How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Strengthens Relationships: Applying Attachment Theory to Couples Therapy

 

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a type of therapy that focuses on helping individuals and couples understand and regulate their emotions to improve their relationships. EFT is a couples therapy model developed by psychologists Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the 1980s. The model draws on attachment theory, which suggests humans have an innate need for connection and emotional bonding with others.

More about Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how humans form emotional bonds with others, especially during early childhood. British psychoanalyst, John Bowlby, developed the theory in the 1950s, and other researchers, such as Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, have since expanded upon it.

The basic premise of attachment theory is that humans have an innate need for emotional bonding and security. These needs are met through close relationships with caregivers, such as parents or other primary caregivers. Bowlby believed that infants and young children develop an internal working model based on their experiences with their caregivers and that this model shapes their future relationships and behaviors.

Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers can shape an individual's attachment style and that attachment styles can change over time based on new relationship experiences. Understanding attachment theory can help build stronger relationships and improve emotional regulation and communication skills.

EFT & Attachment Theory

In EFT, couples therapists work with clients to identify and express their emotions and needs in a safe and supportive environment. Through this process, clients can gain a deeper understanding of their own emotions and their partner's, leading to increased empathy and intimacy in the relationship.

EFT is shown to be effective for a variety of relationship problems, including communication difficulties, conflict, infidelity, affair recovery, disconnection, and emotional distance. EFT has also been used to treat individual issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

How is EFT Different from other Couples Therapy Models

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) differs from other couples therapy models in several ways. Here are some of the main differences:

  1. Focus on emotions: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and how they impact relationships. An EFT couples therapist helps clients identify and express their emotions in a safe and supportive environment, which can lead to deeper understanding and connection with their partners.

  2. Attachment-based: EFT is based on attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of emotional bonding and security in relationships. EFT couples therapists help clients to identify their attachment styles and work to strengthen their emotional bonds with their partners.

  3. Short-term: EFT is typically a short-term couples therapy that involves between 8 and 20 sessions. The focus is on addressing the immediate issues in the relationship and helping clients to develop skills that they can use outside of couples therapy.

  4. Structured approach: EFT is a structured approach that involves specific steps and interventions. The couples therapist helps clients to identify negative patterns in their relationship and works to replace them with more positive and adaptive patterns.

  5. Involvement of the partner: EFT involves the partner in the couples therapy process, rather than just focusing on the individual. The therapist works to create a safe and supportive environment for both partners to express their emotions and needs.

Overall, EFT is a highly effective model of couples therapy and individual therapy that has been shown to be successful in treating a wide range of relationship issues. Its focus on emotions, attachment, and structured approach make it a unique and valuable tool for couples seeking to improve their relationships.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

The Atone Phase: The Essential First Step in Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

In my first post in this series regarding the Gottman Method Couples Therapy affair recovery model (aka, Gottman Trust Revival Method), I discussed an overview of this structured approach, designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples heal from the deep wounds inflicted by infidelity. In this second blog post in this series, I will delve into the first crucial couples therapy for affair recovery phase: Atone. Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling shattered and the unfaithful partner engulfed in guilt and shame. The Atone phase is designed to address these intense emotions, setting the stage for genuine healing and reconciliation. Let’s explore what this phase entails and why it’s essential for your journey towards recovery. 

Understanding the Atone Phase in the Gottman Method for Affair Recovery

The Atone phase is all about addressing the immediate emotional fallout of the affair. This phase is critical as it sets the foundation for the healing process. Here’s what you can expect in this phase:

Key Components of the Atone Phase 

  1. Acknowledgment and Responsibility: The first step in atonement is for the unfaithful partner to fully acknowledge the affair and take responsibility for their actions. This means no excuses, no blame-shifting, and no minimizing the impact of the betrayal. Genuine acknowledgment shows the betrayed partner that their pain is seen and validated. 

  2. Expressing Remorse and Apology: A heartfelt apology goes beyond simply saying “I’m sorry.” It involves expressing genuine remorse and understanding the depth of the hurt caused. This includes acknowledging specific ways the affair has affected the betrayed partner emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. 

  3. Open and Honest Communication: Transparency is crucial in this phase. The unfaithful partner must be willing to answer questions and provide details about the affair to help the betrayed partner make sense of what happened. This can be an incredibly painful process but is necessary for rebuilding trust. 

  4. Empathy and Understanding: Empathy involves truly listening to the betrayed partner’s feelings and showing a deep understanding of their pain. It’s important for the unfaithful partner to recognize and validate these feelings without becoming defensive or dismissive. 

  5. Setting Boundaries and Creating Safety: To begin rebuilding trust, both partners must agree on clear boundaries and actions to ensure the affair is truly over and will not happen again. This might include transparency with phones and social media, regular check-ins, and agreeing to avoid situations that might lead to temptation. 

The Role of the Betrayed Partner 

While the primary focus of the Atone phase is on the actions of the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner also has a crucial role. It’s important to express your feelings and needs clearly, ask questions, and seek the reassurance necessary for your healing. However, it’s equally vital to recognize that immediate forgiveness is not a requirement at this stage. Healing takes time, and the atone phase is just the beginning. 

The atone phase is a challenging yet vital part of the affair recovery journey. It requires immense courage and vulnerability from both partners. By fully engaging in this phase, you lay the groundwork for the subsequent phases: Attune and Attach, where deeper emotional healing and reconnection will occur. 

If you’re considering starting couples therapy for affair recovery, know that you’re taking a brave step toward healing. The road may feel long and tough, but with the right guidance and commitment, affair recovery and even a renewed relationship are possible. Reach out to me today to schedule a free phone consultation and get started on your healing journey.

 

6 Strategies to Help Couples Navigate Life Transitions as a Team

 

Major life transitions, such as moving to a new city, having a baby, or changing careers, can bring about significant changes in a couple's dynamic. While these transitions can be exciting, they can also be challenging and stressful. In this blog post, we'll explore strategies for couples to support each other during these significant changes and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Understanding Major Life Transitions

Common Types of Life Transitions

    • Relocation: Moving to a new home or city

    • Career Changes: Starting a new job or business, changing careers, or going back to school

    • Family Changes: Getting married, having a baby, dealing with a family illness, or caring for aging parents

    • Financial Changes: Significant changes in income, such as a job loss or major investment

Common Challenges for Couples Experiencing Life Transitions

    • Stress and Anxiety: Uncertainty and fear of the unknown

    • Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings and lack of communication

    • Different Coping Mechanisms: Each partner may handle stress differently

Strategies for Navigating Life Transitions

  1. Open Communication

    • Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to talk about each partner’s feelings, needs, concerns, and expectations.

    • Active Listening: Listen to each other without interrupting and validate each other’s feelings.

    • Transparency: Be honest about your needs and worries.

    • Refrain from Criticizing: Transitions are difficult enough. Focus on your partner’s positive qualities and refrain from criticizing during conversations.

    • Check your Defensiveness: With increased stress and anxiety, it’s easy to be defensive and blaming. Manage your defensiveness and own your part to help conversations go more smoothly.

  2. Set Realistic Expectations

    • Manage Expectations: Understand that things might not go as planned and be prepared to adapt.

    • Be Patient: Allow time for adjustment, and don’t rush the process.

  3. Work as a Team

    • Share Responsibilities: Divide tasks and support each other in managing the workload.

    • Problem-Solve Together: Approach challenges as a team rather than individually.

  4. Seek Support

    • Professional Help: Consider seeing a couples therapist to help navigate the transition.

    • Support Networks: Lean on friends and family for additional support.

  5. Self-Care and Mutual Care

    • Personal Well-being: Take time for self-care activities to reduce stress.

    • Quality Time Together: Spend time doing enjoyable activities to strengthen your bond.

  6. Celebrate Milestones

    • Acknowledge Progress: Celebrate small wins and progress in your journey.

    • Create Positive Memories: Focus on creating positive experiences together.

Navigating these transitions alone can be overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. The strategies outlined may seem simple, but they can be difficult to implement when you’re in the midst of stress, anxiety, and communication difficulties. Our couples therapy services are designed to help you and your partner manage these changes and come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re facing a significant life transition and need support, contact us today to schedule a free consultation for Austin couples therapy and take the first step toward a healthier, happier relationship. Let us help you turn these challenges into opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

 

The Three Phases of Affair Recovery in the Gottman Method

 

Infidelity can feel like a betrayal like no other, leaving both partners in a relationship reeling with pain, confusion, and distrust. As a couples therapist, I've seen the devastation and the pain that an affair can cause, but I've also witnessed the remarkable resilience and healing that can emerge from these impossible hard times. The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, offers a structured and compassionate approach to navigating affair recovery. In this Intro post to this blog series, I'll state the three phases of affair recovery according to the Gottman Method, providing you with key components of what is explored and addressed in each of the different phases of affair recovery.

Phase 1: Atonement

Understanding the Wound

The first phase of affair recovery is Atonement, where the primary focus is on understanding and addressing the profound wound caused by the affair. During this phase, the unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for their actions, express genuine remorse, and work to rebuild trust. Here are some key components of this phase:

  • Honesty and Transparency: The unfaithful partner needs to be completely honest about the affair, answering any questions their partner may have. Transparency about past actions and current behaviors is crucial in rebuilding trust.

  • Validation of Pain: The betrayed partner's feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal must be validated. It's essential for the unfaithful partner to listen empathetically and acknowledge the depth of the pain they've caused.

  • Expressing Remorse: Sincere apologies and expressions of regret are vital. The unfaithful partner should show through words and actions that they understand the gravity of their betrayal and are committed to making amends.

During this phase, couples may often experience intense emotions and difficult conversations. As a couples therapist, my role is to facilitate these conversations, ensuring both partners feel heard and understood.

Phase 2: Attunement

Rebuilding Connection

Once the initial pain has been addressed and the unfaithful partner has taken responsibility, the couple can move into the Attunement phase. This phase focuses on rebuilding emotional connection and intimacy. Here are some factors that could be addressed during this phase:

  • Open Communication: Couples learn to communicate more effectively, expressing their needs, fears, and desires without blame or defensiveness. This helps in re-establishing a sense of safety and closeness.

  • Emotional Attunement: Partners work on becoming more attuned to each other’s emotional states. This involves recognizing and responding to each other’s emotional cues, fostering a deeper emotional bond.

  • Conflict Resolution: Learning healthy ways to handle conflicts is crucial. The Gottman Method emphasizes techniques such as gentle start-ups, accepting influence, and making effective repairs after disagreements.

  • Rebuilding Trust: Trust is rebuilt through consistent, trustworthy behavior. The partner who had the affair needs to be transparent and reliable, while the betrayed partner works on slowly opening up to trust again.

During the Attunement phase, couples often begin to see glimpses of hope and start to reconnect on an emotional level. It's a time of gradual healing, where the relationship starts to feel safer and more supportive.

Phase 3: Attachment

Creating a New Future Together

The final phase of affair recovery is Attachment, where the couple focuses on strengthening their bond and building a new, healthier relationship. This phase involves:

  • Shared Goals and Dreams: Couples explore their hopes and dreams for the future, setting shared goals that give their relationship direction and purpose.

  • Rituals of Connection: Establishing new rituals for connection helps maintain the bond. This can include regular date nights, shared hobbies, or daily check-ins to stay emotionally connected.

  • Continued Growth: Affair recovery is an ongoing process. Couples commit to continuous growth, both individually and as a couple, seeking to improve their relationship dynamics and maintain their connection.

In this last phase, couples often find a renewed sense of partnership and commitment. They have moved beyond the pain of the affair and are now focused on building a future together, fortified by the hard work they’ve done to repair their relationship.

Recovering from an affair is undeniably challenging, but it is possible. The Gottman Method provides a structured and compassionate approach to help couples navigate this journey. Each phase of recovery—atonement, attunement, and attachment—plays a crucial role in rebuilding trust, deepening connection, and creating a resilient and fulfilling relationship.

 

Healthy Boundary Setting: Understanding the Difference Between Boundaries and Control

 

In the realm of mental health, personal relationships, and couples therapy, the concepts of boundaries and control are often misunderstood. For those new to the idea of setting boundaries, it's crucial to understand what healthy boundaries are and how to display and communicate boundaries properly. One should also be aware that boundaries are not meant to control another person's behavior.

As previously mentioned in my last blog post in this series, I discussed the do’s and don’ts of boundary setting. In this third and final blog post of my boundary series, I will provide examples of what a boundary might look like in practice versus what a non-boundary (aka, controlling behavior) might look like. My overall hope is that this blog post can be used as a guide to clarify these concepts and provide practical tips for establishing boundaries without crossing into control. Understanding this difference is key to maintaining healthy relationships.

Example 1: Privacy in a Relationship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I value my personal space and privacy. I would appreciate it if we could discuss and agree on boundaries regarding sharing our personal information and giving each other space when needed." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't have any private conversations with your friends without letting me know every detail. I need to have access to your phone and messages to make sure nothing is going on." 

Example 2: Time Management in a Friendship 

  • Boundary Setting: "I have a busy schedule, and I need to prioritize certain commitments. I hope you understand that there may be times when I need to decline social invitations. Let's work together to find a balance that works for both of us." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You're not allowed to make plans with anyone else if I'm available. I want you to prioritize our friendship over other relationships or activities." 

Example 3: Workplace Collaboration 

  • Boundary Setting: "I prefer to receive feedback in a private setting rather than in front of the entire team. It helps me process the information more effectively, and I feel I'm more open to constructive criticism that way." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "You can't give any feedback about my work without discussing it with me first. I need to approve any comments or suggestions you have before sharing them with others." 

Example 4: Family Finances

  • Boundary Setting: "Let's create a budget together so we can manage our finances more effectively. I would like us to agree on spending limits for discretionary expenses to ensure we are on the same page." 

  • Controlling Behavior: "I will be in charge of all the finances, and you need to consult me before making any purchases, no matter how small. I will monitor all transactions to make sure you're following my rules."

In each of these examples, the boundary-setting approach emphasizes personal needs, open communication, and collaboration, essential elements often explored in couples therapy. In contrast, the non-boundary approach involves dictating specific behaviors and limiting the other person's autonomy, which could be viewed as trying to control someone’s behavior. It's important to remember that when boundaries are communicated appropriately, they can promote mutual understanding and respect in a relationship. Whereas trying to control someone's behavior can lead to tension and strain in a relationship.

Need help with healthy boundary setting? Both couples therapy and individual therapy can be avenues for learning how to identify your needs and communicate your boundaries. Reach out today to get started.

 

5 Reasons Couples Begin Couples Therapy

 

Considering the idea of couples therapy or marriage counseling to help navigate through the difficulties of your relationship may stir up feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. However, it's important to recognize that couples therapy is not a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble or on its way to failure. Instead, it can be a powerful tool for growth, understanding, and building a stronger foundation for your relationship. In this blog post, we'll explore reasons why couples might consider beginning couples therapy and how it can be beneficial for relationships.

1. Gain better communication skills 

One of the most common reasons couples might begin couples therapy is to address communication challenges. Many couples find themselves struggling with how to communicate with their partner in a beneficial way. Couples therapy is a great resource when exploring an issue like communication. A couples therapist can provide a neutral and supportive space for couples to learn effective communication strategies, express their needs, and better understand one another. 

2. Conflict resolution 

Every relationship encounters conflicts, but when disagreements becomerepetitive or escalate into frequent arguments, it can significantly impact arelationship and the bond between partners. Couples therapy equips coupleswith tools to navigate disagreements in a more constructive way. Couplestherapists often guide couples through conflict resolution techniques that promotehaving a better understanding of one another and finding beneficial and effectivesolutions to conflict.

3. Increase intimacy & build a deeper emotional connection

Another reason couples might begin couples therapy is to build a deeper connection with one another. As relationships evolve, couples might find themselves feeling disconnected or lacking emotional intimacy. Couples therapy is a great way for couples to explore these challenges and help couples reconnect. 

4. Navigate life transitions & stressors 

A couple might look into beginning couples therapy when undergoing a life transition. Life is full of transitions, from job changes to moving to welcoming a newborn to becoming empty nesters. These changes can add stress to a relationship. Couples therapy provides a supportive environment to navigate these challenges, offering coping strategies and helping couples adapt to their new circumstances. 

5. Direction after a breach of trust 

Trust is one of the most important components in any relationship, and when it's broken, rebuilding it can be a complex and delicate process. Whether it's infidelity or another kind of breach of trust, such as lies or betrayal, these things can destroy trust, often leaving couples feeling shattered and uncertain about the future. Couples therapy offers a structured environment for rebuilding and repairing the trust that has been broken. Couples therapists can guide couples through the process of forgiveness, healing, and establishing new patterns of trust.

Choosing to begin couples therapy is a courageous first step toward growth and healing. It requires vulnerability, commitment, and a willingness to explore the dynamics of your relationship. Whether you're facing communication challenges, conflicts, intimacy issues, life transitions, or trust issues, seeking help from a couples therapist can help provide couples with the tools and insights needed for growth and positive transformation.

 

4 Myths About Couples Therapy for Affair Recovery

 

Affairs can be devastating to a relationship, shaking the foundation on which a couple has built. The aftermath of an affair is often filled with emotional turmoil, mistrust, and a sense of betrayal. Considering addressing the aftermath of an affair in couples therapy can feel very daunting. As a couples therapist, I often encounter couples who harbor fears about seeking help for the aftermath of an affair. In this blog post, my hope is to dispute common myths surrounding infidelity in couples therapy and provide reassurance and guidance for those thinking about couples therapy for affair recovery or infidelity recovery.

Myth #1: The Role of the Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Assign Blame

One myth, and a significant fear for many couples, is that the role of the couples therapist will focus on assigning blame to one partner. Couples therapists work towards fostering open communication and facilitating a deeper understanding of each partner's needs and concerns. Blaming one partner for the affair would be very unhelpful and could potentially harm the therapeutic process. Both individuals play a role in the healing process, and couples therapy aims to create a supportive environment for both partners to express themselves.

Myth #2: Seeking Couples Therapy For Affair Recovery Should Only Be A Last Resort 

Only utilizing couples therapy as a last resort is a misconception. Oftentimes, couples feel that their only option is to get through the aftermath of an affair alone, which can cause even more added stress to a very delicate and challenging situation. Seeking couples therapy early on after infidelity or an affair is discovered can help the couple feel supported and that they do not have to navigate this alone. Therapists are equipped with the skills and tools to guide couples through the challenges of affair recovery - rebuilding trust, fostering communication, and repairing the relationship after an affair happens.

Myth #3: The Role Of A Couples Therapist In Affair Recovery Is To Only Focus On The Partner Who Was Involved In An Affair 

Some couples may fear that therapy will solely focus on the partner who had the affair. In reality, effective couples therapy for affair recovery involves addressing the needs and emotions of both partners. Couples therapists strive to create a balanced approach, ensuring that each individual's experiences are acknowledged and that each partner feels heard and validated through this process.

Myth #4: Couples Will Be Able To See Immediate Resolution With Just A Few Sessions 

Expecting to see an immediate resolution is another misconception about couples therapy for affair recovery. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a gradual process that requires time, patience, and commitment from both partners. Therapy provides a structured and supportive environment, but it does not offer a quick fix. Couples should be prepared to invest time and effort when working towards infidelity recovery or affair recovery.

Infidelity is undoubtedly a delicate and challenging topic for couples to navigate. However, addressing these myths about affair recovery in couples therapy can help alleviate fears and encourage couples to seek the support they need when thinking about seeking couples therapy for affair recovery.

 

Four Behaviors in a Marriage that Predict Divorce: Gottman’s Four Horsemen

 

In the book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, the authors discuss Dr. Gottman’s "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are communication patterns that, if present, can indicate significant relational distress and can even be a strong indicator to predict a breakup or divorce. If any of these patterns show up during interactions with your partner, pay attention and take action. Learn to identify, understand, and fix these dynamics so that you can improve your relationship or marriage (and even save it!).

What are The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

  1. Criticism

    Criticism represents a destructive communication style where one partner attacks the other's character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior or situation. Instead of addressing the specific behavior, one partner generalizes the other’s faults or blames the other partner.

  2. Contempt

    Contempt shows up when one partner expresses an attitude of superiority and disrespect towards the other partner, which is often seen through sarcasm or name-calling. This can include physical eye-rolling or making comments that belittle the other partner's opinions. 

  3. Defensiveness

    Defensiveness is expressed when one partner neglects to accept responsibility and fails to try to understand their partner's perspective. Usually, defensive individuals tend to immediately counterattack or deflect blame.

  4. Stonewalling

    Stonewalling occurs when one partner refuses to engage with the other or emotionally shuts down due to feeling generally overwhelmed or flooded with specific emotions. This response can include acts such as avoiding eye contact or physically leaving the room.

Sometimes, it’s hard to acknowledge that you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively. Learning about Dr. Gottman’s concepts (such as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) can be helpful when you are feeling stuck and wondering how to improve interactions with your partner. By recognizing and addressing these destructive communication patterns, you can start to improve some of your negative communication habits. If efforts are not made to improve or change these patterns, your relationship or marriage may continue to suffer and, in time, become less and less beneficial to you or your partner. 

So how can you identify these issues and make changes? In the next four parts of this blog series, we’ll look at each of these patterns, examine specific scenarios to illustrate each concept, and discuss how to improve or change each type of dysfunctional cycle.

 

Meet Austin Couples Therapist Emily Ilseng

 

Tell us a little about who you are and your background as a couples therapist…

Hi there! My name is Emily Ilseng, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate and couples therapist based in Austin, Texas. Since I started counseling, I have worked with a variety of individuals, couples, teens, and families. I am trained in Prepare/Enrich, which I utilize in premarital therapy with couples, and I also use Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Why did you choose to become a couples therapist?

Learning about psychology, relationship dynamics, and having an understanding of a person’s personality has always fascinated me, and it is what initially sparked my desire to be a therapist. Growing up, I always wanted to be at a job that revolved around working with others and helping others. Therapy as a profession felt like a great way to help and support others in a personal manner. Another reason why I chose to become a therapist is because I know what it feels like to feel misunderstood and just want to feel seen and heard. As a therapist, I now have the privilege and opportunity to provide a safe space to allow clients to feel heard and seen, as well as explore their emotions and whatever challenges life might be throwing at them.

Where did you get your counseling education?

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Texas Tech University. I have a Master of Arts in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage, Couples, and Family Therapy from St. Edward's University here in Austin.

What types of therapy clients do you like to work with?

In individual therapy, I love to work with those who might be experiencing perfectionism or are wanting to understand their own relationships or family dynamics. I specialize in couples therapy for those who are longing for a deeper connection with their partner or are wanting to repair their relationship after a betrayal. The reason I love working with these types of individuals or couples has to do with my own personal experience of wanting a deeper understanding of my own relationships and family dynamics. I have a passion for learning about relationships, and I want to help support others who are wanting to gain a better understanding of themselves or their relationship dynamics.

What do you enjoy outside of therapy?

Outside of the therapy room, I like to read my Kindle. My favorite genre right now is psychological thrillers, specifically those written by Freida McFadden! I also enjoy watching college football with friends, and in the fall, I love attending games. My favorite teams to watch are my Texas Tech Red Raiders, of course! A close second favorite is Texas Christian University— Go Frogs! I also love going to spin classes, going for walks on the trail, and playing golf when the weather is nice.

If you resonate with Emily and you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. 

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

4 ​​Keys to an Effective Apology from a Marriage Counselor

 

We’ve all been there. We’ve done something to hurt, offend, or anger someone we love. It’s awkward. There’s tension and maybe even some regret. The clear next step is to break the ice and acknowledge what happened.

As a marriage counselor, I see many people who don’t know where to start. Apologizing is a lost art, and it’s hard to know how to apologize to repair effectively.

In marriage counseling, there tend to be two types of people when it comes to apologizing. The first type is those who rush in, apologize, and take the blame, so to speak, just to move on and keep the peace. Smoothing it over might look good on the surface, as it keeps things moving, but if the apology feels empty or is not genuine, you're in no better place than where you started. Then there's the person who struggles to admit wrongdoing or admit they did something that negatively impacted someone they care about. So, the first part of the process is to own your thoughts and emotions. Are you in a place to genuinely apologize? Or do you need to regulate your own feelings more?

Once you find yourself in a clear headspace, consider these four components that should be included in your apology and the DOs and DON’Ts of each. 

Guidelines for an Effective Apology

  1. Be specific.

    • It’s important to be very specific about what you are apologizing for. Refrain from apologizing for how the other person perceives you or how the other person feels; it always misses the mark. 

      • DO: “I’m sorry I ignored you when I came home after work last night.”

      • DON’T: “I’m sorry you feel angry that I ignored you.” 

  2. Admit you were wrong.

    • This is the hardest part of an apology! For an apology to be genuine, you want to admit wrongdoing. Even if your intentions were good (most of the time, they are!), that isn’t what’s important here. Let them know that you see that what you did had a negative impact.

      • DO: “It wasn’t right for me to treat you that way.”

      • DON’T: “ I didn’t mean for it to come off that way” - or - “It wasn’t my intention to treat you that way.”

  3. Show that you understand their perspective.

    • Again, be specific. Put yourself in their shoes, let them know you understand how your actions impacted them, and go a step further to imagine how they must have felt emotionally. Then, reflect that to them.

      • DO: “I imagine you must have felt unimportant to me at that moment.”

      • DON’T: “You’re being sensitive, so you took it the wrong way.”

  4. Ask for forgiveness.

    • Apologizing is a vulnerable task. You’re putting yourself out there to admit you were wrong and ultimately asking for repair. Once you’ve covered the first three steps, ask for forgiveness. Understand that the receiver may need more time before they wipe the slate clean. 

      • DO: “ Are you willing to forgive me?”

      • DON’T: “Hope you feel better now that I apologized so we can move on.”

An effective apology is just one skill that can help you have a healthier communication pattern in your marriage. If you’re struggling, marriage counseling can help. Reach out to one of our marriage counselors to schedule a free consult call.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Individual Counseling