As humans, we are hardwired for connection. We seek closeness to others for intimacy, support, and to share in the ups and downs of life.

Attachment theory focuses on the relationship and bond between people, especially young children and their attachment figure. More recently, researchers have applied the science of early attachment to the bond between romantic partners. Through attachment research, we now know that the most important thing in relationships is emotional responsiveness.

As an Emotionally Focused couples therapist, I work with my clients to understand and reshape their communication so they can experience more successful vulnerability and safety in their relationship. One part of this is helping my clients understand how emotionally responsive they are to their partner.

In love relationships, we are constantly trying to gauge, “Are you there for me? Can I depend on you? Can I get you to respond to me?” We hope to feel loved, cared for, and understood. We want to know we can come to our partner in times of need. The repetition of feeling this way over time creates a secure bond between partners.

In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson captures the essence of emotional presence in the acronym A.R.E. - Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement. Sue asks, “A.R.E. you there for me?”

Accessibility

Accessibility means I can get your presence or support when needed. Can I get your attention if I try? Can I depend on you to be open to my feelings? Can I reach for you physically or emotionally?

Responsiveness

Responsiveness means I can get a response to my bids for attention and needs. Will you show me empathy? Will you respond to my feelings? Will you comfort me when needed?

Engagement

Engagement means you keep me close and see me as unique and special in your life. Will you let me come close to you? Will you be impacted by my emotions? Will you let me be there for you? Am I valued, and do I matter to you? Will you draw me close?

Consider how Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged you are with your partner. Emotional presence is one way to provide comfort and security. If you’re interested in more exercises to strengthen your emotional bond, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald is a great resource that you can work through at your own pace.