9 Cognitive Distortions That Influence Negative Thinking

 

Do you recall a time when you were driving, a song came on, and as a result, you felt a certain emotion or had a specific memory? Then what happened? Did you feel sad and cry, or maybe you got mad and got upset? Then what did you do? Did you text your ex because the song made you think of them or honk at a car around you because you were mad?

Sometimes, do you feel like these experiences are out of your control? Our thoughts impact our emotions, which influence our behavior. This concept is the foundation of a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT.

The premise of CBT is about how what we feel, what we think, and how we act impact one another.

Let’s take another example - you go on Instagram, see someone posted a picture on vacation with their new girlfriend, and you then think, “I will die alone.”

This is an example of what we call a cognitive distortion - a thought pattern or belief that is exaggerated, irrational, or inaccurate. Sometimes we create cognitive distortions from thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

CBT therapy helps you process your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to be more present. One way to do this is by working with cognitive distortions.

Examples of cognitive distortions:

  1. Black and white thinking - you have an all-or-nothing mentality

    Example: “I didn’t do the dishes. I am lazy, and I am a failure.”

  2. Catastrophizing - you go to the extreme, worst-case scenario 

    Example: “I will not pass the exam, and it will be a bad experience.”

  3. Discounting - you feel unworthy and discount an experience, justifying the unworthiness

    Example: “I only passed because I got lucky.”

  4. Emotional reasoning - you rationalize your feeling

    Example: “I feel sad, so something must be wrong with my career.”

  5. Labeling  - you label yourself as something negative 

    Example: “I am broken.”

  6. Should statements - you guilt or shame yourself for what you think you are supposed to do

    Example: “I should fold the laundry right now, even though I am exhausted.” 

  7. Blaming - you blame someone or something else

    Example: “It is my mom's fault for being like this.” 

  8. Overgeneralizing  - you generalize an experience

    Example: “I had bad luck last time I tried this. I will never get it right.”

  9. Mind reading - assuming what someone else is thinking

    Example: “I know he doesn’t like me.”

Cognitive distortions can impact how we feel about ourselves, go about our day, and impact our overall well-being. With CBT strategies, we can become more aware and train ourselves to be aware of these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to improve our quality of life.

Here are a few CBT strategies:

Cognitive Restructuring

This strategy is about identifying and reframing cognitive distortions with a better outlook.

For example, you recognize when tell yourself that you are lazy because you should have been more productive (an example of a should statement and an overgeneralization). You can use the strategy of cognitive restructuring to reframe and consciously remember all the times you have been productive, then instead tell yourself that maybe you need rest right now.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is one of the best ways to be present. Mindfulness practices include breathing, meditation, journaling, and moving your body. The key is to purposefully engage in and focus on an experience without any evaluation or judgement. With a mindfulness practice, you become more aware of your thoughts, befriend them, and are able to just be with them.  You can bring the subconscious to consciousness. You can respond versus react to your thoughts. By tuning into yourself, you can intentionally replace your cognitive distortions with cognitive restructuring.

Other CBT strategies include exposure therapy, self-compassion, behavioral activation, and skill training.

Realizing that some of these cognitive distortions are ones you use at times? Reach out to Sarah for support in recognizing and working with cognitive distortions in individual CBT therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

 

In my previous post, I wrote about attachment theory, attachment styles, and specifically, anxious attachment style. In this post, we’ll explore another type of attachment style — avoidant attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment Style

People with an avoidant attachment style are generally more distant or dismissive of closeness and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, these individuals did not receive the closeness they were perhaps craving as a child. Their need to express emotions and connectedness was met with disapproval. Those with an avoidant attachment style perhaps had more closed-off, emotionally unavailable, or stern parents. With this, as adults, those with an avoidant attachment style can be very independent and self-sufficient and appear confident. These individuals may fear too much closeness and come off as dismissive.

Avoidant Attachment Style Triggers

Those with avoidant attachment styles can display the image of being overall happy and “fine.” At the same time, on the inside, they struggle to connect with their partner or to feel safe expressing themselves deeply. They might appear to have high self-esteem and a fun-loving personality. They are easy to be around, and it often seems like they have it all together, but they struggle to actually get close to others. For those with avoidant attachment style, a relationship can start to feel scary when the bond starts to feel too “deep.” It may feel like a closed door when it comes to emotional closeness and intimacy with this attachment style. To a partner, this may seem hot and cold and be confusing.

Ways to Manage an Avoidant Attachment Style 

For those with avoidant attachment style, a first step to managing this style is actually to create space and distance. This is a good time to self-reflect and recalibrate the nervous system. Once you regulate your nervous system, you can start asking yourself questions like — “What do I feel? What sensations are arising emotionally and physically? What will make me feel safe to open up?”

Then ask yourself — “What do I need, and what should I do?”  How can you feel safe to share with your partner and lean into the conversation? What will make you feel close?   Gaining insight into your internal compass and taking baby steps towards softening towards another person is a strong step forward that can lead you from avoidant to secure attachment.

For the partner of an individual with avoidant attachment style, it can be so hard to give the avoidant partner space, especially if the partner leans towards an anxious attachment style themselves. The partner may need to take a beat and get curious about their own attachment triggers to give room for their partner to manage theirs. You can also approach your partner by asking how you can support them and how the two of you can connect in the moment. 

In addition to self-reflection and nervous system regulation, individual therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, and mindfulness practices can help you manage your avoidant attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

How To Support Someone During a Panic Attack

 

In a previous post, we started a discussion about some ways that panic attacks and anxiety differ.  In this post, we’ll focus on how to support someone experiencing panic attacks (although some of these suggestions can be used when either condition is present).

Unless you and your loved one have discussed how you can support them, prior to the onset of a panic attack, you can feel helpless and uncertain about what to do.  Panic attacks can be overwhelming and frightening for the person experiencing the attack, and you have the opportunity to provide a safe and supportive environment for them at that moment.

Here are some suggestions for how to care for someone who is having a panic attack:

  • You may feel worried or concerned when someone you care about is in distress, but it's important to remain as calm as possible.  Panic attacks can also stir up strong emotions for you in the moment, so try to maintain a sense of calm within yourself, as you help the person experiencing the attack.

  • Panic attacks can feel like a medical emergency, so it's important to reassure the person that they are safe and that the attack will pass.  Let them know that they are not alone and remind them that you are there to support them.

  • Certain stimuli or situations can trigger panic attacks, so it's important to create a safe and comfortable environment for the person experiencing the attack.  This may involve removing any triggers you are aware of and finding a quiet, private space for them to recover.

  • Panic attacks can include rapid breathing, which can make the attack feel worse. Provide encouragement to take slow, deep breaths to help slow their heart rate and calm their body.  You can demonstrate how to take deep breaths, if you observe that they are feeling short of breath.

  • Urge the person to use any coping strategies that they have learned, such as deep breathing or focusing on the details of the environment around them.  If they don't have any coping strategies, you can offer any calming actions you have personally found helpful.

  • If the person is experiencing panic attacks frequently or if the panic attacks are causing significant distress in their life, recommend that they seek help from a mental health professional.  A therapist or other mental health provider can help them understand the root cause of the attacks and develop strategies for managing them.

Everyone experiences panic attacks differently – what works for one person may not work for another person.  Providing support and understanding for your partner, friend, or family who deals with this condition can be incredibly helpful for them, both during the episode and after they have recovered.

 

Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships

 

Your partner doesn’t call you back when you call them — what do you do and think? Do you automatically assume they are mad at you? Do you text them and demand that they call you back? Where is your head at — totally spinning?

You go out on a date with someone new — after the first date, do you immediately start wondering when the next date will be? Does it feel like you absolutely need to know?

These thoughts and reactions may be some indicators of an anxious attachment style.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory was first founded by John Bowlby in his research on how babies attach to their primary caregiver. For example, in this research, they looked at things like — when the baby cried for a changed diaper, did the caregiver come in and change the diaper? What they found was that the level of responsiveness of a caregiver to a baby’s needs impacted how the baby experienced safety, trust, and connection and influenced how this child would interact in the world with others throughout life.

Sue Johnson furthered the study of this theory with a focus on how these attachment styles show up in our intimate partnerships as adults. Johnson applied the four attachment styles first identified by Bowlby — secure attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, and anxious attachment — to adult partnerships.

Anxious Attachment Style

As a child, those with an anxious attachment style may have had an inconsistent or confusing dynamic with their primary caregiver due to inconsistent or misattuned parenting. Perhaps they often had temper tantrums and felt a strong need to be close to their primary caregiver, but the caregiver did not respond with closeness or comfort most of the time. These children may have been easy to get worked up and upset and unable to self-regulate.

In adult partnerships, those with anxious attachment style tend to be “needy” and dependent on their partner. Some signals of anxious attachment include: low self-esteem, fear of rejection and abandonment, jealousy, worry, approval seeking, lack of boundaries, and clinginess.

Anxious Attachment Style Triggers

Triggers for an anxiously attached individual may include: inconsistency in communication from a partner when the partner is running late, when a partner seems distant or disconnected, a partner forgetting an important event, or a partner not noticing a new haircut or outfit.

Those with anxious attachment styles in a relationship can react to their triggers in the following ways: constantly thinking about the relationship, worrying about threats to the relationship, desiring constant connection to their partner, and often being quick to anger, blame, and explain to their partner.

Ways to Manage an Anxious Attachment Style 

If you’re identifying with some of these signals, triggers, or reactions, you may have an anxious attachment style. One of the best ways to work with an anxious attachment style when you’re triggered is to focus on self-regulating your emotions in the following ways:

  • Recognize you’re overstimulated

  • Breathe and think through, holding off on a big emotional reaction

  • Work to calm yourself down and get grounded

  • Manage the expectations of your partner

  • Communicate your anger or hurt in a non-reactive way

In addition to self-regulation, talk therapy, marriage counseling, couples therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) strategies, and mindfulness also help with managing your anxious attachment style.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy

 

Panic Attacks vs. Anxiety | How to Know the Difference

 

If you or a loved one has experienced a panic attack or anxiety, you understand how intense these conditions can feel, both emotionally and physically. Depending on how distressing the symptoms are, a person’s close relationships can be strained or negatively affected due to confusion about the condition or lack of support. 

In this three-part blog series, we’ll first outline some of the differences between the conditions, and in the following two posts, we’ll offer some ways to support others trying to manage these conditions.

How do panic attacks and anxiety differ?

Panic attacks and anxiety are two terms that are often used interchangeably, but they actually refer to two different experiences. 

A panic attack is a sudden and intense feeling of fear or anxiety that is often accompanied by a variety of physical symptoms, such as increased heart rate, shortness of breath, dizziness, and/or chest pain. These attacks can be triggered by various situations or environments. Panic attacks can feel so severe that they may feel like a heart attack or other medical emergency.

In comparison, anxiety is a more persistent and ongoing feeling of worry, stress, or fear that can interfere with daily activities. Anxiety can be a normal response to stress, but it can also be a symptom of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are more severe and enduring forms of anxiety and include generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or phobias.

One key difference between panic attacks and anxiety is the intensity and duration of the symptoms. Panic attacks are typically more intense and shorter in duration compared to anxiety, which tends to be a more chronic condition. Another difference is that panic attacks are often triggered by specific stimuli or situations, while anxiety can be more persistent and may not have a specific trigger.

What can be done to manage either of these conditions? 

Treatment for panic attacks and anxiety may involve similar approaches, such as therapy, medication, and relaxation techniques. However, the specific treatment plan will depend on the severity and cause of the symptoms. Both panic attacks and anxiety can be treated effectively with the right approach. If you or a loved one are experiencing symptoms of either condition, help from a mental health counselor or medical professional can be an important step in managing these conditions and improving overall well-being.

Check back in the next couple of months for additional blog posts that outline specific ways you can support someone experiencing a panic attack or anxiety.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, & Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

Self-care for Adult Children of Aging Parents

 

You blink, time flies, and coping with the aging process begins.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that my mother was picking me up from school? Now I’m wondering when she won’t be able to drive anymore. Does this mean I have to drive her?

I remember when my dad and I would bond over hikes. Now he has to take Advil and use ice packs. When will our last hike be? Am I really an adult now?

These are just some of the thoughts that might run through your mind as you watch your parents age.

Watching people you love go through something challenging can be a difficult process. It also influences our own meaning-making of who we once were and who we are now, especially as it pertains to inevitable change, mortality, and the meaning of life and legacy.

In this blog post, we will explore aspects of coping with aging parents.

Experiencing Change and Grief When Dealing with Aging Parents: Check in with Yourself

Ask yourself the following questions: 

  • How does this process impact you?

  • Does it bring up anxiety or depression?

  • Do you have a sibling to talk to or a friend that can validate your experience?

  • Would it be helpful to organize the logistics of care management?

  • Are there things you want to say to your parents?

Therapy is a great space to process the experience of coping with aging parents. Self-care and support groups are also useful resources. Try to notice the feelings, thoughts, and sensations of change and grief.

Mortality: Accepting Life and Death

Thinking about death can stir up many emotions. It is scary, sad, and yet, part of life.

What does mortality mean to you and do for you? Some might pre-mourn the inevitable. Some may not feel ready yet. Understanding and embracing the circle of life is an important step.

BJ Miller, a palliative care doctor, talks about end-of-life planning and has a great Ted Talk on thinking about death and honoring life.

Legacy and Meaning of Life: Being the Caregiver

What does caregiving to a parent look like to you?

Take the time to reflect on how you want to step into the role of caregiver. It is important to honor yourself and to acknowledge that the roles have changed and that it’s okay if it feels strange. Talking to others about their experiences and sharing stories may validate your experience and provide you with ideas. Remember, it is a transition that is new and unfamiliar, which can drum up mixed emotions. You can honor the emotions and experience by talking about it.

What is it you love about your parent(s)? What are you grateful for? What stories do you want to know about their life? It’s important to celebrate your parent while they are alive.

Write them a letter. Ask them questions. When you look back, what would you regret not saying or doing? Do it now. 

Examining our own relationship to aging and death is a bizarre part of life. Be gentle with yourself and open to how you need support during this time. 

If you’re struggling with processing and accepting living with an aging parent, especially if you’re experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, therapy is a resource that can help.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Austin Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

The Impact of Life Transitions

 

If you compare your life today to your life 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago, or even 1 month ago, what has remained the same, and what has changed? 

Of the aspects of your life that have changed, were the changes immediate or did they transition from one state to another over a longer period of time? 

When you consider each change that you have noted in response to the prompts above, you probably remember how easy or difficult those experiences were for you. Change can feel empowering, awkward, joyful, painful, exhilarating, sad, exciting, frustrating – all types of feelings, sometimes all at once. Big changes can take many forms, they can unfold in different timeframes, they can move you into new phases in life, and they can also leave you feeling disoriented as you adjust and settle into your new norm.

Common types of life transitions are:

  • those you have planned and are currently taking action on - examples of these may include moving houses, changing jobs, or getting married.

  • those you anticipate but have not yet taken action on – examples of these can be similar to those previously discussed – moves, job changes, relationship status changes – and they can also include events on your long-term horizon like building your dream home, retiring, or becoming a grandparent.

  • those that you do not expect – examples of these may include losing your job, getting a divorce, or a loved one passing away.

Regardless of the type of change you are experiencing, moving from one way of being to another can stir up a complex set of emotions. Different types of transitions can impact different people in different ways, and this can then cause a set of seemingly contradictory feelings. For example, consider your child growing up and moving to college. This change can incite a sense of hope for what is yet to come for your child’s future, but this event can also carry distressing emotions such as sadness and grief. These emotions can arise either during their moving out or after they leave home – you realize that aspects of the old life you knew are no longer part of the life you are now living. By acknowledging that all types of change can be challenging, you make room for your entire emotional experience.

Whether you are male, female, or non-binary, old, young, or somewhere in between, married, single, divorced, or if it’s complicated, change in life is inevitable and can sometimes feel hard to manage on your own. Engaging with a therapist and initiating therapy, either with your partner in couples therapy or on your own in individual therapy, can help you manage and process the entire range of emotions you experience during transitions.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Individual Therapy for Women in Life Transitions, Individual Therapy for Men, & Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

A New Way to Approach the New Year, Sans the Resolution

 

Another year, another resolution. Do you sometimes feel like you are going through the motions, and then it hits you… it’s Christmas again… suddenly it’s another New Year's Eve. Then you start thinking about what your resolution was last year…

“Was I supposed to go on a diet or get a gym membership?

Run a marathon?

Book a dream trip?”

Did it happen? What if, instead of creating a bucket list or a goal, you approached the new year with a sense of self and focused on inner growth, mindfulness, and meaning?

Growth

Instead of looking at the year and what you "should" or "shouldn't" do, explore where you have grown and where you want to grow. On a piece of paper, write down the things you wish to leave behind — perhaps it is shame or a toxic friendship. You might even wish to ceremonially burn this list in the act of letting go. Then, on another piece of paper, write down what you want to take with you — perhaps it is spending more time with family or saving money. Next, make a list of what you love about yourself and what you are proud of accomplishing in the last year.

Mindfulness

Research shows that being present is key to having a better quality of life. About 95% of the time, we are on autopilot, so why not slow down and become more aware of our thoughts, behaviors, and actions? One way to be present is through being mindful. Mindfulness is defined as finding purposeful ways to live in the present moment. There are many mindful practices, including yoga, journaling, and breathing. 

Here are a couple of other mindfulness practices you can try implementing into your daily routine:

Wake up with gratitude and purpose: When you wake up, don't immediately go for your phone. Instead, put your hand over your heart and name three things you are grateful for. Then ask yourself what your purpose is today.

Intentional Eating: When you eat, chew slower. Try to notice the flavors, and be grateful for your meal.

Meaning

When we are mindful, we can access our consciousness more. Greater Good Magazine authors and researchers write a lot about happiness and meaning. One recent study found that people were happier when they lived more meaningful lives. As psychiatrist and psychotherapist Viktor Frankl theorized, research shows you can find meaning through experience, understanding, and purpose. 

Experience: This can be through a walk in nature or a concert with a loved one. How do you currently create significance in experiences? 

Understanding: Another way we make meaning in life is by making sense of it. A great way to explore this is through individual therapy. Some examples of questions that may be explored in individual therapy are: “Do I accept my family?” or “Are my basic needs being met?”

Purpose: The third way to find meaning is through purpose. What is your purpose, and why is it important to you? Is it helping to care for a loved one? Having children? Donating your time to charitable efforts? Are you doing something beyond yourself?

This year, consider forgoing the typical resolution and cultivating a growth mindset, mindfulness, and meaning. Focusing on these areas will surely build a lifetime of legacy more meaningful than unrealized resolutions.

If you could use a guide to help you explore, I’m currently accepting new clients for individual therapy.

Article by Sarah Imparato, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy & Individual Therapy in Austin, Texas

 

How Date Night Can Help | Moving on From the Crisis That Brought You to Couples Therapy

 

There are times when your relationship or marriage feels so-so – when you’re feeling like things are going okay – not bad but also not great. There may be a strong desire and longing for your relationship to be more enjoyable. This can be a common feeling for couples who have just been through a crisis.

If you’re a couple who has started going to couples therapy, these feelings can arise after you and your partner have weathered the crisis that brought you to couples therapy and after you’ve reached a sustained period of time with an even level of stability within your partnership. 

Our relationship isn’t on fire or burning down anymore, but are we really enjoying ourselves?

After you’ve been through any stressful relational situation, there’s a good chance those events have changed some aspects of you as a person, how you view life, or how you view your relationship. The events have also probably changed your partner and your interactions in your relationship. 

How can we start to enjoy each other’s company again?

When you think about times you felt good with your partner, you may think about the experiences you’ve had together or the memories you have made during your relationship, prior to your crisis. One strategy to start to feel more positively toward your partner is to take or make opportunities to create more positive experiences to add to your memory bank. 

Would a date night help?

Date nights can help, and there are strategies that can increase the chance your date night will be a positive experience. The success of a date night doesn’t depend only on spending dedicated, quality time with your partner. Novel experiences – an encounter that both of you are trying for the first time – can take your date nights to a new level of enjoyment. When we try new things, our brain’s reward system is activated, and we produce some of the same chemicals that are also associated with romantic love. 

If you take the opportunity to try something new, you may learn something new about yourself, you may learn something about your partner, or you’ll try a new place. Ideas for introducing new experiences to date night can be as simple as changing your dinner venue to a restaurant neither of you has been to before. You can also get more creative and book a cooking class or try stand up paddle boarding. 

Approach experiences with your partner from a place of adventure, creativity, and curiosity, and you’ll have a better chance to create connections with your partner that take your relationship or marriage from feeling okay to feeling good again.

If you’re struggling to move forward from the relationship crisis that brought you into couples therapy in the first place, this is a great thing to bring up in your next couples therapy session.

Not yet in couples therapy or marriage counseling but having a difficult time navigating a crisis or getting back to a good place? Reaching out for couples therapy could be a step in the right direction.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate

Offering Couples Therapy in Austin, TX

 

Feeling Disconnected When You’re Apart? | How Couples Communicate to Get Connected

 

How do you keep from feeling disconnected from your partner when the two of you are physically apart?

Relationships and marriages have their ups and downs – times when you feel close to your partner and times when you feel more distant. These feelings can be enhanced when you and your partner are unable to achieve or maintain physical proximity – such as when one of you is traveling or when one of you has to put in longer hours at work.

Furthermore, if you’re in a challenging phase of your relationship due to unexpected stresses, you may need extra support from your partner. Here, we discuss a few ideas to help you proactively take action to stay and feel connected while you’re apart.

Be open and communicate about feeling disconnected

Sometimes, there is a misalignment between when we feel connected or disconnected from our partner and when our partner feels connected or disconnected from us. If you’re away from home to take care of your mother who just had surgery, you may be so busy that you don’t even notice a disconnection, but your partner could be feeling very distant from you. If you’re starting to feel some distance growing for yourself, share this feeling with your partner, and encourage them to do the same.

How do we prevent disconnection from happening when we are physically separated?

To become aware of your own sense of connection, one question you can ask yourself is:

“In previous times when we’ve been apart, when have I felt the most connected to my partner?”

Examples of these moments could be:

  • when they sent good morning or good night texts

  • when they called to check in on your day or you did the same for them

  • when you shared that you missed them and they said they missed you too

  • when they asked to make a video call to wish you good luck on your big presentation at work

The potential for small moments like these are endless, and these types of moments will be unique to both you and your partner.

Before you’re apart, you and your partner could make a list of these types of moments and share them with each other. Commit to each other that you’ll implement one item from the other’s list each day you’re physically apart.  If you have conversations before you’re in different physical locations and too far down the road of disconnection, you’ll have a better chance of staving off more significant feelings of separateness.

Review what worked and what didn’t

After a period of time apart, have a discussion about what moments cultivated a sense of connection for each of you and plan to implement those efforts during future times you’re apart.

If disconnection is something that affects your relationship or marriage and you feel you could use a little extra help navigating the shift toward greater connection, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help. Reach out to find out more about if couples counseling is right for you.

Article by Lindsay Poth, MA, LMFT Associate