The Negative Impact of Loneliness | Why Social Connection Matters

 

The US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, is a champion for relationships and combatting the negative effects of loneliness and even goes so far as to say that loneliness is an epidemic in America. He states that as many as 1 in 2 adults feel this way. Personally, I have heard friends say things like, “I am in a happy marriage, but during the lockdown, I lost my gym. I don’t feel like I have a sense of community anymore.” - or - “All my friends are married with kids, so I have no one to travel with.” Couples therapist Ester Perel states, “We work from home, we get our groceries delivered, and we date from our couch.” In this blog, we will identify what loneliness is, why community matters, and how to find a sense of belonging.

Murthy defines loneliness as “a subjective distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or inadequate meaningful connections, where inadequate refers to the discrepancy or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” The feeling of loneliness can evoke a sense of unworthiness, lack of purpose, and isolation. Loneliness can have profound impacts on both mental and physical health. 

When you think about addressing loneliness, Murthy suggests looking at social connection. Social connection impacts our biology, behavior, and psychology, which impacts our health. Research has shown that loneliness can lead to heart disease, self-harm, and cognitive functioning issues like dementia, diabetes, hypertension, depression, and anxiety. Murthy also notes data stating that a lack of connection is equivalent to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day! In fact, there is a 26% chance of earlier death due to loneliness. These are just some of the physical and mental health risk factors of loneliness that social connection can help combat.

In a previous blog, I shared how the quality of the relationship is a direct indicator of quality of life. Social connection actually increases an individual’s chance of survival by 50%. When you feel less lonely, your nervous system is more regulated, and you have an increased sense of belonging and worthiness.

Take a moment to think about the impact of loneliness or connectedness in your life:

  • How do you feel around loved ones? Do you feel connected, or do you feel distant?

  • How are you sleeping and eating? Though many factors can influence these areas, if you feel a lack of connection, it’s likely that your physical health is impacted as well.

  • What is your motivation to pursue your goals? Loneliness can affect our ability to act on our goals, whereas connectedness can help support motivation and persistence.

It’s worth taking some time to inventory things that deplete you of connection and things that nourish your relationships. Things that deplete us of connection and can enhance feelings of loneliness include social media, texting instead of calling friends, only working from home, using apps for services, not being present in the moment, or lacking gratitude. Things that nourish our social connections include saying hi to the bank teller, running errands, calling a friend, joining a community, engaging in hobbies, volunteering, or working from a coffee shop.

Are you experiencing loneliness? Therapy can help. Reach out to us to speak with a therapist if you’re interested in therapy to improve the quality of your relationships.

 

Secure Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Relationship Scenario: You call your partner, and they don’t answer. 

Someone with an anxious attachment style might say: “Did I do something wrong? When will they call me back?”

Someone with an avoidant attachment style says: ”If they’re rejecting my call, I will ignore them when they call back.”

Someone with a secure attachment style might say: “Hmm, they must be busy. I will get back to work and look forward to hearing from them.” - or - “I will just text them - Call me when you’re free. It is not an emergency. I just have a question about dinner.”

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment is the healthiest attachment style. It is grounded, mature, and wise. Those with secure attachment have a healthy sense of self-worth, acceptance, and vulnerability. Those with secure attachment manage emotions and communication in the clearest way, leaving less of a push-pull in their relationships. 

In my previous two posts on attachment styles, we explored anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. In this blog post, we will touch on what it means to have a secure attachment style, as well as how a secure attachment style is developed as a child and then shows up as an adult.

Attachment styles are four behavioral archetypes based on attachment theory and research. Research suggests that secure attachment style is the most common type of attachment style in our society. Around 66% of the nation’s population is estimated to have a secure attachment style.

How does Secure Attachment Style Develop?

A child’s experience of responsiveness and attunement from caregivers impacts how they experience the world and relationships later in life. As children, those with a secure attachment style likely had their caregiver attend to them when they had physical cues such as crying. As a baby, they trusted their caregiver would be there for them. Trust is the anchor of secure attachment style. These individuals also had a stronger ability to self-soothe, as well as the ability not to let emotions drive their behavior.

Children develop secure attachment by having their needs met, feeling supported, having a sense of belonging, and feeling safe, trusted, seen, and heard while also being able to be on their own and test the world, knowing they can return safely. An example of a child with secure attachment would be - a child having their parent within view while still having autonomy and playing independently.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

In adulthood, a secure attachment style is typically characterized as feeling comfortable in intimate relationships, balancing thinking emotionally and logically with a sense that, no matter what, you’ll be okay. People with a secure attachment style are generally able to communicate their needs and feelings effectively. It is the ability to self-soothe and regulate the nervous system, plus knowing, liking, and trusting all parts of yourself.

An adult with secure attachment:

  1. Knows how to regulate their emotions and understands their feelings 

  2. Has autonomy and the ability to navigate the world independently 

  3. Is open, connected, and trusting of others

  4. Is clear on who they are and what their purpose is

  5. Can communicate clearly 

  6. Strives to live a meaningful life

  7. Can ask for support from others and also lend support to others

  8. Is balanced with togetherness and separateness

  9. Is comfortable alone

  10. Is able to be reflective and observant of how they participate and contribute to the relationship

The good news is you can change your attachment style. Even if you didn’t have all these things growing up, you can work on shifting your attachment style and becoming securely attached in your adult relationships.

How to move from anxious or avoidant attachment styles to secure attachment style: 

  1. Learn to self soothe 

  2. Learn to regulate emotions and your nervous system

  3. Express primary vulnerable emotions

  4. Go to individual therapy 

  5. Take time to be self-compassionate and mindful

  6. Be around those that feel safe in a relationship and feel capable and comfortable being transparent

  7. Attend relationship therapy or couples therapy with your partner to practice healthy communication

  8. Set healthy boundaries

Developing a secure attachment style can lead to even more fulfilling and satisfying relationships, along with greater emotional well-being. So don't hesitate to work towards this goal - your future self will thank you! If you would like to work on developing a secure attachment style in your relationships, reach out to us to book an individual therapy, relationship therapy, or couples therapy session. 

 

What’s the Difference Between Couples Therapy and Individual Therapy

 

Couples therapy and individual therapy are types of therapy that cater to different needs and challenges. While both focus on improving mental health and well-being, they are designed for different contexts and address unique issues. In this blog post, we will explore the key differences between couples therapy and individual therapy and why they can assist in strengthening relationships and fostering personal growth.

One of the differences between couples therapy and individual therapy is the focus of therapy. In couple’s therapy, the therapist’s client is the relationship, not either of the individual partners, and the therapist helps the couple explore their dynamics, communication styles, and patterns of interaction between partners. Couples therapy may focus on discussions around intimacy, trust, and shared goals. On the other hand, individual therapy focuses on the needs and concerns of an individual. The therapist’s client is the individual themselves, and the therapist works one-on-one with the client to explore their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a safe and confidential environment. Individual therapy typically focuses on personal growth, self-awareness, and self-improvement and can include work to manage or improve a client’s anxiety, depression, trauma, self-esteem, and coping skills.

Another difference between couples therapy and individual therapy is the therapeutic relationship. In couples therapy, the therapist serves as an advocate for the goals set for the relationship, facilitating communication between partners, helping them understand each other's perspective, and guiding them towards resolving conflicts. The therapist aims to create a safe space where both partners can express themselves openly and work towards mutual understanding and resolution. In contrast, individual therapy works within the dyadic client-therapist relationship, and the therapist acts as a supportive and non-judgmental ally who helps the client gain insight into their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors while developing coping strategies to manage challenges.

The goals of couples therapy and individual therapy can also differ. In couples therapy, the primary goal is to improve relationship dynamics, and the therapist can help the couple develop effective communication skills, rebuild trust, and foster emotional intimacy. The focus is on the relationship itself, and both partners are encouraged to take responsibility for their role in the couple’s presenting issues and work towards solutions together. In individual therapy, the focus of sessions is tailored to the individual's specific needs and concerns as they pertain to fostering personal growth and improving well-being. This may include exploring and understanding one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as developing coping skills, improving self-esteem, managing stress, and resolving past traumas.

While both couples therapy and individual therapy are valuable forms of therapy, they differ in their focus, approach, and goals. Understanding how these types of therapy differ can help you choose the best approach for you and/or your partner.

At Austin Relational Wellness, our therapists offer both couples therapy and individual therapy. Reach out to us to learn more!

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, Couples Therapy, & Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

What to Expect in Your First EFT Couples Therapy Session

 

One of the first questions I ask my new couples therapy clients once they arrive at my office is - “What feelings do you notice coming up as you sit down for this session?” I get many answers, from dread and nervousness to anticipation and excitement.

It makes sense! I’m totally new, and they are in my office opening up about the most important relationship in their lives. If you find yourself unsure of what to expect, this post will give you an idea of what to expect when starting couples therapy.

What Happens in the First Couples Therapy Session

Typically, clients have already had a phone call with their couples therapist to determine fit and schedule an appointment, and they have filled out the paperwork online. So the first session isn’t their first encounter with the therapist, but it is the first opportunity for them to talk to their couples therapist about their relationship history, how things are currently going, and what they hope to work on.

I meet the clients in the waiting room and invite them into my office. Before we get into anything, I will review our practice policies and paperwork on topics like confidentiality, payment, cancellation policy, outside communication, etc. This is also the time when I will answer any questions my clients might have about the couples therapy process. This can be a bit of an odd way to start a session, but it’s only necessary the first time.

The first couples therapy session is all about getting to know one another and starting to understand and map out the negative interaction pattern that comes alive between the couple. I practice couples therapy using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In EFT, we call this the cycle or the dance, and we spend much of the first session focused on understanding the ins and outs of the couple's unique cycle.

I want each client to connect with their emotional experience of conflict in their relationship. When there is conflict, who turns up the emotional heat? Who turns it down? We explore the pattern that is co-created between partners in the relationship. The first session is typically spent talking directly to your couples therapist vs hashing it out with one another or speaking to each other about your concerns. 

Towards the end of the, I will spend time with the couple exploring their hopes and goals for couples therapy. I’ll ask questions like:

“What do you want out of this process?”

“How do you hope to feel?”

“What will tell you that your couples therapy experience was a success?”

As we wrap up, we schedule individual therapy sessions for each client to meet with the therapist to discuss family history and talk more one-on-one before rejoining to meet as a couple for the duration of our work.

Couples therapy can be a game changer. If you’re interested in improving your relationship, please reach out to one of our couples therapists for a free phone consultation.

Article by Austin Couples Therapist, Cat van der Westhuizen, LPC, LMFT

Cat provides in-person therapy at our office in North Austin

 

Benefits of Premarital Counseling

 

Premarital counseling can be beneficial for the health of both partners and your relationship, even if you’re looking forward to your wedding and don’t feel like you have any pressing relational issues. This type of counseling provides a safe and supportive space for couples to explore specific aspects of their relationship. Pre-marital therapy can help improve communication skills, preemptively identify future challenges, build a stronger relational bond between partners, discuss sensitive topics, and plan for the future.

Improve communication skills

Effective communication is crucial to a healthy relationship and can positively impact a couple’s relational and mental health. Through counseling, couples can learn how to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that is clear, respectful, and non-confrontational. They can also learn active listening skills that promote emotional intimacy and reduce the risk of misunderstandings that can negatively affect their relationship.

Identify future disputes

Premarital counseling can help to identify and address potential, longer-term challenges, before they become significant issues. This can be done by assisting partners to identify potential triggers or future misalignments and develop coping strategies that minimize the impact of these conflicts on the health of their marriage.

Develop skills to navigate conflict

All couples will experience some type of conflict. Counseling can help to identify the couple’s patterns while in conflict and introduce new skills and strategies to improve their argumentative styles. Improvements in how a couple argues can result in shorter times in discourse and greater understanding of their partner’s unique perspective.

Build stronger relational bonds

Counseling can help partners develop a deeper understanding of each other's needs, increase emotional connection, and build a deeper sense of trust – all important components of a healthy marriage. By strengthening these parts of their relationship, a couple can protect their relationship from feelings of loneliness when life becomes stressful.

Discuss sensitive topics

Premarital counseling provides a safe space to discuss sensitive topics, such as intimacy, family planning, finances, religion, past trauma, or mental health struggles. Couples can explore these issues and work through these areas in a non-judgmental and supportive environment. This work can lead to increased emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and empathy for themselves and each other.

Plan for the future

Counseling can help couples set realistic expectations for their future together. This is especially important since having unspoken, unrealistic expectations for their marriage can lead to disappointment, frustration, and stress. Engaging in therapy can help partners develop strategies to competently navigate challenges that may arise as their marriage commences and matures.

If you and your partner are interested in benefiting from premarital counseling, reach out to any of our therapists for support in your journey to the altar. 

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, Couples Therapy, & Marriage Counseling in Austin, TX

 

How to Support Someone with Anxiety

 

To conclude this series on panic attacks and anxiety, this post will focus on how to support someone who experiences anxiety. Check out my previous posts to read the full series - Panic Attacks vs. Anxiety | How to Know the Difference + How To Support Someone During a Panic Attack.

Similar to panic attacks, unless you have had a discussion with your loved one about how they want to be cared for during their anxious moments, you can feel unsure about how to provide support for them. Here, we list some strategies you can immediately employ with them or use to begin a dialog about what may resonate best with them to manage their anxiety. By learning more about some of these general tactics, you can help create a stable, understanding environment for anyone who struggles with anxiety.

Here are some suggestions for how to care for someone who is experiencing anxiety:

  • When someone shares that they are feeling anxious, listen and validate their feelings. Anxious thoughts can feel overwhelming so try to avoid minimizing their anxiety, dismissing their experience, or telling them to “just relax”. Instead, show empathy and acknowledge the challenges they are facing.

  • Encourage the person to identify triggers that may have led to the onset of their anxious feelings and help them to employ coping strategies such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or practicing mindfulness. Ask them if they have any unique, specific tactics that have worked for them in the past and then help them to implement them.

  • Anxiety can make everyday duties more difficult, so offer practical, logistical support by helping with tasks such as grocery shopping, running errands, or basic housekeeping. Assisting with some of these common, daily tasks can help alleviate some of the general stress your loved one may be feeling at the same time as the anxiety is present.

  • Supporting someone who is experiencing anxiety can be emotionally and mentally draining so also remember the importance of taking care of yourself. This may involve seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional of your own.

  • If your loved one’s anxiety is severe or interfering with their daily life, encourage them to seek help from a mental health professional. A therapist or other mental health provider can help them understand the root cause of their anxiety and develop additional strategies for managing it.

With patience and understanding, you can help your loved one feel supported and cared for as they experience and manage their anxiety. Remember that seeking help and finding coping strategies are important steps in managing anxiety and improving overall well-being.

 

9 Cognitive Distortions That Influence Negative Thinking

 

Do you recall a time when you were driving, a song came on, and as a result, you felt a certain emotion or had a specific memory? Then what happened? Did you feel sad and cry, or maybe you got mad and got upset? Then what did you do? Did you text your ex because the song made you think of them or honk at a car around you because you were mad?

Sometimes, do you feel like these experiences are out of your control? Our thoughts impact our emotions, which influence our behavior. This concept is the foundation of a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT.

The premise of CBT is about how what we feel, what we think, and how we act impact one another.

Let’s take another example - you go on Instagram, see someone posted a picture on vacation with their new girlfriend, and you then think, “I will die alone.”

This is an example of what we call a cognitive distortion - a thought pattern or belief that is exaggerated, irrational, or inaccurate. Sometimes we create cognitive distortions from thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

CBT therapy helps you process your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to be more present. One way to do this is by working with cognitive distortions.

Examples of cognitive distortions:

  1. Black and white thinking - you have an all-or-nothing mentality

    Example: “I didn’t do the dishes. I am lazy, and I am a failure.”

  2. Catastrophizing - you go to the extreme, worst-case scenario 

    Example: “I will not pass the exam, and it will be a bad experience.”

  3. Discounting - you feel unworthy and discount an experience, justifying the unworthiness

    Example: “I only passed because I got lucky.”

  4. Emotional reasoning - you rationalize your feeling

    Example: “I feel sad, so something must be wrong with my career.”

  5. Labeling  - you label yourself as something negative 

    Example: “I am broken.”

  6. Should statements - you guilt or shame yourself for what you think you are supposed to do

    Example: “I should fold the laundry right now, even though I am exhausted.” 

  7. Blaming - you blame someone or something else

    Example: “It is my mom's fault for being like this.” 

  8. Overgeneralizing  - you generalize an experience

    Example: “I had bad luck last time I tried this. I will never get it right.”

  9. Mind reading - assuming what someone else is thinking

    Example: “I know he doesn’t like me.”

Cognitive distortions can impact how we feel about ourselves, go about our day, and impact our overall well-being. With CBT strategies, we can become more aware and train ourselves to be aware of these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to improve our quality of life.

Here are a few CBT strategies:

Cognitive Restructuring

This strategy is about identifying and reframing cognitive distortions with a better outlook.

For example, you recognize when tell yourself that you are lazy because you should have been more productive (an example of a should statement and an overgeneralization). You can use the strategy of cognitive restructuring to reframe and consciously remember all the times you have been productive, then instead tell yourself that maybe you need rest right now.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is one of the best ways to be present. Mindfulness practices include breathing, meditation, journaling, and moving your body. The key is to purposefully engage in and focus on an experience without any evaluation or judgement. With a mindfulness practice, you become more aware of your thoughts, befriend them, and are able to just be with them.  You can bring the subconscious to consciousness. You can respond versus react to your thoughts. By tuning into yourself, you can intentionally replace your cognitive distortions with cognitive restructuring.

Other CBT strategies include exposure therapy, self-compassion, behavioral activation, and skill training.

Realizing that some of these cognitive distortions are ones you use at times? Reach out to Sarah for support in recognizing and working with cognitive distortions in individual CBT therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

 

In my previous post, I wrote about attachment theory, attachment styles, and specifically, anxious attachment style. In this post, we’ll explore another type of attachment style — avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are generally more distant or dismissive of closeness and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, these individuals did not receive the closeness they were perhaps craving as a child. Their need to express emotions and connectedness was met with disapproval. Those with an avoidant attachment style perhaps had more closed-off, emotionally unavailable, or stern parents. With this, as adults, those with an avoidant attachment style can be very independent and self-sufficient and appear confident. These individuals may fear too much closeness and come off as dismissive.

Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers

Those with avoidant attachment styles can display the image of being overall happy and “fine.” At the same time, on the inside, they struggle to connect with their partner or to feel safe expressing themselves deeply. They might appear to have high self-esteem and a fun-loving personality. They are easy to be around, and it often seems like they have it all together, but they struggle to actually get close to others. For those with avoidant attachment style, a relationship can start to feel scary when the bond starts to feel too “deep.” It may feel like a closed door when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy with this attachment style. To a partner, this may seem hot and cold and be confusing.

Ways to Manage an Avoidant Attachment Style 

For those with avoidant attachment style, a first step to managing this style is actually to create space and distance. This is a good time to self-reflect and recalibrate the nervous system. Once you regulate your nervous system, you can start asking yourself questions like — “What do I feel? What sensations are arising emotionally and physically? What will make me feel safe to open up?”

Then ask yourself — “What do I need, and what should I do?”  How can you feel safe to share with your partner and lean into the conversation? What will make you feel close?   Gaining insight into your internal compass and taking baby steps towards softening towards another person is a strong step forward that can lead you from avoidant to secure attachment.

For the partner of an individual with avoidant attachment style, it can be so hard to give the avoidant partner space, especially if the partner leans towards an anxious attachment style themselves. The partner may need to take a beat and get curious about their own attachment triggers to give room for their partner to manage theirs. You can also approach your partner by asking how you can support them and how the two of you can connect in the moment. 

In addition to self-reflection and nervous system regulation, individual therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, and mindfulness practices can help you manage your avoidant attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

How To Support Someone During a Panic Attack

 

In a previous post, we started a discussion about some ways that panic attacks and anxiety differ.  In this post, we’ll focus on how to support someone experiencing panic attacks (although some of these suggestions can be used when either condition is present).

Unless you and your loved one have discussed how you can support them, prior to the onset of a panic attack, you can feel helpless and uncertain about what to do.  Panic attacks can be overwhelming and frightening for the person experiencing the attack, and you have the opportunity to provide a safe and supportive environment for them at that moment.

Here are some suggestions for how to care for someone who is having a panic attack:

  • You may feel worried or concerned when someone you care about is in distress, but it's important to remain as calm as possible.  Panic attacks can also stir up strong emotions for you in the moment, so try to maintain a sense of calm within yourself, as you help the person experiencing the attack.

  • Panic attacks can feel like a medical emergency, so it's important to reassure the person that they are safe and that the attack will pass.  Let them know that they are not alone and remind them that you are there to support them.

  • Certain stimuli or situations can trigger panic attacks, so it's important to create a safe and comfortable environment for the person experiencing the attack.  This may involve removing any triggers you are aware of and finding a quiet, private space for them to recover.

  • Panic attacks can include rapid breathing, which can make the attack feel worse. Provide encouragement to take slow, deep breaths to help slow their heart rate and calm their body.  You can demonstrate how to take deep breaths, if you observe that they are feeling short of breath.

  • Urge the person to use any coping strategies that they have learned, such as deep breathing or focusing on the details of the environment around them.  If they don't have any coping strategies, you can offer any calming actions you have personally found helpful.

  • If the person is experiencing panic attacks frequently or if the panic attacks are causing significant distress in their life, recommend that they seek help from a mental health professional.  A therapist or other mental health provider can help them understand the root cause of the attacks and develop strategies for managing them.

Everyone experiences panic attacks differently – what works for one person may not work for another person.  Providing support and understanding for your partner, friend, or family who deals with this condition can be incredibly helpful for them, both during the episode and after they have recovered.

 

Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Your partner doesn’t call you back when you call them — what do you do and think? Do you automatically assume they are mad at you? Do you text them and demand that they call you back? Where is your head at — totally spinning?

You go out on a date with someone new — after the first date, do you immediately start wondering when the next date will be? Does it feel like you absolutely need to know?

These thoughts and reactions may be some indicators of an anxious attachment style.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was first founded by John Bowlby in his research on how babies attach to their primary caregiver. For example, in this research, they looked at things like — when the baby cried for a changed diaper, did the caregiver come in and change the diaper? What they found was that the level of responsiveness of a caregiver to a baby’s needs impacted how the baby experienced safety, trust, and connection and influenced how this child would interact in the world with others throughout life.

Sue Johnson furthered the study of this theory with a focus on how these attachment styles show up in our intimate partnerships as adults. Johnson applied the four attachment styles first identified by Bowlby — secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and anxious attachment — to adult partnerships.

Anxious Attachment Style

As a child, those with an anxious attachment style may have had an inconsistent or confusing dynamic with their primary caregiver due to inconsistent or misattuned parenting. Perhaps they often had temper tantrums and felt a strong need to be close to their primary caregiver, but the caregiver did not respond with closeness or comfort most of the time. These children may have been easy to get worked up and upset and unable to self-regulate.

In adult partnerships, those with anxious attachment style tend to be “needy” and dependent on their partner. Some signals of anxious attachment include: low self-esteem, fear of rejection and abandonment, jealousy, worry, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, and clinginess.

Anxious Attachment Style Triggers

Triggers for an anxiously attached individual may include: inconsistency in communication from a partner when the partner is running late, when a partner seems distant or disconnected, a partner forgetting an important event, or a partner not noticing a new haircut or outfit.

Those with anxious attachment styles in a relationship can react to their triggers in the following ways: constantly thinking about the relationship, worrying about threats to the relationship, desiring constant connection to their partner, and often being quick to anger, blame, and explain to their partner.

Ways to Manage an Anxious Attachment Style 

If you’re identifying with some of these signals, triggers, or reactions, you may have an anxious attachment style. One of the best ways to work with an anxious attachment style when you’re triggered is to focus on self-regulating your emotions in the following ways:

  • Recognize you’re overstimulated

  • Breathe and think through, holding off on a big emotional reaction

  • Work to calm yourself down and get grounded

  • Manage the expectations of your partner

  • Communicate your anger or hurt in a non-reactive way

In addition to self-regulation, talk therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies, and mindfulness also help with managing your anxious attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy