Meet Austin Couples Therapist Emily Ilseng

 

Tell us a little about who you are and your background as a couples therapist…

Hi there! My name is Emily Ilseng, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) Associate and couples therapist based in Austin, Texas. Since I started counseling, I have worked with a variety of individuals, couples, teens, and families. I am trained in Prepare/Enrich, which I utilize in premarital therapy with couples, and I also use Gottman Method Couples Therapy.

Why did you choose to become a couples therapist?

Learning about psychology, relationship dynamics, and having an understanding of a person’s personality has always fascinated me, and it is what initially sparked my desire to be a therapist. Growing up, I always wanted to be at a job that revolved around working with others and helping others. Therapy as a profession felt like a great way to help and support others in a personal manner. Another reason why I chose to become a therapist is because I know what it feels like to feel misunderstood and just want to feel seen and heard. As a therapist, I now have the privilege and opportunity to provide a safe space to allow clients to feel heard and seen, as well as explore their emotions and whatever challenges life might be throwing at them.

Where did you get your counseling education?

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Texas Tech University. I have a Master of Arts in Counseling with a concentration in Marriage, Couples, and Family Therapy from St. Edward's University here in Austin.

What types of therapy clients do you like to work with?

In individual therapy, I love to work with those who might be experiencing perfectionism or are wanting to understand their own relationships or family dynamics. I specialize in couples therapy for those who are longing for a deeper connection with their partner or are wanting to repair their relationship after a betrayal. The reason I love working with these types of individuals or couples has to do with my own personal experience of wanting a deeper understanding of my own relationships and family dynamics. I have a passion for learning about relationships, and I want to help support others who are wanting to gain a better understanding of themselves or their relationship dynamics.

What do you enjoy outside of therapy?

Outside of the therapy room, I like to read my Kindle. My favorite genre right now is psychological thrillers, specifically those written by Freida McFadden! I also enjoy watching college football with friends, and in the fall, I love attending games. My favorite teams to watch are my Texas Tech Red Raiders, of course! A close second favorite is Texas Christian University— Go Frogs! I also love going to spin classes, going for walks on the trail, and playing golf when the weather is nice.

If you resonate with Emily and you’re ready to take the next step, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. 

Emily Ilseng, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy and Individual Counseling

 

4 ​​Keys to an Effective Apology from a Marriage Counselor

 

We’ve all been there. We’ve done something to hurt, offend, or anger someone we love. It’s awkward. There’s tension and maybe even some regret. The clear next step is to break the ice and acknowledge what happened.

As a marriage counselor, I see many people who don’t know where to start. Apologizing is a lost art, and it’s hard to know how to apologize to repair effectively.

In marriage counseling, there tend to be two types of people when it comes to apologizing. The first type is those who rush in, apologize, and take the blame, so to speak, just to move on and keep the peace. Smoothing it over might look good on the surface, as it keeps things moving, but if the apology feels empty or is not genuine, you're in no better place than where you started. Then there's the person who struggles to admit wrongdoing or admit they did something that negatively impacted someone they care about. So, the first part of the process is to own your thoughts and emotions. Are you in a place to genuinely apologize? Or do you need to regulate your own feelings more?

Once you find yourself in a clear headspace, consider these four components that should be included in your apology and the DOs and DON’Ts of each. 

Guidelines for an Effective Apology

  1. Be specific.

    • It’s important to be very specific about what you are apologizing for. Refrain from apologizing for how the other person perceives you or how the other person feels; it always misses the mark. 

      • DO: “I’m sorry I ignored you when I came home after work last night.”

      • DON’T: “I’m sorry you feel angry that I ignored you.” 

  2. Admit you were wrong.

    • This is the hardest part of an apology! For an apology to be genuine, you want to admit wrongdoing. Even if your intentions were good (most of the time, they are!), that isn’t what’s important here. Let them know that you see that what you did had a negative impact.

      • DO: “It wasn’t right for me to treat you that way.”

      • DON’T: “ I didn’t mean for it to come off that way” - or - “It wasn’t my intention to treat you that way.”

  3. Show that you understand their perspective.

    • Again, be specific. Put yourself in their shoes, let them know you understand how your actions impacted them, and go a step further to imagine how they must have felt emotionally. Then, reflect that to them.

      • DO: “I imagine you must have felt unimportant to me at that moment.”

      • DON’T: “You’re being sensitive, so you took it the wrong way.”

  4. Ask for forgiveness.

    • Apologizing is a vulnerable task. You’re putting yourself out there to admit you were wrong and ultimately asking for repair. Once you’ve covered the first three steps, ask for forgiveness. Understand that the receiver may need more time before they wipe the slate clean. 

      • DO: “ Are you willing to forgive me?”

      • DON’T: “Hope you feel better now that I apologized so we can move on.”

An effective apology is just one skill that can help you have a healthier communication pattern in your marriage. If you’re struggling, marriage counseling can help. Reach out to one of our marriage counselors to schedule a free consult call.

Article by Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Offering Austin Marriage Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Individual Counseling

 

7 Tips to Help Couples Find Work-life Balance in their Relationships

 

Finding a balance between work and personal life can be challenging, especially for couples. The demands of careers and daily responsibilities often lead to neglected relationships and increased stress. However, with conscious effort, effective strategies, and consistent attention, couples can maintain a healthier work-life balance.

Here are some tips to help couples find harmony in both their careers and relationships:

1. Communicate frequently

Open and honest communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. Discussing each other’s work schedules, commitments, and personal needs is important for couples. Regular check-ins can help assess how each of you is feeling with respect to stress levels and allow you both to make necessary adjustments.

2. Prioritize quality time together

Whether it’s a weekly date night, weekend getaway, or a simple home-cooked dinner, setting aside quality time for each other during busy days and weeks can strengthen a couple’s emotional connection.

3. Set boundaries

Establish boundaries between work and personal life to avoid burnout and ensure time for relaxation and rejuvenation. Encourage each other to switch off work-related devices outside of work hours and try to keep from discussing work issues during moments designated for family, time alone, or time with each other.

4. Share household responsibilities

Divide household chores and responsibilities in a way that feels fair to each partner. A shared domestic workload allows both partners to feel supported and reduces the stress of managing a home, alongside demanding careers.

5. Practice self-care

Individual self-care is essential for each partner to maintain a healthy work-life balance. Encourage each other to pursue individual hobbies, to exercise, and to connect with friends. Taking care of oneself enables each partner to show up as their best selves in the relationship.

6. Learn to say no

It's vital for couples to recognize their limits and learn to say no when overwhelmed with too many commitments. Overextending yourself or your family can lead to increased stress and diminished quality time together.

7. Be flexible and adaptable

Life is unpredictable, and work-life balance can sometimes tilt in one direction more than the other. Being flexible and adaptable during these times so that you are able to navigate challenges together and find creative solutions.

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is crucial for couples so that they are more likely to thrive both personally and professionally. Remember, a successful work-life balance isn't about achieving perfection but rather finding a sustainable equilibrium that allows love and careers to flourish simultaneously. If you find that maintaining work-life balance becomes consistently difficult, consider seeking professional help from a couples therapist.

 

The Negative Impact of Loneliness | Why Social Connection Matters

 

The US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, is a champion for relationships and combatting the negative effects of loneliness and even goes so far as to say that loneliness is an epidemic in America. He states that as many as 1 in 2 adults feel this way. Personally, I have heard friends say things like, “I am in a happy marriage, but during the lockdown, I lost my gym. I don’t feel like I have a sense of community anymore.” - or - “All my friends are married with kids, so I have no one to travel with.” Couples therapist Ester Perel states, “We work from home, we get our groceries delivered, and we date from our couch.” In this blog, we will identify what loneliness is, why community matters, and how to find a sense of belonging.

Murthy defines loneliness as “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” The feeling of loneliness can evoke a sense of unworthiness, lack of purpose, and isolation. Loneliness can have profound impacts on both mental and physical health. 

When you think about addressing loneliness, Murthy suggests looking at social connection. Social connection impacts our biology, behavior, and psychology, which impacts our health. Research has shown that loneliness can lead to heart disease, self-harm, and cognitive functioning issues like dementia, diabetes, hypertension, depression, and anxiety. Murthy also notes data stating that a lack of connection is equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day! In fact, there is a 26% chance of earlier death due to loneliness. These are just some of the physical and mental health risk factors of loneliness that social connection can help combat.

In a previous blog, I shared how the quality of the relationship is a direct indicator of quality of life. Social connection actually increases an individual’s chance of survival by 50%. When you feel less lonely, your nervous system is more regulated, and you have an increased sense of belonging and worthiness.

Take a moment to think about the impact of loneliness or connectedness in your life:

  • How do you feel around loved ones? Do you feel connected, or do you feel distant?

  • How are you sleeping and eating? Though many factors can influence these areas, if you feel a lack of connection, it’s likely that your physical health is impacted as well.

  • What is your motivation to pursue your goals? Loneliness can affect our ability to act on our goals, whereas connectedness can help support motivation and persistence.

It’s worth taking some time to inventory things that deplete you of connection and things that nourish your relationships. Things that deplete us of connection and can enhance feelings of loneliness include social media, texting instead of calling friends, only working from home, using apps for services, not being present in the moment, or lacking gratitude. Things that nourish our social connections include saying hi to the bank teller, running errands, calling a friend, joining a community, engaging in hobbies, volunteering, or working from a coffee shop.

Are you experiencing loneliness? Therapy can help. Reach out to us to speak with a therapist if you’re interested in therapy to improve the quality of your relationships.

 

What’s the Difference Between Couples Therapy and Individual Therapy

 

Couples therapy and individual therapy are types of therapy that cater to different needs and challenges. While both focus on improving mental health and well-being, they are designed for different contexts and address unique issues. In this blog post, we will explore the key differences between couples therapy and individual therapy and why they can assist in strengthening relationships and fostering personal growth.

One of the differences between couples therapy and individual therapy is the focus of therapy. In couple’s therapy, the therapist’s client is the relationship, not either of the individual partners, and the therapist helps the couple explore their dynamics, communication styles, and patterns of interaction between partners. Couples therapy may focus on discussions around intimacy, trust, and shared goals. On the other hand, individual therapy focuses on the needs and concerns of an individual. The therapist’s client is the individual themselves, and the therapist works one-on-one with the client to explore their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a safe and confidential environment. Individual therapy typically focuses on personal growth, self-awareness, and self-improvement and can include work to manage or improve a client’s anxiety, depression, trauma, self-esteem, and coping skills.

Another difference between couples therapy and individual therapy is the therapeutic relationship. In couples therapy, the therapist serves as an advocate for the goals set for the relationship, facilitating communication between partners, helping them understand each other's perspective, and guiding them towards resolving conflicts. The therapist aims to create a safe space where both partners can express themselves openly and work towards mutual understanding and resolution. In contrast, individual therapy works within the dyadic client-therapist relationship, and the therapist acts as a supportive and non-judgmental ally who helps the client gain insight into their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors while developing coping strategies to manage challenges.

The goals of couples therapy and individual therapy can also differ. In couples therapy, the primary goal is to improve relationship dynamics, and the therapist can help the couple develop effective communication skills, rebuild trust, and foster emotional intimacy. The focus is on the relationship itself, and both partners are encouraged to take responsibility for their role in the couple’s presenting issues and work towards solutions together. In individual therapy, the focus of sessions is tailored to the individual's specific needs and concerns as they pertain to fostering personal growth and improving well-being. This may include exploring and understanding one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as developing coping skills, improving self-esteem, managing stress, and resolving past traumas.

While both couples therapy and individual therapy are valuable forms of therapy, they differ in their focus, approach, and goals. Understanding how these types of therapy differ can help you choose the best approach for you and/or your partner.

At Austin Relational Wellness, our therapists offer both couples therapy and individual therapy. Reach out to us to learn more!

 

What to Expect in Your First EFT Couples Therapy Session

 

One of the first questions I ask my new couples therapy clients once they arrive at my office is - “What feelings do you notice coming up as you sit down for this session?” I get many answers, from dread and nervousness to anticipation and excitement.

It makes sense! I’m totally new, and they are in my office opening up about the most important relationship in their lives. If you find yourself unsure of what to expect, this post will give you an idea of what to expect when starting couples therapy.

What Happens in the First Couples Therapy Session

Typically, clients have already had a phone call with their couples therapist to determine fit and schedule an appointment, and they have filled out the paperwork online. So the first session isn’t their first encounter with the therapist, but it is the first opportunity for them to talk to their couples therapist about their relationship history, how things are currently going, and what they hope to work on.

I meet the clients in the waiting room and invite them into my office. Before we get into anything, I will review our practice policies and paperwork on topics like confidentiality, payment, cancellation policy, outside communication, etc. This is also the time when I will answer any questions my clients might have about the couples therapy process. This can be a bit of an odd way to start a session, but it’s only necessary the first time.

The first couples therapy session is all about getting to know one another and starting to understand and map out the negative interaction pattern that comes alive between the couple. I practice couples therapy using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In EFT, we call this the cycle or the dance, and we spend much of the first session focused on understanding the ins and outs of the couple's unique cycle.

I want each client to connect with their emotional experience of conflict in their relationship. When there is conflict, who turns up the emotional heat? Who turns it down? We explore the pattern that is co-created between partners in the relationship. The first session is typically spent talking directly to your couples therapist vs hashing it out with one another or speaking to each other about your concerns. 

Towards the end of the, I will spend time with the couple exploring their hopes and goals for couples therapy. I’ll ask questions like:

“What do you want out of this process?”

“How do you hope to feel?”

“What will tell you that your couples therapy experience was a success?”

As we wrap up, we schedule individual therapy sessions for each client to meet with the therapist to discuss family history and talk more one-on-one before rejoining to meet as a couple for the duration of our work.

Couples therapy can be a game changer. If you’re interested in improving your relationship, please reach out to one of our couples therapists for a free phone consultation.

Article by Austin Couples Therapist, Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Cat provides in-person therapy at our office in North Austin

 

The Impact of Life Transitions

 

If you compare your life today to your life 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago, or even 1 month ago, what has remained the same, and what has changed? 

Of the aspects of your life that have changed, were the changes immediate or did they transition from one state to another over a longer period of time? 

When you consider each change that you have noted in response to the prompts above, you probably remember how easy or difficult those experiences were for you. Change can feel empowering, awkward, joyful, painful, exhilarating, sad, exciting, frustrating – all types of feelings, sometimes all at once. Big changes can take many forms, they can unfold in different timeframes, they can move you into new phases in life, and they can also leave you feeling disoriented as you adjust and settle into your new norm.

Common types of life transitions are:

  • those you have planned and are currently taking action on - examples of these may include moving houses, changing jobs, or getting married.

  • those you anticipate but have not yet taken action on – examples of these can be similar to those previously discussed – moves, job changes, relationship status changes – and they can also include events on your long-term horizon like building your dream home, retiring, or becoming a grandparent.

  • those that you do not expect – examples of these may include losing your job, getting a divorce, or a loved one passing away.

Regardless of the type of change you are experiencing, moving from one way of being to another can stir up a complex set of emotions. Different types of transitions can impact different people in different ways, and this can then cause a set of seemingly contradictory feelings. For example, consider your child growing up and moving to college. This change can incite a sense of hope for what is yet to come for your child’s future, but this event can also carry distressing emotions such as sadness and grief. These emotions can arise either during their moving out or after they leave home – you realize that aspects of the old life you knew are no longer part of the life you are now living. By acknowledging that all types of change can be challenging, you make room for your entire emotional experience.

Whether you are male, female, or non-binary, old, young, or somewhere in between, married, single, divorced, or if it’s complicated, change in life is inevitable and can sometimes feel hard to manage on your own. Engaging with a therapist and initiating therapy, either with your partner in couples therapy or on your own in individual therapy, can help you manage and process the entire range of emotions you experience during transitions.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, & Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

How Date Night Can Help | Moving on From the Crisis That Brought You to Couples Therapy

 

There are times when your relationship or marriage feels so-so – when you’re feeling like things are going okay – not bad but also not great. There may be a strong desire and longing for your relationship to be more enjoyable. This can be a common feeling for couples who have just been through a crisis.

If you’re a couple who has started going to couples therapy, these feelings can arise after you and your partner have weathered the crisis that brought you to couples therapy and after you’ve reached a sustained period of time with an even level of stability within your partnership. 

Our relationship isn’t on fire or burning down anymore, but are we really enjoying ourselves?

After you’ve been through any stressful relational situation, there’s a good chance those events have changed some aspects of you as a person, how you view life, or how you view your relationship. The events have also probably changed your partner and your interactions in your relationship. 

How can we start to enjoy each other’s company again?

When you think about times you felt good with your partner, you may think about the experiences you’ve had together or the memories you have made during your relationship, prior to your crisis. One strategy to start to feel more positively toward your partner is to take or make opportunities to create more positive experiences to add to your memory bank. 

Would a date night help?

Date nights can help, and there are strategies that can increase the chance your date night will be a positive experience. The success of a date night doesn’t depend only on spending dedicated, quality time with your partner. Novel experiences – an encounter that both of you are trying for the first time – can take your date nights to a new level of enjoyment. When we try new things, our brain’s reward system is activated, and we produce some of the same chemicals that are also associated with romantic love. 

If you take the opportunity to try something new, you may learn something new about yourself, you may learn something about your partner, or you’ll try a new place. Ideas for introducing new experiences to date night can be as simple as changing your dinner venue to a restaurant neither of you has been to before. You can also get more creative and book a cooking class or try stand up paddle boarding. 

Approach experiences with your partner from a place of adventure, creativity, and curiosity, and you’ll have a better chance to create connections with your partner that take your relationship or marriage from feeling okay to feeling good again.

If you’re struggling to move forward from the relationship crisis that brought you into couples therapy in the first place, this is a great thing to bring up in your next couples therapy session.

Not yet in couples therapy or marriage counseling but having a difficult time navigating a crisis or getting back to a good place? Reaching out for couples therapy could be a step in the right direction.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

Feeling Disconnected When You’re Apart? | How Couples Communicate to Get Connected

 

How do you keep from feeling disconnected from your partner when the two of you are physically apart?

Relationships and marriages have their ups and downs – times when you feel close to your partner and times when you feel more distant. These feelings can be enhanced when you and your partner are unable to achieve or maintain physical proximity – such as when one of you is traveling or when one of you has to put in longer hours at work.

Furthermore, if you’re in a challenging phase of your relationship due to unexpected stresses, you may need extra support from your partner. Here, we discuss a few ideas to help you proactively take action to stay and feel connected while you’re apart.

Be open and communicate about feeling disconnected

Sometimes, there is a misalignment between when we feel connected or disconnected from our partner and when our partner feels connected or disconnected from us. If you’re away from home to take care of your mother who just had surgery, you may be so busy that you don’t even notice a disconnection, but your partner could be feeling very distant from you. If you’re starting to feel some distance growing for yourself, share this feeling with your partner, and encourage them to do the same.

How do we prevent disconnection from happening when we are physically separated?

To become aware of your own sense of connection, one question you can ask yourself is:

“In previous times when we’ve been apart, when have I felt the most connected to my partner?”

Examples of these moments could be:

  • when they sent good morning or good night texts

  • when they called to check in on your day or you did the same for them

  • when you shared that you missed them and they said they missed you too

  • when they asked to make a video call to wish you good luck on your big presentation at work

The potential for small moments like these are endless, and these types of moments will be unique to both you and your partner.

Before you’re apart, you and your partner could make a list of these types of moments and share them with each other. Commit to each other that you’ll implement one item from the other’s list each day you’re physically apart.  If you have conversations before you’re in different physical locations and too far down the road of disconnection, you’ll have a better chance of staving off more significant feelings of separateness.

Review what worked and what didn’t

After a period of time apart, have a discussion about what moments cultivated a sense of connection for each of you and plan to implement those efforts during future times you’re apart.

If disconnection is something that affects your relationship or marriage and you feel you could use a little extra help navigating the shift toward greater connection, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help. Reach out to find out more about if couples counseling is right for you.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

 

How to Overcome Gridlocked Conflict | Tips from an Austin Couples Therapist

 

In this final post of our blog series, we’ll explore gridlocked problems – types of perpetual problems that have the potential to cause real damage to your relationship. If you’re new to this series, go check out the previous posts on Why Couples Have the Same Arguments Over and Over Again, 3 Types of Problems Partners Face in Couples Therapy, and Will Recurring Arguments Keep Us From Having a Happy Relationship?

We will use Scenario C from this series’ original post to explore how this couple might approach a perpetual problem that has turned gridlocked:

Kate and Danny have been married for six years. They are currently in an argument over Danny’s lack of attention to their yard. When they got married, they discussed that Kate would be in charge of most of the indoor chores and Danny would be responsible for everything outside, including the yard. Kate refers to herself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’, and she takes pride in the tidy home she keeps. When she started dating Danny, she noticed that he was messier than she was, but she decided that if she took over the home and Danny could just keep up the yard, she’d be able to tolerate their differences in how they organize things. Danny feels the yard looks fine, and compared to the other yards in their neighborhood, the time he spends on the yard work is adequate. In his mind, their yard doesn’t look as bad as the other yards in the neighborhood, and he feels Kate is overreacting.

In The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that perpetual problems can morph into gridlocked problems when a couple becomes frustrated with the repeated cycling of the same argument and they don’t see any progress towards a solution. Couples experience this type of argument in a particularly painful way since it is characteristically steeped with criticism and feelings of rejection by your partner. Kate and Danny’s scenario illustrates how their argument has turned into one where they both feel judged and rejected by each other.

The scenario notes that Kate voices her displeasure with Danny by calling him lazy and worthless; Danny responds by withdrawing, refusing to discuss the issue, and disconnecting from Kate – neither partner is making an effort to understand why the other has become so upset. In gridlocked problems, there are usually personal dreams of one or both partners that are being unfulfilled. Unless an effort is made to uncover these, no progress will be made to manage the disagreement.

So, how do they solve this issue? Each partner could explore any hidden dreams they have within the gridlocked conflict. Kate’s dream may be that she wants to feel prioritized in her relationship or that she wants to feel a sense of order at home. Danny’s dream may be to feel a consistent sense of autonomy in a relationship or feel that he’s able to relax and not have things look perfect. After exploring these dreams for themselves, Kate and Danny could then share these desires with each other, refraining from using criticism of each other’s deeper story. 

Since research shows that most of all marital problems are perpetual problems, meaning they will recur, even healthy relationships will experience the same arguments over and over again. I hope this series has helped to show you how to identify and manage solvable, perpetual, and gridlocked problems.

If you feel you and your partner could benefit from a little extra help navigating your own marital problems, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help. Your couples therapist can guide you in communicating and understanding one another on deeper levels to increase your connection for a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate