You’re Saying Sorry the Wrong Way: A Therapist’s Guide to Real Apologies

 

As a licensed couples therapist in Austin, one of the most common hurdles we tackle in couples therapy and that I see in relationships in general is the struggle to offer—and receive—a genuine, real apology. Maybe you’ve been there: You or your partner says “sorry,” but the tension doesn’t go away. Or you hear an apology that somehow leaves you feeling even less understood.

You wonder, Why doesn’t that count? Isn’t saying sorry enough?

For many people, the act of apologizing feels vulnerable, confusing, or even threatening. Maybe you didn’t grow up seeing healthy apologies modeled in the relationships or marriages around you. Maybe you equate apologizing with admitting you're a bad person. Or maybe you're not sure what a real apology is supposed to sound like. 

Let’s break down what an effective apology is (and isn’t), and walk through some practical tips on how to apologize in a relationship the right way—so your words can actually foster healing, reconnection, and emotional intimacy.

1. Start With Clear, Direct Responsibility 

An effective apology names what happened—clearly and without defensiveness. 

Example: “I snapped at you during our conversation, and I can see that it hurt you.” 

Not: “I’m sorry if I upset you.” 

That little word “if” can make your partner feel like their reaction is the problem. When in doubt, drop qualifiers and name your behavior. 

2. Acknowledge the Emotional Impact with Empathy

Take a moment to reflect on how your actions made your partner feel. Then say it out loud.

Example: “I imagine it felt really invalidating when I dismissed your concerns.” 

This shows that you’re not just checking a box—you’re tapping into empathy and trying to understand their experience. This deepens emotional intimacy and helps your partner feel understood.

3. Avoid Defensiveness and Excuses 

It’s tempting to justify your actions, especially if you didn’t mean to hurt your partner. But remember: intent does not cancel out impact. 

Example: “Even though I was feeling overwhelmed, it wasn’t okay to take it out on you.” 

Not: “I was just stressed. You were being really intense.” 

Responsibility and context can co-exist. A good apology owns what happened and saves the explanation for later, if your partner asks for it. 

4. Express Genuine Regret 

Let your partner know that you care about the hurt your actions caused—not just that it caused conflict, but that it hurt them personally. 

Example: “It really bothers me to know that I made you feel alone. That’s the last thing I want.”

This is the emotional glue of a meaningful apology. It fosters connection and helps rebuild emotional intimacy and safety.

5. Commit to Change 

Even the most heartfelt apology will fall flat if the behavior keeps repeating. Talk about what you’ll do differently next time. 

Example: “Next time I feel overwhelmed, I’ll ask for a break instead of shutting down.” 

You don’t have to be perfect, but effort matters. Apologies create trust when they’re backed by action. That’s the core of true relationship repair.

6. Give Your Partner Space to Respond 

A good apology is not a monologue—it’s the start of a dialogue. After you’ve apologized, give your partner a chance to express how they feel. Don’t rush to move on or expect instant forgiveness. 

Example: “Is there anything else you want me to understand?”

TL;DR: How to Apologize in a Relationship the Right Way

An effective apology has five key ingredients: 

  1. Clarity – State what you did. 

  2. Empathy – Acknowledge the hurt. 

  3. Ownership – No excuses or blame. 

  4. Regret – Show you care about the impact. 

  5. Repair – Commit to doing better. 

A real apology isn’t just about saying the words—it’s about taking ownership, showing empathy, and making the other person feel seen and valued. Sincere apologies don’t just fix problems—they build emotional intimacy.

They say: I see you. I hear you. You matter to me. 

If you or your partner struggle with apologies or with communication in general, couples therapy can be a safe space to explore these patterns and build new ones.

Looking for Austin couples therapy? We're here to help you reconnect.

 

What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session in Austin

 

Deciding to begin couples therapy is a big step—one that takes courage, commitment, and a shared desire for growth. Whether you and your partner are facing a specific challenge or simply want to strengthen your relationship, that first therapy session can feel like a mix of hope and uncertainty. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I want to help you feel prepared and confident about what to expect during your first couples therapy session. 

What Happens in Your First Couples Therapy Session 

Your initial session serves as a foundation for your therapy journey. It’s an opportunity for you, your partner, and your therapist to establish trust, set expectations, and begin to understand the dynamics of your relationship. Here’s what typically happens: 

1. Introductions and Creating a Safe Space 

Your therapist will begin by introducing themselves and outlining their approach to therapy. They will also discuss confidentiality and how therapy sessions will be conducted. The goal is to create a safe and supportive environment where both partners feel heard and respected. 

2. Understanding Your Relationship Story 

Your therapist will ask questions about your relationship history—how you met, significant milestones, and what has brought you to therapy at this time. This helps the therapist get a sense of your dynamic, strengths, and challenges. 

3. Identifying Your Therapy Goals

Together, you and your partner will discuss what you hope to gain from therapy. Are you looking to improve communication? Rebuild trust? Strengthen intimacy? Understanding your couples therapy goals helps the therapist tailor the sessions to your unique needs. 

4. Establishing a Plan for Future Sessions 

Before wrapping up, your therapist will discuss the structure of future sessions and what you can expect moving forward. This may include setting up a schedule for sessions, discussing the couples therapist's therapeutic approach, and outlining strategies to work on between sessions. The goal is to ensure both partners feel comfortable and committed to the process. 

Common Concerns About Starting Couples Therapy

It’s natural to have concerns before starting therapy. Here are a few common ones: 

● What if we disagree during the session? That’s okay! The therapist is there to help navigate conflicts in a productive way. 

● Will the therapist take sides? No. A licensed couples therapist remains neutral, ensuring both partners feel validated and heard. 

● What if one of us is hesitant about therapy? It’s common for one partner to be more eager than the other. The therapist will work to create a comfortable space for both of you to engage in the process at your own pace. 

Moving Forward Together: Next Steps After Your First Couples Therapy Session

The first session is just the beginning. Couples therapy is a journey that takes time, effort, and patience. With an open mind and a willingness to grow, you and your partner can create a stronger, healthier relationship. 

If you’re considering couples therapy, I encourage you to take that first step with curiosity and hope. The path to deeper connection starts with one conversation at a time.