8 Self-Compassion Exercises for Critical Self-Talk

In my previous post, I talked about the importance of self-compassion in coping with symptoms of depression and anxiety. In this blog post, I will follow up with 8 self-compassion exercises prepared by local Austin, TX self-compassion researcher and writer, Kristin Neff. These exercises can help you learn to shift out of critical self-talk and increase your mental health. 

Exercise 1:  Talk to Yourself Like a You Would a Loved One

If your best friend was struggling, think about how you would respond… Compare this to your own self-talk. Have you ever found that what you say to yourself is much harsher than what you would say to a friend? For example: If you were late for work, you may say to yourself, “What is wrong with you, why can’t you be on time?”  If you were talking to a friend, perhaps you would say, “That’s ok, we are all human and make mistakes.”  It’s a simple shift, but try to talk to yourself as if you were speaking to someone else. 

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break 

This is like a pep talk or talking yourself off the ledge. Kristen Neff suggests

1. Acknowledge it hurts, that this is a moment of pain, and that is okay.

2. Accept and be open to validation that you aren’t alone in this suffering.

3. Ask yourself what you need with an affirmation to yourself such as, “May I be gentle with myself.” Then pause.

Exercise 3: Writing

Get a journal! There is a great deal of research and science-backed data on the benefits of journaling. You can journal when you find you are hard on yourself and need to reframe your self-talk with self-compassion. You may find that you start with negative journaling, but then work to reframe your writing with forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. 

Exercise 4: Touch 

Touch has the powerful impact of soothing us. You can activate this by co-regulating with your pet, getting a massage, or hugging a loved one. An exercise in intentional touch activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you regulate anxiety and return to safety in the present moment. And when we feel grounded in the moment, we are more likely to be nice to ourselves. What form of touch calms you?

Exercise 5: Reframe Your Critical Voice

Start by slowing down and being more aware of your internal self-critic. With more mindfulness and practice, this will become a habit. When you catch yourself saying something harsh to yourself, talk to yourself like a best friend and reframe it. For example, you can say, “There you go being hard on yourself. You don’t need to do that to yourself today. You did the best you could. You are safe and okay.” Less shame and “shoulds”, more your tenderness towards yourself. How can you warm your critical voice?

Exercise 6: Self-Compassion Journal

This exercise is similar to the writing exercise above, but it goes a layer deeper than the catharsis of the previous writing exercise. This self-compassion exercise prompts you to take a painful experience from your day and process using the 3 components of self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness

2. Common humanity

3. Self-kindness

This helps you learn how to see you aren’t alone in your suffering and flexes the self-compassion muscle of emotions and thoughts.

Exercise 7: Problem-Solve

Do you ever feel stuck and go down the shame spiral? If you know what you want, you can perhaps free yourself from the self-induced suffering.

1. Identify where self-criticism is your motivator - your body image, your finances?

2. Is there a kinder way you can motivate yourself? What is the most supportive thing you can say to yourself?

3. When you catch your self-criticism, pause, reframe, and be your own cheerleader.

Exercise 8: Caregiving the Caregivers

The saying goes, put your own oxygen mask on first. It is okay to set boundaries and recharge. You can say no to events and places. As you may help a child recharge, see how a nap and a soft blanket can be nourishing. Offer yourself the same opportunities to care for yourself and get cozy.

Whether you’re implementing self-compassion practices with guidance in individual counseling or on your own, exercises like these can be an important part in helping you live a healthy, fulfilling life with loving kindness towards yourself and others.

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Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Austin, TX Individual Counseling

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Finding Rituals and Routine to Feel Grounded During Transition

In the summer of 2020, I found myself feeling totally untethered. We were two months into the COVID-19 pandemic, the world was unrecognizable, and my entire counseling and therapy practice had moved online.

Pre-COVID, my day-to-day as a counselor was commuting to South Austin, grabbing lunch on the go, and meeting up with friends and family between engagements. So summer 2020, I found myself stuck in the lull of being at my house 24/7. An Enneagram 7’s nightmare.

This transition was rough. I spent my days alone at home and noticed myself feeling aimless, uncertain, and anxious. There was no end to this work from home in sight, so I needed to find something to ground me.

I knew from my work with my counseling clients that having a routine can help with both anxiety and depression. When we’re going through a major transition, routines and rituals can be extremely helpful. I also know that creating a routine when you are depressed can be challenging… so I implemented a few things.

My Daily Routine to Support Mental Health & Counter Depression

Wake Up

I started getting up at the same time each day, even if my meetings started a little later that day. Even if I just woke up and went and sat on the couch. I got out of bed and started my day.

Get Ready

I fixed my hair and makeup and put on real clothes, down to my shoes. Even If I didn’t plan to leave the house or have a client-facing counseling session, there was something grounding in me taking care of myself in this way. It’s not for everyone, but for me, when I look and feel put together, I feel my best. No one could see my shoes, but I felt better.

Make Your Bed

I made my bed. You hear this all the time, if you do one thing… make your bed! Even if your day ends up terrible, you still accomplished this, and you get into a nicely made bed that evening. 

Feel the Earth

I got outside for a few minutes each morning. Felt my feet on the earth, let the sun shine on my face, observed the birds, sat with my dog. There are countless benefits of vitamin D and grounding in the earth. We need to get out of our house! One of the first things I ask my clients when they report being overwhelmed or depressed is… “Have you been outside today?”

Transition out of Work Mode

Lastly, I changed my clothes after work to signal the transition to non-work mode. I no longer had the time during my typical commute to process my day, so this ritual helped me feel done with my day and able to leave all the energy behind.

The Importance of Ritual in Transition

All of these things I implemented became a daily ritual for me that helped me feel grounded and present for whatever the day brought me. It’s been over two years since I developed these rituals to help me cope with such a challenging transition period. They have become second nature to me and continue to help me feel grounded on a daily basis.

As I find myself in the last weeks of my pregnancy, preparing for what will most likely be the biggest transition I’ve experienced thus far, I intend to not only keep these in practice, but also implement new ideas to stay grounded and present during the next few weeks.

I’ll be working on some technology boundaries so I don’t end up in mindless scrolling or overstimulation from internet parenting advice. This might look like staying off my phone for a few hours in the morning, deleting Instagram for the first month, or sitting with my own intuition for 10 minutes before Googling something. I’ll also focus on routines that help me maintain a peaceful environment with minimal effort. I’ve already prepared by getting rid of a ton of extra stuff in my home that required management to make room for the new!

What daily rituals or routines help you feel grounded during transitions?

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Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, MA, LPC, LMFT

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Self-Compassion: A Useful Tool to Counter Anxiety and Depression

When your friend goes through a breakup, do you find yourself able to reassure them that it will all be okay?

Or when they call you embarrassed over something they did, are you able to see it from a different perspective and offer love and support? 

On the other hand, when you do something embarrassing yourself, you say to yourself, “How embarrassing, what is wrong with you?” Why do you offer compassion towards others and criticism towards yourself? For many individuals, this act of self-criticizing can contribute to depression, anxiety, and many other mental health difficulties.

Fortunately, there’s something you can do to counteract your inner critic. Let’s explore the concept of self-compassion. 

Kristen Neff, associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin's department of educational psychology, has heavily researched self-compassion and the power it has to support an individual in the process of getting unstuck and steering the brain away from criticism.

Self-compassion is noticing your suffering and offering yourself compassion as you would your best friend. Self-compassion is not high self-esteem or self-pity.

Neff states, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way [you would towards others] towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

Neff identifies 3 elements to self compassion:

1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment - offering self-kindness that is warm and understanding vs. self-judgment that is cold and critical

2. Common humanity vs. isolation - recognition that suffering is a natural part of the human experience and you aren’t alone in making mistakes or feeling uncomfortable feelings

3. Mindfulness vs. overidentification - acknowledgment and observance of your negative emotions rather than reactivity or suppression of the emotions

There are many self-compassion techniques that are similar to mindfulness techniques. Through her research, Neff found that the key is not to suppress the pain but to just be with it in acceptance. You can always start with a pressing exercise, to release the suffering and invite self-compassion. I like putting my hand over my heart and saying, “It’s okay… you are here now… you are human.”

It isn’t always easy to have compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with your mental health or experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety. In my next post, I will share 8 simple exercises you can do to practice self-compassion.

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Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

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How Stress Impacts Functioning: Understanding Your Window of Tolerance

What is something that pushes you past your emotional limit?

Is it being in a huge fight with your partner?

Feeling the pressure to perform from several people in your life?

Crowded and loud spaces?

Everyone has their own unique response to the stressors and demands of life. Stress is a huge part of what gets explored and worked through in individual counseling and couples therapy sessions.

Managing Stress

One way people are able to manage their stress and triggers is to first manage their emotions. We ideally want to stay in a place where we can still function well. Daniel Siegel has named this concept the “window of tolerance”. Siegel describes the window of tolerance as “The optimal zone of “arousal” for a person to function in everyday life. When a person is operating within this zone or window, they can effectively manage and cope with their emotions.”

For some, especially those that have experienced trauma, their window of tolerance may be smaller. Therefore, it can be difficult for them to stay in an optimal zone for emotional regulation. This means that a person is not as easily able to get grounded, and the perceived threat of a stressor consumes them so that they aren’t able to think as clearly. These stressors can cause an individual to leave their “window of tolerance” and find themselves in either hyper or hypo arousal.

Hyperarousal (aka the fight or flight response) symptoms include:

• hypervigilance

• anxiety

• panic

• anger

• feeling overwhelmed

Hypoarousal (aka the freeze response) symptoms include:

• emotional numbness

• emptiness

• feeling frozen

• physically feeling shut down

Within our ideal window of tolerance, we feel calm, collected, connected to others, and able to work through emotions and stress.

Start observing how you handle stressful situations. Ask yourself, what is my window of tolerance? What happens when I’m outside of my window of tolerance?

Not only does learning about your window of tolerance help with your own individual wellbeing, it will help you learn to better respond and handle stressors in relationships as well. A counselor or therapist can help you to learn more about managing stress and increasing your window of tolerance. You can also try tools, such as mindfulness, to help you stretch your window of tolerance.

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Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

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Meet the Counselors | Sarah Imparato

Meet Sarah!

Sarah is the newest addition to the Austin Relational Wellness team and an important part of our clients’ healing journeys. Sarah is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and provides counseling and therapy services for adult individuals and couples.

Journey as a Helping Professional

Since she was a young child, Sarah has had a natural ability for helping people. She recalls being in just 3rd grade and being asked to help classmates resolve an argument over playing with a Rubix cube. She also remembers learning from her grandmother, Chata, about Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning and being enthralled with movies such as Girl, Interrupted and A Beautiful Mind. Throughout her schooling, she volunteered with organizations such as Safe Place and local camps for children with Autism. All of these experiences nurtured her fascination with how things work and her passion for inspiring others to live meaningful lives.

The culmination of these experiences led her to pursue a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and to work with adult individuals and relationships. Previously, Sarah has served clients in school and community settings at Anderson High School and Capital Area Counseling. Sarah graduated from St. Edward’s University with a Master of Arts in Counseling.

Sarah’s Counseling Services at Austin Relational Wellness

Sarah now serves as an individual therapist and couples counselor, where she helps people navigate various struggles, such as life transitions and relationship difficulties. She has come to deeply understand that each individual and relationship has a unique story. She finds great value in holding the container of compassion and understanding to help people feel seen, heard, and valued. In sessions, Sarah has a playful personality and sense of humor. She anchors clients in a way that allows them to be their most authentic selves and inspires them to grow toward where they want to go.

Outside of Counseling Sessions

When Sarah isn’t with clients, she cherishes quality time with friends, family, and her dog, Jackie O’. She enjoys playing sports and has learned a lot about mind-body connection through boxing and surfing. Sarah also understands the importance of mindfulness and subscribes to a balanced life of grounding work that includes mediation, journaling, and body work.

Get in Touch

If you would like to learn more about how Sarah works or are interested in scheduling an appointment, reach out via the button below! Sarah offers a free 15-minute phone consultation for all potential new clients.

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8 Reasons to Go to Counseling

There are many reasons people seek out counseling. Some use counseling to process relationship issues or to heal after a painful divorce or breakup. Some start counseling when they’re experiencing anxiety that’s interfering with their job or challenging relationships. Many people go when their self-esteem is low and they wish to get to a more confident place, while others turn to counseling when they are stressed and overwhelmed or are working through grief after a significant loss.

Struggles and rough patches in life are inevitable, and there are times where seeking the help of a licensed counselor can help you through a difficult time. We’ve talked about some of the life events that lead people to seek help, but how do you know it’s time to make a counseling appointment?

Here are a few reasons you might seek counseling.

1) You feel stuck

Oh, that dreaded stuck feeling! When you feel stuck, it can feel hopeless... like no matter what you try, it will never change, and things will never get better. Or there may be times you’re “stuck” and know what you need to do, but you’re having a hard time motivating yourself or staying accountable.

2) You feel disconnected from others around you

Humans are social creatures that are hardwired to be in relationship with others, which is why isolation and feeling disconnected can take a toll on our overall wellbeing. This might also show up as a lack of interest in hanging with friends or no longer enjoying the activities you typically like.

3) You’ve been talking a problem in circles with your family and friends

The support of close family and friends is a huge benefit, and it’s important to have a support system you can lean on when you need it. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a neutral party, like a skilled counselor, help you through the difficult times of life.

4) People in your life like to tell you what you should do

We love a good support system! But sometimes it can be difficult for our loved ones to watch us struggle through a rough patch. People have a natural inclination to show they care by minimizing pain and trying to fix it or make it better. While full of good intentions, this unsolicited advice can be unhelpful to our own process.

5) It feels like you’re not measuring up

In the world of Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook, social comparison is hard to avoid, and it can be easy to slip into an unhealthy pattern. Counseling is a good place to process what this brings up for you to help you keep a healthy mindset to get you where you want to be.

6) Your self-talk is critical and negative

Take a minute to check in with the voice in your head. What are you saying to yourself? How does this voice sound? Oftentimes our internal critics can be much harder on us than we would ever be on someone else. Sometimes working with a counselor to explore and change your negative and critical self-talk is the first step towards growth.

7) You’re experiencing unexplained physical symptoms like headaches, stomach problems, or sleep difficulties

More and more, we’re understanding the connection between our emotions and our bodies. Emotional stress can manifest in a number of ways, and sometimes this can include physical ailments. When something doesn’t feel right in your body, and you’ve ruled out a medical condition, it might be time to check in on your emotional stress levels.

8) You’re self-medicating with alcohol or drugs

When times get tough, we might notice an increase in substance use. If you’re turning to drugs or alcohol to numb emotional pain or issues, counseling can help you find healthier ways to cope.

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What are some of the reasons you’ve found yourself in counseling?

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