Feeling Disconnected When You’re Apart? | How Couples Communicate to Get Connected

 

How do you keep from feeling disconnected from your partner when the two of you are physically apart?

Relationships and marriages have their ups and downs – times when you feel close to your partner and times when you feel more distant. These feelings can be enhanced when you and your partner are unable to achieve or maintain physical proximity – such as when one of you is traveling or when one of you has to put in longer hours at work.

Furthermore, if you’re in a challenging phase of your relationship due to unexpected stresses, you may need extra support from your partner. Here, we discuss a few ideas to help you proactively take action to stay and feel connected while you’re apart.

Be open and communicate about feeling disconnected

Sometimes, there is a misalignment between when we feel connected or disconnected from our partner and when our partner feels connected or disconnected from us. If you’re away from home to take care of your mother who just had surgery, you may be so busy that you don’t even notice a disconnection, but your partner could be feeling very distant from you. If you’re starting to feel some distance growing for yourself, share this feeling with your partner, and encourage them to do the same.

How do we prevent disconnection from happening when we are physically separated?

To become aware of your own sense of connection, one question you can ask yourself is:

“In previous times when we’ve been apart, when have I felt the most connected to my partner?”

Examples of these moments could be:

  • when they sent good morning or good night texts

  • when they called to check in on your day or you did the same for them

  • when you shared that you missed them and they said they missed you too

  • when they asked to make a video call to wish you good luck on your big presentation at work

The potential for small moments like these are endless, and these types of moments will be unique to both you and your partner.

Before you’re apart, you and your partner could make a list of these types of moments and share them with each other. Commit to each other that you’ll implement one item from the other’s list each day you’re physically apart.  If you have conversations before you’re in different physical locations and too far down the road of disconnection, you’ll have a better chance of staving off more significant feelings of separateness.

Review what worked and what didn’t

After a period of time apart, have a discussion about what moments cultivated a sense of connection for each of you and plan to implement those efforts during future times you’re apart.

If disconnection is something that affects your relationship or marriage and you feel you could use a little extra help navigating the shift toward greater connection, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help. Reach out to find out more about if couples counseling is right for you.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

How to Overcome Gridlocked Conflict | Tips from an Austin Couples Therapist

 

In this final post of our blog series, we’ll explore gridlocked problems – types of perpetual problems that have the potential to cause real damage to your relationship. If you’re new to this series, go check out the previous posts on Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over and Over Again, 3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy, and Will Recurring Arguments Keep Us From Having a Happy Relationship?

We will use Scenario C from this series’ original post to explore how this couple might approach a perpetual problem that has turned gridlocked:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that perpetual problems can morph into gridlocked problems when a couple becomes frustrated with the repeated cycling of the same argument and they don’t see any progress towards a solution. Couples experience this type of argument in a particularly painful way since it is characteristically steeped with criticism and feelings of rejection by your partner. Kate and Danny’s scenario illustrates how their argument has turned into one where they both feel judged and rejected by each other.

The scenario notes that Kate voices her displeasure with Danny by calling him lazy and worthless; Danny responds by withdrawing, refusing to discuss the issue, and disconnecting from Kate – neither partner is making an effort to understand why the other has become so upset. In gridlocked problems, there are usually personal dreams of one or both partners that are being unfulfilled. Unless an effort is made to uncover these, no progress will be made to manage the disagreement.

So, how do they solve this issue? Each partner could explore any hidden dreams they have within the gridlocked conflict. Kate’s dream may be that she wants to feel prioritized in her relationship or that she wants to feel a sense of order at home. Danny’s dream may be to feel a consistent sense of autonomy in a relationship or feel that he’s able to relax and not have things look perfect. After exploring these dreams for themselves, Kate and Danny could then share these desires with each other, refraining from using criticism of each other’s deeper story. 

Since research shows that most of all marital problems are perpetual problems, meaning they will recur, even healthy relationships will experience the same arguments over and over again. I hope this series has helped to show you how to identify and manage solvable, perpetual, and gridlocked problems.

If you feel you and your partner could benefit from a little extra help navigating your own marital problems, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help. Your couples therapist can guide you in communicating and understanding one another on deeper levels to increase your connection for a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Will Recurring Arguments Keep Us From Having a Happy Relationship?

 

If you’re new to this blog series, go check out the previous posts on Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over and Over Again and 3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy. In those posts, we posed three questions, and this month, we’ll start to address the last of these questions.

Question 3: If we aren’t able to come to an agreement, will this keep us from having a happy relationship?

We will use Scenario B from last month’s post to explore how this couple might approach a perpetual (not gridlocked) problem:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that perpetual problems arise due to fundamental differences in you and your partner’s personalities or lifestyle needs. Kate and Danny’s situation illustrates one common perpetual issue – differences in how each partner views tidiness/messiness. 

The scenario notes that as soon as she and Danny started dating, Kate noticed that Danny was messier than she was. She also is aware that she has perfectionistic tendencies. Kate and Danny are fundamentally different when it comes to how they value neatness – these traits were there when they met, and they are unlikely to change without radical movement on one or both sides.

So, how do they solve this issue? 

Without changes to their personalities or values, a discrete solution isn’t easy to reach. They can, however, manage the issue by holding their differences loosely and inject humor or greater acceptance of their partner, while taking individual responsibility for the part of the dynamic that they control. Taking an active role in what they can control, versus trying to change their partner, can impact the couple’s ability to keep the perpetual problem from turning into a problem that is toxic and harmful to their connection. 

For example:

Kate could make a conscious effort to accept that Danny is inherently messier than she is, she could decrease the amount of harping she does about Danny’s lack of attention to order, or she could playfully joke about how different they are. 

Danny could hire someone to assist with the yard work, he could make more of an effort than he currently is on the yard, or he could also joke about how different they are. 

If Kate and Danny were to make small efforts on their part, they would move towards a more harmonious place where they essentially agree to disagree on how important the yard is. These options do not represent a distinct solution but, rather, a more manageable middle ground - a place where Kate and Danny can maintain their level of happiness within their partnership and not let the argument wound their relationship.

Next month, we’ll finish up this series by examining the scenario when this argument turns to a gridlocked problem – exactly the toxic, harmful version of perpetual problems that all couples want to avoid. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Finding Rituals and Routine to Feel Grounded During Transition

 

In the summer of 2020, I found myself feeling totally untethered. We were two months into the COVID-19 pandemic, the world was unrecognizable, and my entire counseling and therapy practice had moved online.

Pre-COVID, my day-to-day as a counselor was commuting to South Austin, grabbing lunch on the go, and meeting up with friends and family between engagements. So summer 2020, I found myself stuck in the lull of being at my house 24/7. An Enneagram 7’s nightmare.

This transition was rough. I spent my days alone at home and noticed myself feeling aimless, uncertain, and anxious. There was no end to this work from home in sight, so I needed to find something to ground me.

I knew from my work with my counseling clients that having a routine can help with both anxiety and depression. When we’re going through a major transition, routines and rituals can be extremely helpful. I also know that creating a routine when you are depressed can be challenging… so I implemented a few things.

My Daily Routine to Support Mental Health & Counter Depression

Wake Up

I started getting up at the same time each day, even if my meetings started a little later that day. Even if I just woke up and went and sat on the couch. I got out of bed and started my day.

Get Ready

I fixed my hair and makeup and put on real clothes, down to my shoes. Even If I didn’t plan to leave the house or have a client-facing counseling session, there was something grounding in me taking care of myself in this way. It’s not for everyone, but for me, when I look and feel put together, I feel my best. No one could see my shoes, but I felt better.

Make Your Bed

I made my bed. You hear this all the time, if you do one thing… make your bed! Even if your day ends up terrible, you still accomplished this, and you get into a nicely made bed that evening. 

Feel the Earth

I got outside for a few minutes each morning. Felt my feet on the earth, let the sun shine on my face, observed the birds, sat with my dog. There are countless benefits of vitamin D and grounding in the earth. We need to get out of our house! One of the first things I ask my clients when they report being overwhelmed or depressed is… “Have you been outside today?”

Transition out of Work Mode

Lastly, I changed my clothes after work to signal the transition to non-work mode. I no longer had the time during my typical commute to process my day, so this ritual helped me feel done with my day and able to leave all the energy behind.

The Importance of Ritual in Transition

All of these things I implemented became a daily ritual for me that helped me feel grounded and present for whatever the day brought me. It’s been over two years since I developed these rituals to help me cope with such a challenging transition period. They have become second nature to me and continue to help me feel grounded on a daily basis.

As I find myself in the last weeks of my pregnancy, preparing for what will most likely be the biggest transition I’ve experienced thus far, I intend to not only keep these in practice, but also implement new ideas to stay grounded and present during the next few weeks.

I’ll be working on some technology boundaries so I don’t end up in mindless scrolling or overstimulation from internet parenting advice. This might look like staying off my phone for a few hours in the morning, deleting Instagram for the first month, or sitting with my own intuition for 10 minutes before Googling something. I’ll also focus on routines that help me maintain a peaceful environment with minimal effort. I’ve already prepared by getting rid of a ton of extra stuff in my home that required management to make room for the new!

What daily rituals or routines help you feel grounded during transitions?

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, MA, LPC, LMFT

 

Understanding Your Negative Pattern: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

 

There are many reasons couples seek couples therapy. There may have been a shared loss, an increase in life stressors like welcoming a new baby, a betrayal, an increase in conflict, or overall disconnection with one another.

There are a variety of reasons people find themselves in my couples therapy room. Regardless of the presenting problem, as an Austin couples therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of my first tasks is to help my clients understand their negative cycle.

But let’s back up a little bit and first talk about attachment. As humans, we are hardwired to connect with others. We are born needing closeness, belonging, connection to our caregivers, and for our needs to be responded to. The way these needs are met or unmet is, in a nutshell, what we refer to as the attachment bond. 

While we develop and grow to be more independent and self-sufficient, the need for attachment bonds does not go away. We still seek closeness with others, and many find this bond through a love relationship. Within this bond, we hope to feel loved and understood, to share in meaningful experiences, and to be able to love and care for the other person. This bond becomes so important, and because it is so important, when there is emotional distance, a need is missed or you’re getting signals from your partner that your bond is threatened, a pattern of distress can emerge.

Most couples who experience conflict or difficult interactions will also notice that they follow a familiar and repetitive pattern - a negative cycle. They find themselves in this pattern over and over again. These are the interactions that feed off one another and lead to disconnection and conflict. Within these interactions, both partners are having an emotional response to the other person's way of coping with distress in the relationship.

It might look something like this…

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a model of couples therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, the first order of business is for the couple and therapist to get an idea of their unique negative cycle. It’s important to first map your cycle, understand your moves, your partner’s moves, and the emotions that trigger and keep the cycle going. Then you can slow down and choose a more successful path of communication where your message can not only be received but also digested and responded to.

Your EFT therapist will help you slow down and notice your emotional experience. What do you see that sets your “alarm bells” off? What happens inside for you? How do you make sense of what you see from your partner? What do you do next? How does your partner respond? And so on and so forth.

The Negative Cycle

When the negative cycle is alive between you and your partner, it’s moving VERY fast. Part of therapy is slowing this process WAY down and exploring each part of the cycle in a safe environment and in the care of a couples therapist. When you’re not caught in the cycle and have slowed down, you can process things from a less reactive and more receptive place, which means more space for new reactions and responses.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

 

Improve Your Communication by Learning to Regulate Your Nervous System

 

Imagine this scenario…

You receive exciting news of a promotion at work and are looking forward to sharing the news and excitement with your partner once you get home. You walk in the door so excited to share the news!

But when you see your partner, they are preoccupied and barely greet you. They let you know they can’t talk right now because they have a work deadline. Oh!... and “Can you cook dinner?” — They forgot to pick anything up. Suddenly you find yourself getting heated. You start yelling at your partner. You call them names and end up storming out.

Your relationship with the person you were so excited to share your news with is now in distress.

So, what may have happened here?

Let’s look at emotion dysregulation from the perspective of the nervous system (a.k.a., your body’s command center) and how it influences our social relationships.

The nervous system is constantly scanning the environment for both danger cues and safety cues. It speaks to us before our conscious mind does. As humans, we are hardwired to connect and communicate in order to feel safe. When we receive physiological cues that our relationship is in danger, we shift into an activated state where our capacity to listen or reason is compromised. Nervous system dysregulation can have a huge impact on communication with our partners and is often what leads couples into distressing fights.

In the example above, your partner’s preoccupied response sent your nervous system a danger cue — you perceived a message that you didn’t matter and that you couldn’t rely on your partner. These are terrible ways to feel about an important relationship. So what did you do with this cue? Your nervous system became dysregulated and you lashed out, expressing your hurt through anger, yelling, and leaving.

Sometimes, when dysregulated and out of sync with our partners, a great place to start is by getting in sync with ourselves. We need to move from danger to safety by working to actively regulate our nervous system.

Regulating our nervous system is beneficial for our individual wellbeing, as well as how we communicate, both verbally and nonverbally, with our partners. A regulated nervous system can help facilitate more mature, effective communication. When in a calm, clear, safe state, we can be more open and willing to hear our partner out, take a leap of faith, articulate our experience, speak from the now versus the hurt, and to fight more fairly.

There are multiple ways to regulate your nervous system, many of which stem from mindfulness practices. One fundamental practice is that of breathwork.

Here’s a simple mindful breathing practice to try:

  • Start with an inhale to a count of 3

  • Exhale to a count of 5, making your exhale longer than your inhale

  • Continue this breathing pattern…

  • Inhale… 1… 2… 3…

  • Exhale… 1… 2… 3… 4… 5…

  • After you’ve repeated this pattern a few times, try adding in a grounding component by gazing at your feet and speaking aloud, “I am here, grounded and safe.” 

The next time you begin to feel activated, ask yourself, “What is my physiological response right now? Is my nervous system dysregulated and in fight, flight, or freeze mode?” If the answer is yes, it’s time to try a regulation technique like mindful breathing.

Getting curious about your nervous system and befriending it can aid in this process of regulation. Creating rituals to support your nervous system is one way to make this a practice so you can have healthier communication in your relationships.

Check out the following resources for more info on nervous system regulation:

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Create Your 2022 Relationship Vision

 

What are your resolutions for the new year?

To get healthier, physically or mentally?

To better understand your finances and budget?

To keep a tidier home?

To finally make that career change?

Often, our New Year’s resolutions are for us as individuals — goals we set to work toward better versions of ourselves. When we talk about resolutions, we don’t often think about what we want for our marriages or relationships in the coming year.

Four years ago, we created an exercise at Austin Relational Wellness called the Relationship Vision Exercise. Since then, my husband and I have prioritized this exercise at the beginning of each new year. Not only does this help us to check-in surrounding shared goals, it has helped us actually take action on these goals. From saying “yes” to new experiences more often to actually sticking to a budget to prioritizing travel, we’ve actually seen meaningful results from this yearly practice.

For us, this exercise has turned into a yearly ritual of connection — something researchers and founders of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Julie & John Gottman, dub as an important part of creating shared meaning and a strong relationship. This ritual is important to us because it’s a time to reflect on our relationship, celebrate the wins, and brainstorm about changes we want to make.

Communication about our wants, needs, and goals helps us to be present and intentional in our marriage. It helps us know one another better and build what the Gottman’s call Love Maps. It also helps us prevent future issues or misalignments from cropping up. The more we discuss what we want ahead of time, the more we can work toward these things together versus getting frustrated with the other for not participating or sharing our vision.

This week, my partner and I will be creating our 2022 Relationship Vision, and I’d like to challenge you to do the same. Take some time to focus on your relational health and to have the conversation as a couple to plan for the rest of the year. Re-evaluate what you each want together and think about what you need to get there.

What are your goals?

What challenges might you face?

And how can you each contribute and support one another throughout the year?

It’s simple — all you have to do is download the worksheet below to help guide your conversation, set a time to meet with your partner, maybe grab a bottle of wine, and just dream a little together. The act of writing down your shared vision can also help hold you each accountable and is nice to revisit when you’re wondering about your progress. If you each approach it with openness, it should be a connecting, meaningful exercise that leaves you feeling energized and motivated.

We’d love to hear how your experience went! And of course, if one of your goals is to make your relationship or marriage more of a priority this year, reach out to us to inquire about our Austin couples therapy services.

Article by Hannah Eubank, MA, LPC, LMFT

 

3 Questions to Ask in Your Relationship

 

As humans, we are hardwired for connection. We seek closeness to others for intimacy, support, and to share in the ups and downs of life.

Attachment theory focuses on the relationship and bond between people, especially young children and their attachment figure. More recently, researchers have applied the science of early attachment to the bond between romantic partners. Through attachment research, we now know that the most important thing in relationships is emotional responsiveness.

As an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, I work with my clients to understand and reshape their communication so they can experience more successful vulnerability and safety in their relationship. One part of this is helping my clients understand how emotionally responsive they are to their partner.

In love relationships, we are constantly trying to gauge, “Are you there for me? Can I depend on you? Can I get you to respond to me?” We hope to feel loved, cared for, and understood. We want to know we can come to our partner in times of need. The repetition of feeling this way over time creates a secure bond between partners.

In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson captures the essence of emotional presence in the acronym A.R.E. - Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement. Sue asks, “A.R.E. you there for me?”

Accessibility

Accessibility means I can get your presence or support when needed. Can I get your attention if I try? Can I depend on you to be open to my feelings? Can I reach for you physically or emotionally?

Responsiveness

Responsiveness means I can get a response to my bids for attention and needs. Will you show me empathy? Will you respond to my feelings? Will you comfort me when needed?

Engagement

Engagement means you keep me close and see me as unique and special in your life. Will you let me come close to you? Will you be impacted by my emotions? Will you let me be there for you? Am I valued, and do I matter to you? Will you draw me close?

Consider how Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged you are with your partner. Emotional presence is one way to provide comfort and security. If you’re interested in more exercises to strengthen your emotional bond, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald is a great resource that you can work through at your own pace.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

 

The Importance of Play in Your Relationship

 
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What do you think of when you hear the word play?

The idea of play is often associated with children, but there is much value in bringing play into our adult lives and relationships. Play can be defined as - to take part in enjoyment, fun, and activity. Esther Perel, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, defines play as “the pleasure of being inventive, mischievous, imaginative, and trying something new.” 

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This leads us to the question — What are the benefits, and how can couples soften and get grounded through play?

Incorporating playfulness can have a positive impact on our wellbeing and relationships. Daily life is full of schedules, logistics, and productivity. Play itself isn’t result-oriented — the only goal is to experience pleasure. It gives us the opportunity to be present, loosen up the seriousness, and reconnect with ourselves and our partners. Other benefits include stress relief, improved brain function, increased energy, and stimulation of creativity.

Research also shows that play can ease conflict, bring security and connection to you and your partner, and be a way to punch through the hard times so you can get to the other side. According to research by psychologists and authors John and Julie Gottman, couples need a ratio of 5 good experiences to 1 negative experience. Play creates a more positive experience, which can balance the negative. A great way to increase the positive is to intentionally bring fun into your relationship. This creates a buffer for negativity and conflict… and can perhaps cut the tension in difficult moments. 

One way to channel play is to reflect on the spirit of a child — curious, carefree, and in the present moment. Some ways to increase play in your relationship include trying a new hobby like painting or boxing, eating your favorite popsicle like you did when you were younger, or dancing to music together. Find things that bring a smile to your face and make you giggle like a little kid. If you need some pointers, Esther Perel has a new card game to help people connect through play called the Where Should We Begin Game. 

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So, how are you going to play today?

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Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

 

Meet the Counselors | Sarah Imparato

 
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Meet Sarah!

Sarah is the newest addition to the Austin Relational Wellness team and an important part of our clients’ healing journeys. Sarah is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and provides counseling and therapy services for adult individuals and couples.

Journey as a Helping Professional

Since she was a young child, Sarah has had a natural ability for helping people. She recalls being in just 3rd grade and being asked to help classmates resolve an argument over playing with a Rubix cube. She also remembers learning from her grandmother, Chata, about Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning and being enthralled with movies such as Girl, Interrupted and A Beautiful Mind. Throughout her schooling, she volunteered with organizations such as Safe Place and local camps for children with Autism. All of these experiences nurtured her fascination with how things work and her passion for inspiring others to live meaningful lives.

The culmination of these experiences led her to pursue a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and to work with adult individuals and relationships. Previously, Sarah has served clients in school and community settings at Anderson High School and Capital Area Counseling. Sarah graduated from St. Edward’s University with a Master of Arts in Counseling.

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Sarah’s Counseling Services at Austin Relational Wellness

Sarah now serves as an individual therapist and couples counselor, where she helps people navigate various struggles, such as life transitions and relationship difficulties. She has come to deeply understand that each individual and relationship has a unique story. She finds great value in holding the container of compassion and understanding to help people feel seen, heard, and valued. In sessions, Sarah has a playful personality and sense of humor. She anchors clients in a way that allows them to be their most authentic selves and inspires them to grow toward where they want to go.

Outside of Counseling Sessions

When Sarah isn’t with clients, she cherishes quality time with friends, family, and her dog, Jackie O’. She enjoys playing sports and has learned a lot about mind-body connection through boxing and surfing. Sarah also understands the importance of mindfulness and subscribes to a balanced life of grounding work that includes mediation, journaling, and body work.

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Get in Touch

If you would like to learn more about how Sarah works or are interested in scheduling an appointment, reach out via the button below! Sarah offers a free 15-minute phone consultation for all potential new clients.