

7. Talk about your pet and share memories with those around you

8. Talk to a therapist

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Grief & Loss Therapist

 

How to Overcome Gridlocked Conflict | Tips from an Austin Couples Therapist

 

In this final post of our blog series, we’ll explore gridlocked problems – types of perpetual problems that have the potential to cause real damage to your relationship. If you’re new to this series, go check out the previous posts on Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over and Over Again, 3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy, and Will Recurring Arguments Keep Us From Having a Happy Relationship?

We will use Scenario C from this series’ original post to explore how this couple might approach a perpetual problem that has turned gridlocked:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that perpetual problems can morph into gridlocked problems when a couple becomes frustrated with the repeated cycling of the same argument and they don’t see any progress towards a solution. Couples experience this type of argument in a particularly painful way since it is characteristically steeped with criticism and feelings of rejection by your partner. Kate and Danny’s scenario illustrates how their argument has turned into one where they both feel judged and rejected by each other.

The scenario notes that Kate voices her displeasure with Danny by calling him lazy and worthless; Danny responds by withdrawing, refusing to discuss the issue, and disconnecting from Kate – neither partner is making an effort to understand why the other has become so upset. In gridlocked problems, there are usually personal dreams of one or both partners that are being unfulfilled. Unless an effort is made to uncover these, no progress will be made to manage the disagreement.

So, how do they solve this issue? Each partner could explore any hidden dreams they have within the gridlocked conflict. Kate’s dream may be that she wants to feel prioritized in her relationship or that she wants to feel a sense of order at home. Danny’s dream may be to feel a consistent sense of autonomy in a relationship or feel that he’s able to relax and not have things look perfect. After exploring these dreams for themselves, Kate and Danny could then share these desires with each other, refraining from using criticism of each other’s deeper story. 

Since research shows that most of all marital problems are perpetual problems, meaning they will recur, even healthy relationships will experience the same arguments over and over again. I hope this series has helped to show you how to identify and manage solvable, perpetual, and gridlocked problems.

If you feel you and your partner could benefit from a little extra help navigating your own marital problems, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help. Your couples therapist can guide you in communicating and understanding one another on deeper levels to increase your connection for a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

8 Self-Compassion Exercises for Critical Self-Talk

 

In my previous post, I talked about the importance of self-compassion in coping with symptoms of depression and anxiety. In this blog post, I will follow up with 8 self-compassion exercises prepared by local Austin, TX self-compassion researcher and writer, Kristin Neff. These exercises can help you learn to shift out of critical self-talk and increase your mental health. 

Exercise 1:  Talk to Yourself Like a You Would a Loved One

If your best friend was struggling, think about how you would respond… Compare this to your own self-talk. Have you ever found that what you say to yourself is much harsher than what you would say to a friend? For example: If you were late for work, you may say to yourself, “What is wrong with you, why can’t you be on time?”  If you were talking to a friend, perhaps you would say, “That’s ok, we are all human and make mistakes.”  It’s a simple shift, but try to talk to yourself as if you were speaking to someone else. 

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break 

This is like a pep talk or talking yourself off the ledge. Kristen Neff suggests

1. Acknowledge it hurts, that this is a moment of pain, and that is okay.

2. Accept and be open to validation that you aren’t alone in this suffering.

3. Ask yourself what you need with an affirmation to yourself such as, “May I be gentle with myself.” Then pause.

Exercise 3: Writing

Get a journal! There is a great deal of research and science-backed data on the benefits of journaling. You can journal when you find you are hard on yourself and need to reframe your self-talk with self-compassion. You may find that you start with negative journaling, but then work to reframe your writing with forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. 

Exercise 4: Touch 

Touch has the powerful impact of soothing us. You can activate this by co-regulating with your pet, getting a massage, or hugging a loved one. An exercise in intentional touch activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you regulate anxiety and return to safety in the present moment. And when we feel grounded in the moment, we are more likely to be nice to ourselves. What form of touch calms you?

Exercise 5: Reframe Your Critical Voice

Start by slowing down and being more aware of your internal self-critic. With more mindfulness and practice, this will become a habit. When you catch yourself saying something harsh to yourself, talk to yourself like a best friend and reframe it. For example, you can say, “There you go being hard on yourself. You don’t need to do that to yourself today. You did the best you could. You are safe and okay.” Less shame and “shoulds”, more your tenderness towards yourself. How can you warm your critical voice?

Exercise 6: Self-Compassion Journal

This exercise is similar to the writing exercise above, but it goes a layer deeper than the catharsis of the previous writing exercise. This self-compassion exercise prompts you to take a painful experience from your day and process using the 3 components of self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness

2. Common humanity

3. Self-kindness

This helps you learn how to see you aren’t alone in your suffering and flexes the self-compassion muscle of emotions and thoughts.

Exercise 7: Problem-Solve

Do you ever feel stuck and go down the shame spiral? If you know what you want, you can perhaps free yourself from the self-induced suffering.

1. Identify where self-criticism is your motivator - your body image, your finances?

2. Is there a kinder way you can motivate yourself? What is the most supportive thing you can say to yourself?

3. When you catch your self-criticism, pause, reframe, and be your own cheerleader.

Exercise 8: Caregiving the Caregivers

The saying goes, put your own oxygen mask on first. It is okay to set boundaries and recharge. You can say no to events and places. As you may help a child recharge, see how a nap and a soft blanket can be nourishing. Offer yourself the same opportunities to care for yourself and get cozy.

Whether you’re implementing self-compassion practices with guidance in individual counseling or on your own, exercises like these can be an important part in helping you live a healthy, fulfilling life with loving kindness towards yourself and others.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Individual Counseling

 

Will Recurring Arguments Keep Us From Having a Happy Relationship?

 

If you’re new to this blog series, go check out the previous posts on Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over and Over Again and 3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy. In those posts, we posed three questions, and this month, we’ll start to address the last of these questions.

Question 3: If we aren’t able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

We will use Scenario B from last month’s post to explore how this couple might approach a perpetual (not gridlocked) problem:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that perpetual problems arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs. Kate and Danny’s situation illustrates one common perpetual issue – differences in how each partner views tidiness/messiness. 

The scenario notes that as soon as she and Danny started dating, Kate noticed that Danny was messier than she was. She also is aware that she has perfectionistic tendencies. Kate and Danny are fundamentally different when it comes to how they value neatness – these traits were there when they met, and they are unlikely to change without radical movement on one or both sides.

So, how do they solve this issue? 

Without changes to their personalities or values, a discrete solution isn’t easy to reach. They can, however, manage the issue by holding their differences loosely and inject humor or greater acceptance of their partner, while taking individual responsibility for the part of the dynamic that they control. Taking an active role in what they can control, versus trying to change their partner, can impact the couple’s ability to keep the perpetual problem from turning into a problem that is toxic and harmful to their connection. 

For example:

Kate could make a conscious effort to accept that Danny is inherently messier than she is, she could decrease the amount of harping she does about Danny’s lack of attention to order, or she could playfully joke about how different they are. 

Danny could hire someone to assist with the yard work, he could make more of an effort than he currently is on the yard, or he could also joke about how different they are. 

If Kate and Danny were to make small efforts on their part, they would move towards a more harmonious place where they essentially agree to disagree on how important the yard is. These options do not represent a distinct solution but, rather, a more manageable middle ground - a place where Kate and Danny can maintain their level of happiness within their partnership and not let the argument wound their relationship.

Next month, we’ll finish up this series by examining the scenario when this argument turns to a gridlocked problem – exactly the toxic, harmful version of perpetual problems that all couples want to avoid. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Finding Rituals and Routine to Feel Grounded During Transition

 

In the summer of 2020, I found myself feeling totally untethered. We were two months into the COVID-19 pandemic, the world was unrecognizable, and my entire counseling and therapy practice had moved online.

Pre-COVID, my day-to-day as a counselor was commuting to South Austin, grabbing lunch on the go, and meeting up with friends and family between engagements. So summer 2020, I found myself stuck in the lull of being at my house 24/7. An Enneagram 7’s nightmare.

This transition was rough. I spent my days alone at home and noticed myself feeling aimless, uncertain, and anxious. There was no end to this work from home in sight, so I needed to find something to ground me.

I knew from my work with my counseling clients that having a routine can help with both anxiety and depression. When we’re going through a major transition, routines and rituals can be extremely helpful. I also know that creating a routine when you are depressed can be challenging… so I implemented a few things.

My Daily Routine to Support Mental Health & Counter Depression

Wake Up

I started getting up at the same time each day, even if my meetings started a little later that day. Even if I just woke up and went and sat on the couch. I got out of bed and started my day.

Get Ready

I fixed my hair and makeup and put on real clothes, down to my shoes. Even If I didn’t plan to leave the house or have a client-facing counseling session, there was something grounding in me taking care of myself in this way. It’s not for everyone, but for me, when I look and feel put together, I feel my best. No one could see my shoes, but I felt better.

Make Your Bed

I made my bed. You hear this all the time, if you do one thing… make your bed! Even if your day ends up terrible, you still accomplished this, and you get into a nicely made bed that evening. 

Feel the Earth

I got outside for a few minutes each morning. Felt my feet on the earth, let the sun shine on my face, observed the birds, sat with my dog. There are countless benefits of vitamin D and grounding in the earth. We need to get out of our house! One of the first things I ask my clients when they report being overwhelmed or depressed is… “Have you been outside today?”

Transition out of Work Mode

Lastly, I changed my clothes after work to signal the transition to non-work mode. I no longer had the time during my typical commute to process my day, so this ritual helped me feel done with my day and able to leave all the energy behind.

The Importance of Ritual in Transition

All of these things I implemented became a daily ritual for me that helped me feel grounded and present for whatever the day brought me. It’s been over two years since I developed these rituals to help me cope with such a challenging transition period. They have become second nature to me and continue to help me feel grounded on a daily basis.

As I find myself in the last weeks of my pregnancy, preparing for what will most likely be the biggest transition I’ve experienced thus far, I intend to not only keep these in practice, but also implement new ideas to stay grounded and present during the next few weeks.

I’ll be working on some technology boundaries so I don’t end up in mindless scrolling or overstimulation from internet parenting advice. This might look like staying off my phone for a few hours in the morning, deleting Instagram for the first month, or sitting with my own intuition for 10 minutes before Googling something. I’ll also focus on routines that help me maintain a peaceful environment with minimal effort. I’ve already prepared by getting rid of a ton of extra stuff in my home that required management to make room for the new!

What daily rituals or routines help you feel grounded during transitions?

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, MA, LPC, LMFT

 

Self-Compassion: A Useful Tool to Counter Anxiety and Depression

 

When your friend goes through a breakup, do you find yourself able to reassure them that it will all be okay?

Or when they call you embarrassed over something they did, are you able to see it from a different perspective and offer love and support? 

On the other hand, when you do something embarrassing yourself, you say to yourself, “How embarrassing, what is wrong with you?” Why do you offer compassion towards others and criticism towards yourself? For many individuals, this act of self-criticizing can contribute to depression, anxiety, and many other mental health difficulties.

Fortunately, there’s something you can do to counteract your inner critic. Let’s explore the concept of self-compassion. 

Kristen Neff, associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department of educational psychology, has heavily researched self-compassion and the power it has to support an individual in the process of getting unstuck and steering the brain away from criticism.

Self-compassion is noticing your suffering and offering yourself compassion as you would your best friend. Self-compassion is not high self-esteem or self-pity.

Neff states, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way [you would towards others] towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

Neff identifies 3 elements to self compassion:

  1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment - offering self-kindness that is warm and understanding vs. self-judgment that is cold and critical

  2. Common humanity vs. isolation - recognition that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and you aren’t alone in making mistakes or feeling uncomfortable feelings

  3. Mindfulness vs. overidentification - acknowledgment and observance of your negative emotions rather than reactivity or suppression of the emotions

There are many self-compassion techniques that are similar to mindfulness techniques. Through her research, Neff found that the key is not to suppress the pain but to just be with it in acceptance. You can always start with a pressing exercise, to release the suffering and invite self-compassion. I like putting my hand over my heart and saying, “It’s okay… you are here now… you are human.”

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. In my next post, I will share 8 simple exercises you can do to practice self-compassion.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy

 

In a previous blog post, Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over & Over Again, we discussed how couples can find themselves in recurring conflict. According to Gottman Method Couples Therapy, generally, relational conflict includes one of three types of problems – solvable problems, perpetual problems, or a subtype of perpetual problems, called gridlocked problems. We posed three questions, and this month, we’ll address the second of these questions.

Question 2: Will we ever be able to solve this problem?

The quick answer to this question is… maybe. To analyze this further, let’s look at a few example scenarios that sometimes come up in couples therapy, where a couple is arguing about yard work.

Can you spot what type of problem the couple is dealing with?

What are the important differences in these scenarios?

Base scenario in Couples Therapy:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. 

Scenario A = Base scenario + the following:

Kate is upset that Danny hasn’t been taking care of the yard in the last few weeks. Danny argues that he’s been increasingly tired due to additional work stress and having to spend more hours at work. He tries to explain that it’s hard to keep up the yard as he usually does since he now gets home after dark. Kate’s still mad because he’s not keeping up his end of their agreement.

Scenario B = Base scenario + the following:

Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

Scenario C = Base scenario + the following:

When they first met, Kate noticed Danny was messier than she was, but she thought he’d eventually come to realize how important keeping an organized home was to her. Kate feels their neighbors judge the messiness of their yard, and she sees Danny’s dismissal of the severity of the issue as a sign he doesn’t prioritize their relationship. When they have this fight, Kate accuses Danny of being lazy and worthless as a husband. Now, every time that Kate brings up the issue of the yard, Danny walks out of the room and refuses to discuss the issue. He’s stopped doing much of anything to keep the yard up and only does the absolute minimum to meet their neighborhood HOA standards. In fact, they have been cited and fined several times over the last year.

When you consider whether Kate and Danny will be able to resolve this problem – which of these scenarios seem the easiest or hardest to solve?

Which of these scenarios is solvable, perpetual, or gridlocked?

Scenario A is an easy one - it's the solvable problem. This argument is situational in nature and there are many ways to address the issue - Kate and Danny could temporarily hire someone to help with the yard, Kate could help out, or Danny could share more about his work stress with Kate so that she relaxes her standards during this unusually stressful time. 

What solutions do you see for Scenario B and Scenario C?

Those are the types of scenarios that couples often find themselves learning to navigate in couples therapy. These scenarios aren’t so easy…

In the next blog post in this series, we’ll examine how to approach perpetual or gridlocked issues.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

How Stress Impacts Functioning: Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

 

What is something that pushes you past your emotional limit?

Is it being in a huge fight with your partner?

Feeling the pressure to perform from several people in your life?

Crowded and loud spaces?

Everyone has their own unique response to the stressors and demands of life. Stress is a huge part of what gets explored and worked through in individual counseling and couples therapy sessions.

Managing Stress

One way people are able to manage their stress and triggers is to first manage their emotions. We ideally want to stay in a place where we can still function well. Daniel Siegel has named this concept the “window of tolerance”. Siegel describes the window of tolerance as “The optimal zone of “arousal” for a person to function in everyday life. When a person is operating within this zone or window, they can effectively manage and cope with their emotions.”

For some, especially those that have experienced trauma, their window of tolerance may be smaller. Therefore, it can be difficult for them to stay in an optimal zone for emotional regulation. This means that a person is not as easily able to get grounded, and the perceived threat of a stressor consumes them so that they aren’t able to think as clearly. These stressors can cause an individual to leave their “window of tolerance” and find themselves in either hyper or hypo arousal.

Hyperarousal (aka the fight or flight response) symptoms include:

  • hypervigilance

  • anxiety

  • panic

  • anger

  • feeling overwhelmed

Hypoarousal (aka the freeze response) symptoms include:

  • emotional numbness

  • emptiness

  • feeling frozen

  • physically feeling shut down

Within our ideal window of tolerance, we feel calm, collected, connected to others, and able to work through emotions and stress.

Start observing how you handle stressful situations. Ask yourself, what is my window of tolerance? What happens when I’m outside of my window of tolerance?

Not only does learning about your window of tolerance help with your own individual wellbeing, it will help you learn to better respond and handle stressors in relationships as well. A counselor or therapist can help you to learn more about managing stress and increasing your window of tolerance. You can also try tools, such as mindfulness, to help you stretch your window of tolerance.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate